David Shatraw credited as playing...
Tommy Shafter
- Christopher Titus: Listen, my niece has been living with us for 3 months, and she is my responsibility. If some bully is harassing her, I'm gonna do something about it! I hate bullies!
- Tommy Shafter: You're about to beat up a kid with a bat!
- Christopher Titus: Yeah, what's your point?
- Tommy Shafter: Do you remember me, Mrs. Titus?
- Grandma Titus: Of course, Tommy. Have you found a nice young man to settle down with?
- Tommy Shafter: I'm not gay.
- Grandma Titus: Oh. Then you're not the Tommy I knew.
- Christopher Titus: It should be a law. Everyone should have to own a gun. In fact, if you get caught outside your house without your gun, you get a ticket. And you get shot in the leg. Just to prove their point.
- Christopher Titus: Think about it. There'd be no more car jackings.
- Tommy Shafter: [Tommy's car is being robbed by a guy with crowbar, the carjacker shouts "Get out of the car!", Tommy shoots the carjacker] Get out of the street!
- Christopher Titus: Bag boys would be more courteous.
- Ken Titus: [Ken is at the supermarket, the bag boy puts bread in a bag, then drops a six-pack on the bread. Ken shoots the bag boy] It's canned goods first, then bread!
- Christopher Titus: And people in general would just be a lot friendlier.
- Erin Fitzpatrick: [after a guy cuts to the front of the line, Erin shoots him] No cuts!
- Christopher Titus: I want everybody to get behind this law. Because the first couple of years, a lot of us are gonna die!
- [inside a police station]
- Tommy Shafter: Dave's been arrested? Oh great, did they find his marijuana plants?
- Ken Titus: Shut up, fruit!
- Tommy Shafter: Well, you say that, but what you really mean is...
- Ken Titus: [interrupting] Shut up, fruit!
- [after Perry bursts into the house]
- Fay Shafter: Perry!
- Erin Fitzpatrick: Mr. Shafter!
- Tommy Shafter: Dad!
- Ken Titus: Homo!
- Tommy Shafter: [while they are being shot at] I never got to sleep with Erin.
- [pause, awkward stares]
- Tommy Shafter: I have thoughts!
- Christopher Titus: Shoulda taken that one to the grave!
- Tommy Shafter: [dressed as a clown on Amy's birthday] Hallo, Amy, it's your day-my!
- Amy Fitzpatrick: Couldn't you just have sent me a fruit basket?
- Tommy Shafter: I *nailed* your sister!
- Christopher Titus: [smugly] That's great, but there's something you should remember: you also nailed *his* daughter.
- [points to Ken behind Tommy]
- Tommy Shafter: Oh, good, your mom checks her answering machine.
- Christopher Titus: Yes, and she also checks under her bed for dust bunnies because they talk to her!
- Christopher Titus: What does it say on the back of that jacket?
- Tommy Shafter: It says "Titus High Performance."
- Christopher Titus: Are you Titus? Are you Performance? Are you *high*?
- Ken Titus: What'd you bring me, fruit?
- Tommy Shafter: No, too much sugar in fruit.
- Ken Titus: No, I'm calling *you* a fruit!