Bill Fagerbakke credited as playing...
Patrick Star • Fish #2 • Chum Customer • Local Fish
- Patrick Star: SpongeBob, what happened?
- SpongeBob SquarePants: Plankton cheated.
- Sheldon J. Plankton: Cheated?
- [Now to Neptune]
- Sheldon J. Plankton: Hold on there, baldy.
- [Now to SpongeBob]
- Sheldon J. Plankton: Oh, grow up. What, you think this is a game of kickball on the playground? You never had a chance to defeat me, fool! And you know why?
- SpongeBob SquarePants: Because you cheated?
- Sheldon J. Plankton: No, not because I cheated! Because I'm an evil genius. And you're just a kid.
- [laughing]
- Sheldon J. Plankton: A stupid kid!
- SpongeBob SquarePants: I guess you're right, Plankton.
- [looks down]
- SpongeBob SquarePants: I am just a kid.
- Sheldon J. Plankton: Of course I'm right. Okay, Neptune, time to kill.
- SpongeBob SquarePants: And you know, I've been through a lot in the past six days, five minutes, twenty-seven-and-a-half seconds. And if I've learned anything during that time, it's that you are who you are.
- Sheldon J. Plankton: That's right. Okay, Neptune...
- SpongeBob SquarePants: And no amount of mermaid magic...
- [Turns to Mindy]
- SpongeBob SquarePants: ... or managerial promotion...
- [Turns to the frozen Mr. Krabs]
- SpongeBob SquarePants: ... or some other third thing... can make me anything more than what I really am inside: A kid.
- Sheldon J. Plankton: That's great. Now, get back against the wall.
- SpongeBob SquarePants: [over microphone] But that's okay!
- Sheldon J. Plankton: What? What's going on?
- SpongeBob SquarePants: Because I did what everyone said a kid COULDN'T do! I made it to Shell City, and I beat the Cyclops, and I rode the Hasselhoff, and I brought the crown BACK!
- Sheldon J. Plankton: All right, we get the point.
- SpongeBob SquarePants: So, yeah, I'm a kid!
- [the lights go down, dry ice smoke surrounds SpongeBob, and a spotlight falls on him]
- SpongeBob SquarePants: And I'm also a goofball! And a wing nut! And a Knucklehead McSpazatron!
- Sheldon J. Plankton: [coughs from the smoke] What's going on here?
- SpongeBob SquarePants: But most of all, I'm...
- Sheldon J. Plankton: Okay, settle down. Take it easy!
- SpongeBob SquarePants: I'm... I'M...
- Sheldon J. Plankton: WHAT THE SCALLOP?
- SpongeBob SquarePants: [bursts into song] I'M A GOOFY GOOBER! ROCK!
- King Neptune: [to Spongebob] And as for you, be back with my crown in exactly 10 days.
- Patrick Star: [Appears out of nowhere] He can do it in nine.
- King Neptune: Eight.
- Patrick Star: Seven.
- King Neptune: Six
- Mr. Eugene H. Krabs, SpongeBob SquarePants: Patrick!
- Mr. Eugene H. Krabs: [He and Spongebob attack Patrick]
- King Neptune: Six it is then.
- Patrick Star: [while being choked by Mr. Krabs] Five?
- SpongeBob SquarePants: Patrick, shush!
- Dennis: Finally.
- [cracks knuckles]
- Dennis: I got ya right where I want you.
- SpongeBob SquarePants: Uh, can I help you with something, sir?
- Dennis: Name's Dennis. I've been hired to exterminate you.
- SpongeBob SquarePants: You're gonna... exterminate us?
- [SpongeBob and Patrick look at each other, then burst out in laughter before wiping their tears]
- SpongeBob SquarePants: Listen, Junior. You caught me and my friend here in a good mood today, so I'm gonna let ya off with a warning. Step aside, and you won't have to feel the awesome wrath of our mustaches.
- Dennis: You mean *these*?
- [grabs the seaweed mustaches off SpongeBob and Patrick's faces]
- Dennis: I thought you still had a piece of salad stuck to your lip from lunchtime.
- [Throws mustaches as SpongeBob and Patrick's eyes bulge at the sight of them]
- SpongeBob SquarePants: They were fake?
- Dennis: Of COURSE they were fake! This is what a *real* mustache looks like.
- [Pulls face mask off, grunts to sprout mustach from his upper lip]
- Patrick Star: Is he a mermaid?
- Dennis: All right. Enough gab.
- [approaches SpongeBob and Patrick, who are trembling in fear]
- SpongeBob SquarePants: Wh-Wh-What are you gonna do to us?
- Dennis: Plankton was *very* specific.
- SpongeBob SquarePants: Plankton?
- Dennis: For some reason, he wanted me to step on ya.
- Patrick Star: Step on us?
- Dennis: Yeah! That way, you'll never find out that HE stole the crown!
- [SpongeBob and Patrick look at each other]
- Dennis: Uhh, perhaps I've said too much.
- [extends spikes from the soles of his boots. SpongeBob and Patrick tremble in fear as Dennis positions his boot above them]
- Patrick Star: That's a big boot.
- Dennis: Don't worry. This'll only hurt a LOT!
- [laughs]
- Dennis: I love this job!
- [Continues to laugh, only to be crushed by a bigger boot]
- Patrick Star: Bigger boot!
- [tries to run away]
- SpongeBob SquarePants: Wait, Pat! This bigger boot saved our lives.
- Patrick Star: Yay!
- SpongeBob SquarePants, Patrick Star: Thank you, stranger!
- Patrick Star: SpongeBob?
- [sees him walking away from the trench, defeated]
- Patrick Star: Hey, where are you going?
- SpongeBob SquarePants: I'm going home, Patrick.
- Patrick Star: But what about Mr Krabs?
- SpongeBob SquarePants: What about us? WE'LL never survive in that trench! You said it yourself, this is man's country. And let's face it, Pat. We're just... kids.
- Patrick Star: We're NOT kids!
- SpongeBob SquarePants: OPEN YOUR EYES, PATRICK! We blow bubbles, we eat ice cream - we worship a dancing peanut, for corn's sake! WE DON'T BELONG OUT HERE.
- Patrick Star: [defensively] We do NOT worship him!
- SpongeBob SquarePants: [pulls Patrick's pants down] Patrick, you've been wearing the same Goofy Goober Peanut Party underpants for three years straight! What do you call that?
- Patrick Star: [starts to cry] Worship...? Oh, you're right, SpongeBob! We ARE kids!
- [runs away crying, then trips over pulled-down pants]
- SpongeBob SquarePants: Pull your pants up, Patrick. We're going home.
- Patrick Star: Well, saying you're a kid, it's like saying I'M a kid!
- Waiter: Here's your Goober Meal, sir.
- Patrick Star: Uh, I'm supposed to get a toy with this?
- [toy smacks Patrick in the face]
- Patrick Star: Thanks.
- Patrick Star: It's some kind of wall of psychic energy.
- SpongeBob SquarePants: No, Pat, it's a giant glass bowl.
- SpongeBob SquarePants: Pull your pants up, Patrick. We're going home.
- Mindy: [just arrived in carriage] But you can't go home!
- SpongeBob SquarePants: Mindy!
- Patrick Star: Mindy?
- [frantically pulls up pants before falling over again]
- Patrick Star: Huh?
- SpongeBob SquarePants: How much did you hear?
- Mindy: I heard enough.
- Patrick Star: Did you see my underwear?
- Mindy: No, Patrick.
- Patrick Star: [grabs pants] Did you want to?
- Attendant #1: You two dipsticks wouldn't last ten seconds over the county line!
- SpongeBob SquarePants: Oh, yeah? We'll just see about that.
- [they drive over the line; a thief stops them]
- Thief: Out of the car, fellas.
- [thief drives off with Patty Wagon]
- SpongeBob SquarePants: How many seconds was that?
- Attendant #2: Twelve.
- SpongeBob SquarePants, Patrick Star: ...IN YOUR FACE!
- [start laughing hysterically at attendants before walking away over county line]
- Dennis: [about to step on Spongebob and Patrick] That's IT! I'm through with messing around! See ya later fools!
- Patrick Star: [Dennis suddenly collides with a floating sailboat and falls into the ocean] See ya.
- Mindy: [after getting SpongeBob's and Patrick's moustaches] So, now that you're men, can you make it to Shell City?
- SpongeBob SquarePants, Patrick Star: [are intrigued by moustaches and weren't listening to Mindy]
- Mindy: Guys!
- SpongeBob SquarePants, Patrick Star: Yeah?
- Mindy: I said, "Now that you're men, can you make it to Shell City?
- SpongeBob SquarePants, Patrick Star: Heck, yeah!
- Mindy: Are men afraid of anything?
- SpongeBob SquarePants, Patrick Star: Heck, no!
- Mindy: And why?
- SpongeBob SquarePants, Patrick Star: Because we're invincible!
- [both jump off cliff]
- Mindy: [calling after them] I never said that!
- SpongeBob SquarePants: [crying in bar, then sits up] Alright, get it together, old boy. I know, I'll just stop thinking about it.
- [pause]
- SpongeBob SquarePants: Hey, you know, I actually feel a little better. I don't even remember why I was sad!
- Patrick Star: Hey, it's the new Krusty Krab 2 manager!
- [SpongeBob starts crying again]
- Patrick Star: Wow, the pressure's already setting in.
- Patrick Star: Hey, look. Free ice-cream.
- SpongeBob SquarePants: Oh, boy!
- [SpongeBob runs to the "ice-cream booth" surrounded by piles of bones and skulls]
- Patrick Star: [to a skull] How you doing?
- [Looks around and sees the piles of bones and skulls]
- Patrick Star: Wait a minute. Wait a minute! SPONGEBOB!
- SpongeBob SquarePants: Yeah?
- Patrick Star: Make mine a chocolate!
- SpongeBob SquarePants: Don't worry, Mr. Krabs. Patrick, Squidward and I...
- Squidward Tentacles: [Leaving] Pass.
- SpongeBob SquarePants: Uh, Patrick and I...
- Patrick Star: Hi.
- SpongeBob SquarePants: ...will bring back the crown and save you from Neptune's wrath. You have nothing to worry about. Your life is in our hands.
- Mr. Eugene H. Krabs: [worried] Ohh!
- SpongeBob SquarePants: [after Mindy turns Patrick and Spongebob into men] Huh. I don't feel anything differ... oh my gosh, Patrick, you have a mustache!
- Patrick Star: So do you!
- SpongeBob SquarePants: Feast your eyes, Patrick.
- Patrick Star: What is it?
- SpongeBob SquarePants: The Patty Wagon. Mr. Krabs uses it for promotional reasons. Let me show you some of its features: Sesame seed finish; steel-belted pickles; grilled leather interior; and under the hood, a fuel-injected French fryer with dual overhead grease traps.
- Patrick Star: Wow.
- SpongeBob SquarePants: Yeah. Wow.
- Mindy: Good luck, Spongebob!
- SpongeBob SquarePants: Wait, how did you know my name?
- Mindy: Oh, I'm going to be queen of the sea someday! I've been learning the names of all the sea creatures.
- Patrick Star: What's my name?
- Mindy: That's easy! You're Patrick Star!
- Patrick Star: [blushes and laughs, lovestruck]
- [the gas attendants are laughing at SpongeBob, Patrick and the Patty Wagon]
- Patrick Star: Are they laughin' at us?
- SpongeBob SquarePants: No Patrick, they're laughing next to us.
- SpongeBob SquarePants: Run, Patrick!
- Patrick Star: No. I'm tired of running. If we run now, we'll never st...
- [Dennis swats him aside]
- Patrick Star: Aaaah! Run, SpongeBob!