Ben Miles credited as playing...
Patrick Maitland
- [Susan is about to show the others one of her breasts]
- Susan: Well? Which one do you want? The left one or the right one?
- Patrick: The right one.
- [to others]
- Patrick: Trust me.
- Susan: Why? What's wrong with the left one?
- Patrick: Now, don't be like that. There has to be a second place.
- Susan: Well, I wasn't aware you were judging them individually!
- Patrick: You were asleep! I was bored!
- Sally: [finds an engagement ring in a box labeled "Sally don't look in this box."] This is an engagement ring.
- Patrick: Yes it is.
- Sally: An engagement ring! Do you have a girlfriend?
- Patrick: Yes, Sally.
- [pause]
- Patrick: You.
- Sally: Me?
- Patrick: Yes, you.
- Sally: Who are you proposing to then?
- Patrick: Who do you think?
- Sally: I... I...
- Patrick: I was waiting - I was waiting, as it happens, for the right romantic moment.
- Sally: [Looks around at the mess she made] Fuck.
- Patrick: It was just so embarrassing. I didn't know what to do.
- Steve: Happens to us all mate.
- Jeff: All of us, in our time, are visited by the melty man.
- Patrick: The what?
- Jeff: Don't say his name, Patrick. Don't even think his name or he will rise from the shadow dimensions to do his evil work on your terrified pants.
- Patrick: [chuckle] Terrified pants?
- Steve: [gravely] There's nothing funny about the melty man, Patrick.
- Patrick: [face falls] You know about the melty man, too?
- Steve: [in a "duh!" voice] We all know the melty man.
- Patrick: Who is he?
- Steve: The archenemy of trouser confidence.
- Jeff: Professor Moriarty. In groin form.
- Steve: Darth Vader
- Jeff: Without the helmet.
- Patrick: [terrified and shocked] What does he do?
- Jeff: Patrick, you *know* what he does.
- Patrick: [looks down] Oh right.
- Jeff: You're in bed with a woman. Everything's going fine. That's when the melty man strikes.
- Steve: Suddenly you find yourself thinking, "Maybe she's really bored".
- Jeff: Maybe you're licking her neck too much. Are you over-wetting her neck?
- Steve: Are you spending an equal amount of time on each breast? I mean, what if one breast gets ahead?
- Jeff: Should you be switching between them really quickly or should you squish 'em both together and do them at once
- [demonstrates]
- Patrick: [frowns]
- Steve: Or should you skip one breast completely just to save time?
- Jeff: She's wriggling about. Is that a good sign or is she just trying to dry her neck?