The Last Patrol

Question. How do you tell when a movie is really bad?

1: The hero is an ex-Green Beret rebelling against the system.

2: It has the hackneyed plotline that the world has ended and only a few exceptional people can save the day. This genre was old when 'Mad Max' rumbled on to the screens, but its still being churned out with ever-decreasing budgets. After all, any wannabe director just needs a camera; a few friends decked out in army surplus, some beat up vehicles and a free weekend in the desert. Add suitably ruined industrial plants and bad acting to taste and you are on the way to video immortality.

The big budget productions feature kickboxing cyborgs.

The Last Patrol has no kickboxing cyborgs.

3: Voiceovers to explain the plot. Studios tack these on after the movie is edited when they realise what a complete hash they have on their hands.. A good movie doesn't need someone bored out of their mind reading lines into a microphone.

Unless they're Humphry Bogart - and he's dead.

4: It has a urine-drinking scene. There is an episode of BlackAdder where they attempt to sail round the world. Things become so desperate they have to drink their own urine. The same thing happens about halfway through The Last Patrol - I was tempted to join in the onscreen misery.

5: When the 'making of' feature and publicity materials don't feature the lead actor. Something happened during the production and they no longer want to be associated with it as it may hurt future work. In retrospect that was a very wise move Mr. Lundgren, possibly a little late, but a good idea none the less.

At this point I should make it clear I like bad movies. there is nothing like a good cheap movie to round off a Friday night. The Last Patrol even starts of promisingly. A massive earthquake (illustrated by spectacular special effects lifted straight out of 'Dante's Peak' hits California. An isolated military base in the high desert is cut off from civilisation. Somehow Dolph Lundgren (playing the part of an ex Green Beret who rebelled against the yadda. yadda.) must keep things together and rebuild civilisation.

At this point the movie takes its inspiration from the plot and everything falls apart.

The scriptwriter had a bad attack of writers' block, reached into the cliché cupboard and grabbed *everything*.

So, the commander is suitably heroic and square jawed. He's suitably macho to handle the action, but in touch with his feminine side when he needs to talk to children. The troops are rebellious, (but never mutinous); there is a bubble-headed useless blonde stripper to get in the way and a power-mad maniac out to take over the world. Would you even believe that there is a gratuitous excuse for a shower scene? Oh you would. you are way ahead of me.

All these characters (and I use the term loosely) are thrown into what passes for a plot featuring shifts in the Earth's axis, genetic mutations, plagues, private prisons and someone in communion with God. (No really!)

If it was a couple of minutes long, The Last Patrol might make an interesting trailer - after all they aren't meant to explain anything. A good trailer makes lots of noise, raises questions about the plot and draws in the audience. At 100 minutes, The Last Patrol is one hell of a long trailer - unless (and this is a scary thought) this is the teaser for an entire series of post apocalyptic fun.

Usually reviews are meant to concentrate on scripting and acting - I can't be that cruel to the cast. They had bad lines and they did a lousy job.

Special effects? Well if you've seen Dante's Peak you've already seen the best of them. The rest is the usual cheap prosthetics left over from the Halloween clearance sale and things exploding for no very good reason.

The producers didn't even choose a very nice piece of desert. In most of these movies you can amuse yourself by looking out for that strange rock where Captain Kirk once fought the lizard man. Not here.

Somehow this mess cost $8.2 million. I'm not sure where the money could have gone. Perhaps they each had a couple of drinks from the hotel minibar?

So is there anything positive to say about The Last Patrol? Ummm. there is a very sweet child who actually doesn't get on your nerves and a golden retriever with a natural talent that shines through and puts everyone else to shame.

Anything else? No not really, I just hope everyone got a good tan in the desert.

Any recommendations? To Mr Lundgren; get a new agent. To the kid; it's not too late to change your name, your secret is safe with me - no one else will ever know that you were in this film. To the rest of the cast; overacting is not the same as acting really hard. To the dog; pick your roles more carefully in future, no one likes failure in Hollywood and you do want to work again.

Final thoughts?

Needs kickboxing cyborgs.

(2000) The Last Warrior/ The Last Patrol SCIENCE-FICTION ACTION

Dystopian movie which it is not gasoline that brings the world upside down like it does on "Mad Max 2" or diseases that can turn people into ghouls or zombies like "I Am Legend" or "24 Days Later", to "Zombieland" but in this movie, it is earthquakes leading to people living in hot deserts.

As it centers on two different compounds, one managed by.captain sergeant, Nick Preston (Dolph Lundgren) along with his two trusted keepers of captain Sarah McBride (Sherri Alexander) and Lucky Simcoe (Joe Michael Burke) who has a young wife, Candy (Rebecca Cross) who loves to perform. Other eccentric characters also include Pope, Cooky, Will and Miriam. The other compound is like a prison-like fortress with a gate, led by a fascist wannabe, Jesus/ Jehovah Carrera (Juliano Mer) and his sidekick, Simon Peace. On his compound are men wearing orange prison-like jumpsuits, as they continue to stare at a TV screen or listening to a monitor of or from Jehovah speaking on a microphone stuck behind a production control room facility.

On the first hour is a whole lot of nothing, other than character development, some narrated by the Dolph Lundgren character as he and his two trusted friends go on about searching for things s/he could use, whatever it might be. Sarah McBride tries to contain a horse and it appears has an agenda where she is looking for her co-pilot who she eventually found at the enemy compound. And it is not until the final 25 minutes or so , they realize that some children have been held hostage there along with a lady, with Nick Preston being the first to go there. Very uneven throughout with a few amusing moments that is not enough to hold the movie together.

The idea for this movie is quite interesting. It could be an interesting science fiction movie set in post apocalyptic world . Unfortunately it's not. From what I've heard the movie makers had very small budget . So small that they struggled to finish this movie . A movie with low budget doesn't necessary has to suck . This one is bad. REALLY BAD.

When you don't have money you can always impress the audience with other things : acting , dialogue , plot … "The Last patrol" is poor not only with production values. It's an action movie with no action ! The first fight happens here after 1 hour and 10 minutes ! That's right . Before Lundgren will hit and kick someone you will have to wait 1 hour and 10 minutes . The last 20 minutes of movie are "intense" – we have one shootout , 5 kicks , 7 punches and 1 explosion (not too impressive) . That's all you get after suffering 1 hour and 10 minutes of boredom. And some pseudo-intellectual dialogue about faith. Admit it – that's not the reason you watch action movie , especially with Dolph Lundgren.

So what's happening before the " big climax" ? Nothing . We are introduced to characters we couldn't care less about . To be honest if it wasn't for Lundgren I would swear I was watching some idiotic comedy . I guess they wanted to make a drama about people trying to survive in a destroyed world . I don't understand why they filled the movie with characters that could easily appear in "Police academy" – the milkman , the dragged couple , the pseudo-Indian , the dumb blonde girl , the macho soldier . There is a big twist involving Lundgren's past – I don't understand what was so traumatic in it . Seriously . I laughed so hard when the movie revealed his big secret . I expected something dark and heartbreaking , while it was all about a … simple talk. One meeting with black woman and children changed his life so much he had nightmares . It feels odd at best.

I have to point three dues ex machine plot solutions – one with the earthquake , second with the explosion and third with the rain. And the magical "saved from the death".

I also have to point that the movie drags all the time . It's boring like HELL . There is no interesting dialogue or good acting. "The Last Patrol" is the definition of words : dull and lifeless. And stupid.

I give it 1/10.

The Last Patrol was one of those movies I forced myself to sit through. On pretty much every level I was left disappointed. The plot, the characters, continuity and the ending.

For some reason I had respect for Dolph but after a flick through his filmography I could only obviously recommend Universal Soldier. He was the only element of this production that offered any attraction but, while he went through the motions pretty well, he was surrounded on all sides by the mediocre and the ridiculous.

I'm sure that some of the scenes could maybe have been reworked and the overall plot could maybe have been dragged into more respectable territory but the characters were, overall, poor. Those who were meant to be funny were just annoying and with the possible exception of McBride, there was a general lack of depth.

I just don't understand how these movies make it to DVD - we're obviously not talking big budget here but where's the quality control guys?

'The Last Patrol' feels eerily like a prequel to Van Damme's 'Cyborg', which began as a sequel to Dolph Lundgren's live-action 'Masters of the Universe'. In fact, replace the German pirates of 'Cyborg' with the Mexican geologists of 'The Last Patrol', and they could very well be the same movie. Not really, but you get my point hopefully.

Welcome to the island of California, in the early 21st century. An earthquake measuring 9.5 on the Richter scale has separated California from the rest of America. Naturally, this is an alternate universe in which Arnie never became Governator, and thus was not around to use his awesomeness to stop this devastating earthquake. Camping out at a military junkyard, Nick Preston (Dolph Lundgren) is an Army Captain who leads a group of survivors including Air Force Captain Sarah McBride, an Army sergeant 'Lucky' Simcoe and some civilians. Meanwhile, a bad-guy named Jesus and his evil-geologist partner have taken over a prison and are intent on taking out the remnants of the military. Unfortunately for the bad guys, the 'remnants of the military' include Dolph Lundgren...

So the story is something we've been told before, many many times, except this time it has Dolph Lundgren, who brings in a great sense of awesomeness. I was entertained, even if the movie was a bit slow at points. As to be expected from a Dolph Lundgren movie, there were some plot points brought up early on in the movie and then were hastily resolved, or remained unresolved entirely. The police officer promised dangerous killer mutants. Dagnabbit, what happened to the killer monster-mutants?

Despite the movie being a little slow at times, there were some nice action sequence, and the battle at the end was exciting. Dolph even throws a brick at a bad-dude's head. I can honestly say I haven't seen that outside of 'Home Alone 2', and I found it incredibly funny in both films. Other than that, I don't think Dolph's character ever fired a gun at any point in the movie, leaving a lot of Dolph fighting hand-to-hand, and a lot of Dolph acting.

'The Last Patrol' is an entertaining action B-movie. Avoid it if you don't like Dolph Lundgren, otherwise, enjoy - 6/10