Martin Short credited as playing...
Jiminy Glick • David Lynch
- Jiminy Glick: [voiceover while interviewing Rob Lowe] Isn't it amazing, just 6 months ago, when I was talking to Arlene Shayhee, I was so bored. Here I am talking to Brat-packer Rob Lowe...
- Rob Lowe: I... me... me... I... I... me... I...
- Jiminy Glick: [voiceover] ... and I'm equally bored. What have I learned, I wonder. Ah yes, celebrities can be dull.
- Jiminy Glick: I'm one of those guys that needs it regular, ya know? Sometimes Dixie's awake for it, most of the time she's not.
- Ben DiCarlo: Ambien and some KY, right?
- Jiminy Glick: HAH! Ambien and KY! You know, for the longest time I was taking the KY orally! It's not necessary!
- Jiminy Glick: My, that's a nice beaver.
- Dixie Glick: Why, thank you.
- Jiminy Glick: [Jiminy points at a stuffed beaver] No.
- Dixie Glick: Oh.
- Jiminy Glick: Although yours is nicely... shaped.
- Jiminy Glick: Oprah Winfrey, how do you do what you do so consistently?
- Whoopi Goldberg: I stomp on everyone I can.
- Jiminy Glick: And you're despised by so many. But not by me.
- Whoopi Goldberg: I live for that. And remember to spell my name right. O-P-E-R-A.
- Jiminy Glick: And you're Canadian, I hear. What's that about?
- Kiefer Sutherland: Well this is a fantastic country. Uhm. What's that about?
- Jiminy Glick: That was my question dear.
- Kiefer Sutherland: I know. I'm trying to... I've never actually had to...
- Jiminy Glick: Eventually the show will start. Don't you wanna just finally answer it?
- Kiefer Sutherland: Yeah, what's that about? For me it's been a fantastic... it's where I come from, and it's um...
- Jiminy Glick: What?
- Kiefer Sutherland: Canada!
- Jiminy Glick: You're Canadian? I didn't know that.
- Kiefer Sutherland: Yes, it's true.
- Jiminy Glick: [pointing at Toronto's C.N. Tower] That's a phallic-looking thing! Remind you of anybody?
- Dixie Glick: No.
- Jiminy Glick: The film, "Growing up Gandhi", ha! I loved it, as I said in my review. It's really going to be a huge success.
- Ben DiCarlo: Yeah.
- Jiminy Glick: And he was... Persian?
- Ben DiCarlo: Indian.
- Jiminy Glick: [annoyed expression] Beh. He was not "from here".
- Jiminy Glick: [one of the outtakes] And you were a cheerleader.
- Steve Martin: I was, in high school.
- Jiminy Glick: [effeminate tone] Yoo-hoo!
- [normal voice]
- Jiminy Glick: Ha ha! Everyone must've stared at ya! Talk about bein' gay!
- [Steve cracks up]
- Jiminy Glick: What was that about? Why wouldn't you join the team, like normal fellas? Why would you wanna get the pom-poms and go and be like a big silly "Yoo-hoo!"?
- Jiminy Glick: You know, Kevin Kline, he had an attitude I didn't appreciate.
- Dixie Glick: Really?
- Jiminy Glick: Yes, he did.
- Dixie Glick: I found him delightful.
- Jiminy Glick: I loved him in "Sophie's Choice". I don't remember anything else he's done, and I told him that. And suddenly he looks at me like I'm like this idiot or this fool. And you know what? I resented that. And suddenly I decided that I hated him in "Sophie's Choice".
- Jiminy Glick: Let's talk about communists.
- Steve Martin: In Hollywood?
- Jiminy Glick: In Hollywood. Are they still "pulling the strings"? You read this, that they're pulling the strings. How does Steve Martin feel about such things that I just said?
- Steve Martin: There's a lot of communism in Hollywood, a lot of people are communists.
- Jiminy Glick: No! To this day?
- Steve Martin: Yes, a lot of...
- Jiminy Glick: Operating the studios?
- Steve Martin: Yes they are.
- Jiminy Glick: Running the town?
- Steve Martin: But I would never, uh, y'know, name names.
- Jiminy Glick: You wouldn't name names?
- Steve Martin: No, I would not name names.
- Jiminy Glick: Like if I said Meg Ryan...
- Steve Martin: Communist. Yeah. Absolutely.
- Jiminy Glick: Meg Ryan is a communist?
- Steve Martin: Exactly.
- Jiminy Glick: "The girl next door" is the "red girl next door"?
- Steve Martin: Absolutely.
- Jiminy Glick: Oh, that's stunning.
- Steve Martin: Tom Hanks.
- Jiminy Glick: [astonished] Tom Hanks!
- Steve Martin: Uma Thurman.
- Jiminy Glick: I knew that. That I've heard. I've heard that.
- Kevin Kline: Excuse me, can I help you?
- Jiminy Glick: You're just wonderful.
- Kevin Kline: Well, thank you. And you are...?
- Jiminy Glick: Jiminy Glick.
- Kevin Kline: Jiminy?
- Jiminy Glick: Jiminy Glick.
- [They shake hands]
- Kevin Kline: Jiminy Glick.
- Jiminy Glick: I'm covering this. Some press. We're doing some interviews.
- Kevin Kline: Oh, very good. You're from - you're local?
- Jiminy Glick: I'm from the Middle West. Butte, Montana.
- Kevin Kline: Butte, Montana?
- Jiminy Glick: Yes.
- Kevin Kline: And you're in Toronto?
- Jiminy Glick: Well, it's so weird they sent me here...
- Kevin Kline: There are no Film Festivals in Butte?
- Dixie Glick: All right, now y'all, we can't put this off any more. Now both of you have been in a little trouble at school.
- Jiminy Glick: What's the concern, dear?
- Dixie Glick: Sexual.
- Jiminy Glick: What sexual concerns happened?
- Matthew Glick: Well... I, I don't really know where babies come from.
- Jiminy Glick: [sighs] You are thirteen.
- [to Dixie]
- Jiminy Glick: He's thirteen, have you not spoken to the boy?
- Dixie Glick: I had to explain to YOU how babies can be.
- Jiminy Glick: I know, because my mother was illiterate and she didn't educate me at all. But I don't want him to live through the torment. I was twenty-one, boys, and totally uninformed. Things would happen to me in the downstairs world, and I would go to emergency. I would say, "What's happened? Have I been stung by a bee?" And they'd laugh at me! And that's not the kind of thing I want to have happen to you.
- [to Dixie]
- Jiminy Glick: This makes you look bad as a mother.
- Dixie Glick: I beg your pardon! When you have two boys like this comin' out of your loins at the same time, I believe you've done your duty as a mama.
- Jiminy Glick: What does that have to do with the fact that they don't understand about sex?
- Dixie Glick: It's not my problem. It's WAY above and beyond the call of duty.
- Jiminy Glick: [to Matthew and Modine] At a certain point, the, the male father, the male father daddy, he looks at his wife-lady, and he says "Mmm!"
- [Dixie burps]
- Jiminy Glick: I love the...
- [to Dixie]
- Jiminy Glick: Are you gonna just burp through all this explanation? I'm trying to talk to the boys about something they should know.
- [Dixie burps again]
- Jiminy Glick: [to Matthew and Modine] At some point, the father looks at the mother and she says...
- [Dixie is looking at the floor]
- Jiminy Glick: What are you looking for?
- Dixie Glick: My napkin.
- [farts]
- Jiminy Glick: This is how babies are born, and I want you to listen carefully. Papa, papa male boy, looks at the lady and says "Oh my God, is that shalimar you're wearing?" And you go up to her, and you sniff, you sniff her intensely, and the next thing you know, there's a writhing, and there's a moaning and a groaning, and that's just getting the pants off.