Caroline Dhavernas credited as playing...
Jaye Tyler
- Mahandra: [reversing her decision to miss her reunion] I'm going.
- Jaye: What?
- Mahandra: I'll go to your little shindig.
- Jaye: You will? Great! Okay, here's the list Gretchen gave me ...
- Mahandra: [interrupting, angrily] Oh, no. I've got my *own* list of things to do, and at the top of it? Destroy Gretchen Speck. You may be the universe's butt-puppet, but I'm its right-hand fist of fate. And tonight... accounts are comin' due.
- Mahandra: [off of Jaye's sudden kindness] Have you been huffing puff paint? Because this just isn't like you.
- Jaye: What do you mean, "like me"? There is no "like me". I'm not "like anything" and if I were, it certainly wouldn't be me.
- Mahandra: Why are you doing this?
- Jaye: [resigned] I don't have a choice; I'm a puppet. The universe just sticks its hand up my butt, and if I don't dance, people get hurt!
- Mahandra McGinty: What are you doing?
- Jaye: Trying to save the lovebirds.
- Mahandra McGinty: Why'd you open the window?
- Jaye: What? I can't believe you - I didn't - you - That obvious, huh?
- Mahandra McGinty: What's obvious is that you're using these birds to avoid Eric. Why?
- Jaye: Because... I'm a snowy owl love killer. I'm a man-eater. I just - I was hoping things would be different with Eric. I thought maybe I could just nibble. But a natural predator can't just nibble.
- Mahandra McGinty: Oh, my God, Jaye. You cannot do this to him. You promised.
- Jaye: I know. I'm trying to save him... by avoiding him so I could be with him. But I can't go near him, or I'll destroy him. So if I could just manage to stay away from him then maybe we could be together. Please don't repeat that back to me.
- Wonderfalls Security Guard: [after catching the little boy shoplifting] You have choices, life choices. This was a bad life choice. That's why you're in an unpleasant situation. Unpleasant situations can be avoided by making good life choices.
- Jaye: I have to disagree. I make good life choices. Mostly because they're forced on me, but I make them. And I find myself in unpleasant situations all the time. You know why? Because even if you have a choice it can and will be taken away from you. We're all fate's bitch. You might as well go ahead and bend over for destiny now.
- Darrin Tyler: Sweetheart, when's the last time you had an orgasm.
- [silence]
- Sharon Tyler: That sound you hear is stunned silence.
- Darrin Tyler: There's nothing to be ashamed of. Millions of people have orgasms every day.
- Jaye: Not ashamed, mortified.
- [after telling a story about Indians to a little boy]
- Loitering Boy: So what happened to the chief?
- Jaye: He died.
- Loitering Boy: Why didn't the princess die?
- Jaye: Because she was hot. Are you going to buy the tape or not?
- Loitering Boy: No.
- Jaye: Then get out. No loitering.
- Katrina: You're horrible. You make up this story about demons talking to you through plastic animals when nothing talks to you just like nothing talks to me.
- Jaye: I didn't make anything up.
- Wax Lion: Break the tail light.
- Jaye: Ha! See? It just talked to me.
- [Jaye holds up the wax lion]
- Katrina: Oh for God's sake.
- Jaye: Maybe! Maybe it is for God's sake!
- Wax Lion: Break the tail light.
- Jaye: Except it's telling me to break a tail light. Which is vandalism. Which is the Devil's work. Which is why one little exorcism is not too much to ask.
- Katrina: Is this fun for you? Torturing a wayward nun?
- Jaye: Oh, yeah, this is a laugh-riot. This is where I would most like to be - standing in the freezing cold being called a liar by a nun and coerced by a Wax Lion to commit crime. It's so much fun!
- [Car rolls up and break the tail light of the car in front of it]
- Jaye: Great.
- Katrina: What just happened?
- Jaye: [to wax lion] You little bastard! I can't afford my insurance premiums as it is!
- Katrina: [stunned] Your car. It broke the tail light!
- Jaye: I know. But I don't think anyone else saw. So, since you and the Priest aren't gonna help me, the least you can do is not tell anyone.
- [Jaye gets into the car, slams into one more car and gets out of the parking lot]
- Bianca: You've shown me a new way. I can live in a pressureless, expectation-free zone.
- Jaye: That's my zone! You're parked in my zone!
- Bianca: And it's the only place I'll ever be able to breathe.
- Jaye: You didn't stutter at all when you were gettin' me to sing, you planned this! You suck!
- Bianca: You suck!
- Bianca, Jaye: [together] You suck!
- Bianca: Whatever!
- Jaye: Whatever!
- Bianca, Jaye: [together] Whatever!