Dave Chappelle: Various • Self - Host

Chappelle's Show

Various • Self - Host

Rick James: Now, Darkness, the tables are turned.
Rick James: [to his bodyguards] Do with him whatever you like.
Charlie Murphy: Motherfuckers take one more step, I'm kicking this nigga out the motherfucking window.
Rick James: Cubbie, freeze!
Charlie Murphy: You know you was wrong for what you did to me earlier. Look what you did to my face!
[soft piano music playing...]
Rick James: I'm sorry, Charlie Murphy, it was an accident. I was having too much fun. I offer you a truce. The stickiest of the icky. You want to smoke with the old boy Rick James?
Charlie Murphy: Yo, man, my forehead is bumpin', man.
Rick James: Now that you mention it, I think I'm bleeding inside my chest. But I got the medicine.
Rick James: Bitches... Come over here and have sex with Charlie Murphy.
Rick James: I'm Rick James, bitch.
[Rick claps twice]

Tyrone Biggums: ...and that, kids, was the first time I sucked a dick for crack.

Businessman: I'll have a Samuel Jackson.
Samuel Jackson: [shouts] Good motherfucking choice, motherfucker! Samuel Jackson! Made painstakingly by me, Samuel L. Jackson! It'll get ya drunk! You'll be fucking fat girls in no time! You might even fight a nigga or two! Mmmm-mmm, bitch!
[Jackson walks up to the businessman]
Samuel Jackson: [shouts] How's it taste, motherfucker?
Businessman: Could you please stop yelling at me?
Samuel Jackson: [shouts] No, I can't stop yelling, 'cause that's how I talk! Haven't you seen my movies? "Juice" That was a good one! "Deep Blue Sea" They ate me! A motherfucking shark ate me! Drink up, bitch!

Tyrone Biggums: Why do you think I carjacked you, Rhonda?
Rhonda: 'Cause the cops found you in it three hours later asleep, high on crack!
Tyrone Biggums: That's impossible, Rhonda. How can you sleep when you're high on crack? Chinese riddle for you.

Silky Johnson: [referring to Rosie O'Donnell] Now that man I'd hate to fight. Cause she wears underwear with dick-holes in 'em.

Rick James: [as Charlie and Eddie Murphy beat up on his legs] YOU DARKNESS, YOU BLACK - LATE NIGHT - EVIL MOTHAFUCKAS - BLACK MAGIC, DARKNESS! YOU RAW... DARKNESS... YOU... DELIRIOUS... MOTHAFUCKAS. YOU WAS COLD AS ICE.
Charlie Murphy: [narrating] But still, after taking a beating like that, Rick's like...
Rick James: Fuck yo couch, nigga.

Mace "Sam Jackson" Windau: [during press conference talking about Jedi's raping their students] I would just like to say that this counsil will have zero tolerance for any sexual deviency regarding our Jedi knights!
Reporter: Mace, do you feel that the Jedi's that have commited this crime deserve to die?
Mace "Sam Jackson" Windau: Yes, they deserve to die! And I hope they burn in hell!

[after Dylan attempted to choke Wyclef Jean]
P. Diddy: If I had my way, I'd never work. I'd just stay home all day, watch Scarface 50 times, eat a turkey sandwich, and have sex all fucking day. Then I'd dress up like a clown, and surprise kids at schools. Then I'd take a dump in the back of a movie theater, and just wait until somebody sat in it. Hear it squish. That's funny to me. Then I'd paint, and read, and play violin. I'd climb the mountains, and sing the songs that I like to sing. But I don't got that kinda time.

Tyrone Biggums: Remember what the Bible says: He who is without sin, cast the first rock. And I shall smoketh it.

Charlie Murphy: I knew what hotel he was stayin' at. I told my boys I'd catch up with them later. So I shot over to the hotel, went up to his room...
[Cuts to Rick James sitting on a dresser talking to himself]
Rick James: So then... he comes in there and I says, "Listen, bitch, I'm Rick James."

[speaking to elementary school class]
Tyrone Biggums: Drugs is all around you kids. Look at that magic marker cap. What the hell you think that is, some kind of crayon? Take it off and sniff it and get high.