Rob Benedict credited as playing...
Calvin
- Calvin: Come on guys, this is bull crap. Where the hell's my chicken sandwich?
- Floyd: [Picks up chicken with tongs, drops in on the prep board. Points tongs over counter at Calvin] Fuck you, bitch!
- Calvin: What the hell did I do to you, Floyd?
- Floyd: [Using chicken and tongs as microphone, sings] Eat at Shenaniganz, Enjoy your food. Eat at Shenaniganz, Calvin works here!
- Calvin: Oh, that's hardly sanitary.
- Naomi: You really want to know why?
- Monty: Yes I really do.
- Naomi: Ok Ill tell you why. Its because of THIS!
- [jumps on the barstool and lifts her skirt]
- Calvin, Mitch, Monty: OH! MY GOD!
- Naomi: Yea! Bang! Pow! Pow! Pow!
- Monty: Its so angry!
- Naomi: [screeches and hisses like cat]
- Calvin: Oh GOD does that thing have its shots? Put it away! Just put iy away!
- Naomi: Dinner is served!
- Calvin: Well its official, my penis is now just for show.
- Monty: Mitch you picked a FUCKED up night to start working here.
- Dean: Calvin, what happens with every girl you're interested in?
- Monty: Nothing!
- Dean: You take 'em out, you pay for everything, and you never make a move!
- Monty: And then you go home, alone, to masturbate while you cry, using your own tears as lube...
- [cut off]
- Calvin: Ok, that was once, and I was drunk, and *it was Valentine's Day*. So back off.
- Calvin: I never make... how do you make a hundred dollars every night?
- Monty: You wanna know?
- Calvin: Yeah.
- Monty: You really wanna know how I make a hundred dollars every night?
- Calvin: Yes.
- Monty: It's all about that right there!
- [he points; everyone turns around and is confronted by Raddimus' testicles]
- Monty: Yes!
- Raddimus: Yes!
- [everyone groans]
- Monty: Monty with the assist!
- Raddimus: I can't believe how many homos we got working in here!
- Calvin: [to Bishop] Okay... About three months ago I, uh, just finished my shift, and I really had to take a piss. So, uh, I go into the bathroom. And, uh, I'm at the urinal just waiting for the flow, minding my own business. When, ah, I notice out of my peripheral vision the guy standing next to me was looking straight at my dick. And he's just staring at it like they're old pals. I could practically hear what he was thinking. 'Whoa. That's a nice dick.' And that's it. Yeah, since that time, I haven't been able to use a public bathroom.
- Natasha: Dean.
- Dean: What?
- Natasha: The old lady at Table 37 wants you to sing the birthday song for her grandson. His name is Timmy, and he's eight years old.
- Dean: [tosses a cake with Happy Birthday onto the counter from the box] I need birthday singers!
- Monty: Come on, people! We need birthday singers!
- Naomi: Fuck.
- Dean: [the gang walk toward Table 37, clapping and cheering. Dean holds out the cake and brings it to the table, spotting Timmy] There he is. There's the big winner.
- [sets the cake onto the table where Timmy is]
- Monty: [excitedly] Yeah!
- Dean: All right. Attention, guests! Today's a very special occasion. It's Timmy's eighth birthday! Big round of applause.
- [the guests cheer and applaud]
- Dean: He's earned it. He's got his whole life ahead of him. The sky's the limit.
- Dean: [singing] I don't know but I've been told.
- Monty, Amy, Naomi, Serena, Calvin: [singing] Someone here is getting old!
- Dean: [singing, Timmy looks frightened] Good news is dessert is free.
- Monty, Amy, Naomi, Serena, Calvin: [singing] Bad news is we sing off-key!
- Dean: [singing] Happy birthday...
- Dean, Monty, Amy, Naomi, Serena, Calvin: [point to Timmy, in unison] TO YOU!
- [Timmy starts crying in embarrassment, the waiters applaud and cheer. One of them holds up Timmy's arm and waves it in the air]
- Natasha: Look at the camera!
- [holding a camera]
- Dean: Picture time.
- [the camera snaps and we're revealed the photograph of all the waiters and Timmy posed for the picture, Timmy still cries in the background as this happens]
- Dean: All right. All right. Cry it off.