Rollergator

How did anyone, anywhere on this entire planet find this piece of unfunny, badly directed, terribly acted - and I won't even mention the Gator Unspecial Effect, think this needed to be made? Just terrible from beginning to end! And when I read the "Directors" credits, he also did The Rollerblade Seven (which I ridiculously rented from a Mom and Pop years ago, and have regretted it ever since!). From the 'talking' Gators horribly annoying voice, to the non-emoting of PJ (who has only two credits on IMDb) to the rest of the non-able to act cast, this is just one horrible film. The absolute ONLY way to watch this: Rifftrax, which at least makes it funny.

Dire Ineptitude!!!!!!! For fans of bad movies only. The Rifftrax version is the recommended way to see this wretched movie.

As stated above, this movie is the worst I've ever seen (dethroning the previous worst: 1964's "The Creeping Terror") being an avid fan of MST3K and Rifftrax for the past 15 years, I like to think I know something about bad movies. And let me say when the question of "what's the worst movie ever" arises, generic, ubiquitous choices like "Plan 9 from Outer Space" DO NOT hold a candle to ROLLERGATOR. When you dissect these movies element by element, those being casting, script, acting, dialogue, sound recording, editing, music, pacing, special effects, costumes, etc. ROLLERGATOR is thee absolute ultimate in terms of overall badness. Easily.

Starring Charlie Sheen's uncle, also known as Joe Estevez, he's the star-power of the movie, the other "actors" are total no-names, that the casting agent probably found at a local community theater (or a laundro-mat). As you can glean from the cover, along with Charlie Sheen's uncle, there's a small purple alligator (that talks!) featured in the movie; it's limply brought to life by a very lame and simplistic hand-puppet, whose tiny hands appear to be permanently fused to it's chest, as there is no arm movement what-so-ever.

The basic characters are a young blonde chick on rollerblades who befriends the alligator and its with the help of her skates that it becomes the: ROLLERGATOR! Estevez plays a carnival owner, along with him comes a henchman to do his dirty work, a karate instructor, a "dark ninja" and yet another even younger blonde girl on rollerblades named "Slingshot", plus near the end there's some portly, bumbling, old biologist whose been attempting to find the alligator.

Throughout the movie, almost non-stop, there is aimless "playing" of an acoustic guitar, which will have to do as far as the soundtrack goes; occasional organ tracks appear and briefly add variety, but then back come the pointless guitar wanking.

As far as the dialogue goes, it often sounds improvised and shows little flow or logic and is often unintelligible.

Blah, blah, blah, the portly old biologist who's looking for the alligator eventually finds the alligator, who by then of course, is a Rollergator. End of movie. The worst movie ever.

(Hey all, any word on whether there's to be a 20th anniversary Blu-ray edition issued in 2016???)

I can't, nay, I won't write anything more. The title of my review says all I want to say.

It infuriates me that whoever gave the director of this movie funding to make this film got so taken in. I can only hope that "legendary" film director Donald G. Jackson (of Hell Comes to Frogtown "fame") embezzled the majority of the production costs for a used Ford Fiesta or something.

Make no mistake, this is not an example of "so bad it's good," this movie is "so bad it's melting my eyes and ears." Speaking of melting ears, the soundtrack is hands down the worst ever. It entails someone playing acoustic guitar (amplified) throughout the duration of the entire film (except for occasional pee and water breaks). The music has zero to do with what's going on-screen, and about 10 minutes in I was suspicious that might even be a sound loop.

But worst of all is that you can't hear about 40% of the dialogue because there is music drowning it out.

Not that you *would* want to hear the music. From what I can tell, the story consists of a baby, "rapping(and we use that term lightly here)", purple alligator has gotten lost. I couldn't get far enough into the movie to actually see it roller skate(I had an immense headache after an hour and ten minutes of watching the film), but apparently it does... eventually.

The film *seems* to be designed for kids. What with all the skateboarding Ninjas & slingshotting little girls. But the main character in the movie is dressed in a sports bra and extremely skimpy biker trunks. Meanwhile most of the film's cinematography seems to entail zooming in on the girl's belly button while she skates around.

I really don't want to spend anymore time talking about this film. Its offensive it was ever made, and I really wish I had never seen it.

Jeesh. Where to begin with this disaster.

Well, me and my friends love watching bad movies. We do it all the time. I think for the same reason many other people do it to; To find something of comedic value and perhaps try and get an understanding as to why the filmmakers made these movies. Sometimes this can simply be attributed to incompetence, trying to make something beyond their scope and budget and competency, or just because the filmmakers wanted to make a movie they wanted to make as a passion project. Some of these movies can be endearing for those reasons alone. But we've sat through enough terrible movies to know that Rollergator isnt one of them.

To sum up quickly for whoever is reading this; a tiny purple alligator and a woman on rollerskates perpetually run away from a skateboarding ninja hired by a carnival owner to retrieve him for their personal profits.

Thats all you really need to know, because those are the only things you can sort of puzzle together. Because for some reason i believe the movie is edited out of order. From the moment the movie starts until it ends nothing makes a lick of sense in the way its story progresses. Scenes cut and jump awkwardly, the camera work resembles that of a 13 year old making short films for youtube and the acting is nothing short from sublime (terrible). There is nothing funny about it. The only reason we got a chuckle out of it was of how distressed me and my friends were and how much we hated it. We got more enjoyment out of eachothers misery watching this than actually watching it.

Another gripe i have is that the movie is a flatout lie. I thought at least i would see a small purple alligator on rollerblades but that didnt happen. Also, the alligator claims that it can sing and rap. But only spits like 2 of the most lamest bars ive heard since "TOP 10 LAMEST FREESTYLE BARS" on youtube (which by the way is funny as hell, funnier than this movie at least). for the rest he doesnt really do much. He spends about 90 percent of the movie huddled away in a backpack.

Now, the audio is... Ooof... No Disrespect Preston Reed but the neverending droning loop of twangy guitars(Me and my friends can pretty much confirm it, maybe, honestly this movie actually made me lose memories) is the worst stuff ever. and it plays from the start till the finish. No tonal shifts, no pauses just the same guitar playing over and over and over. The audio mixing for dialogue in this movie is bad, and sometimes gets drowned out by the guitar that just keeps going and going and going... i legitimately felt dizzy because of how repetitive the audio was.

Overall. Even if you like terribad movies, this isnt worth your time. There is no comedic value in any aspect whatsoever. not in the acting or the camera work or the audio. Its all bad. Steer clear from this one for sure. It aint worth the attention.