Jacob Pitts credited as playing...
Cooper Harris
- Cooper: Oh, here it is. Bratislava. Hmm. Capital of Slovakia. Oh, here's a fun fact: You made out with your sister, man!
- Scott: Let me handle this, I speak better German. Hello!
- Truck Driver: Hello!
- Scott: [in German] My German is ill, but I can understand on you if the speaking is slowly.
- Truck Driver: [in German] German! I have been driving for 14 hours straight and I haven't slept in three days and I am wired on schnapps, benzedrine, and those little chocolate covered peanuts.
- Cooper: What did he say?
- Scott: He said he's driving, something...
- Scott: [in German] Do you know where is Berlin?
- Truck Driver: [in German] Berlin? Yes, I know it well. I stabbed a woman in a bar in Berlin. But I am going nowhere near Berlin.
- Scott: Berlin!
- Truck Driver: [in German] Berlin! I also sexually assaulted a horse in Berlin.
- Scott: He's going to Berlin.
- Jamie: Awesome.
- Truck Driver: [in German] Nowhere near Berlin.
- Scott: All right, come on, let's go.
- [the group get in the back of the truck]
- Truck Driver: [to self, in German] I'll drive this truck off a cliff before I ever go back to Berlin.
- Madame Vandersexxx: [Screams] On, on, VANDERSEXXX!
- [the sexy ladies leave while the room is transformed into a BDSM lair and Madame is revealed as a domanitrix]
- Madame Vandersexxx: Hans, Gruber!
- [Hans and Gruber, Madame's goons, step into the room]
- Cooper: [nervously] Hi. So, are the girls coming back?
- Madame Vandersexxx: Administer the testicle clamps!
- Cooper: [grows fearful; Cooper's jeans are ripped off] Huh? What? Hey!
- [the boys prepare to torture Cooper as Madame smiles and watches]
- Cooper: [panics as he pulls out the paper with the "safe word", but mispronounces it] Safe word! What is that? That's not a word! That's a - "Fluggen-kliggin-kien"?
- [after taking a drink of Absinthe]
- Jamie: I gotta say, I'm not feeling anything.
- Cooper: Me neither.
- Scott: Sober as a judge.
- [to a hallucinatory green fairy]
- Scott: How about you?
- Green Fairy: I'm not feelin' a goddamn thing. This Absinthe is BULLSHIT!
- Cooper: You know America was founded by prudes. Prudes who left Europe because they hated all the kinky, steamy European sex that was going on. And now I, Cooper Harris, will return to the land of my perverted forefathers and claim my birthright... which is a series of erotic and sexually challenging adventures.
- Scott: You've really thaught a lot about this, haven't you?
- Cooper: It's my passion!
- Madame Vandersexxx: Welcome to Club Vandersexxx, Amsterdam's most erotic club. Where your every fantasy will be fulfilled.
- Cooper: Also, says I get a free t-shirt with the flyer.
- Madame Vandersexxx: He is American. How sad for you to grow up in a country that was founded by prudes. A country over run with crime and illiteracy. A country where a man is forced to make sex to only one woman at a time and one must learn the woman's name beforehand.
- Cooper: It was horrible.
- Madame Vandersexxx: I know, but you can come with me and let the Vandersexxx begin.
- Scott: I'm in love with my pen pal! I'm in love with Mike!
- Cooper: Okay, okay. You know what? I was actually expecting this. And frankly, listen, I'm flattered that you picked me to come out to first. And don't worry about telling your folks, cause, eh, I think they already know.
- Scott: No, you idiot, Mike is a girl!
- Cooper: No, no, no, I get it, yeah. He's the girl, you're the girl. Sometimes you're both the girl. Right, right? That's hot. But, you know, whatever works for you. I'm not gonna judge it.
- Cooper: [in London, answers his cell phone] Cooper here. Hello Mr. Walters. Uh, yes sir, I'm down in file storage. Oh, just hang on one second.
- [lowers phone, picks teeth, puts phone back to ear]
- Cooper: No, sir, I can't find the Goodwin file anywhere. Yes sir, I'll keep looking. I don't rest until I find it.
- [hangs up]
- Scott: You didn't tell your boss you were leaving the country?
- Cooper: They would have stopped paying me. Seemed easier.