Paul Weiner credited as playing...
Sheriff Duncan
- Sheriff Duncan: So how's about that chili cook-off? Word has it you're a shoo-in for first place this year.
- Waitress: Flattery will get you everywhere, Tom. I hear Cajun Charlie's whipping up a batch of his ass-kicking, bowel-bomber con carne.
- Sheriff Duncan: Shit, Cajun Charlie ain't got nothin' on you, honey.
- Waitress: You old sweet-talker, how about taking a dozen glazed old-fashioned when you go? I know Dan and Rick like 'em.
- Sheriff Duncan: How about you sit on my face and make me look like a glazed donut? Ain't no cop worth his badge that doesn't take your donuts home honey.
- Waitress: Any time, honey.
- Waitress: I hear tell Jack Schmidt escaped from Hardell last night and disappeared into the sewer.
- Sheriff Duncan: I wouldn't exactly say he disappeared... he got shot by a Federal Marshall... he fell into a vat of boiling acid and all the skin was ripped off his body.
- Waitress: So he's dead then?
- Sheriff Duncan: Yup.
- Sheriff Duncan: Hey Donny, give me another drink.
- Donny: Tom, that's number five. Is something on your mind?
- Sheriff Duncan: Hu Flung Pu.
- Donny: What?
- Sheriff Duncan: Never mind, it's just a little stupid joke we used to say as kids.
- Donny: So who was it?
- Sheriff Duncan: Who was what?
- Donny: Hu Flung Pu.
- Sheriff Duncan: You know, that's what everyone wants to know...
- Deputy Rick: [Talking through the ventriloquist puppet] Hey dude, wanna smoke a doobie?
- Sheriff Duncan: So who's this fella?
- Deputy Rick: This here's "Donnie Doper." Dan and I were making him up as part of the new anti-drug program we'll be preaching to the elementary school this week.
- Deputy Dan: Thought it would be an interesting way to reach out to the kids. Rick made him up like a junky scumbag!
- Deputy Rick: [Talking through Donnie] You can end up just like me! A smelly, unemployed, dope smokin' dickweed, living off other people's spare change, and shooting up in public restrooms! Heh heh, groovy!
- Deputy Dan: Ha, little punk.
- Deputy Rick: [Talking through Donnie] You can't do shit to me, you pigfucker!
- [Talking normally]
- Deputy Rick: What'd you say to me, you little punk-bitch? You got something to say to me?
- [Talking through Donnie]
- Deputy Rick: Yeah! I got rights, man!
- [Talking normally]
- Deputy Rick: Oh, you want some rights? I'll give you some fucking rights! You have the right to remain silent!
- [Talking through Donnie]
- Deputy Rick: I want a lawyer!
- [Talking normally]
- Deputy Rick: You want a fucking lawyer? How about this?
- [slams Donnie against the wall]
- Deputy Rick: What? How do you like that? You really think that's fucking funny, hippie freak? You fucking...
- [slams Donnie against the wall again]
- Deputy Rick: Huh? Yeah? You got a problem with that, mother fucker?
- [slams Donnie on the desk]
- Deputy Rick: Goddamn piece of shit! You...
- [starts incoherently swearing while beating Donnie with a flashlight, while Dan and Duncan look on awkwardly]
- Sheriff Duncan: What in the hell could of done that?
- Agent Hannigan: I don't know, I don't even want to guess.
- Sheriff Duncan: Okay, this is gonna sound crazy, but you know that old urban legend,you know, with the alligator in the sewer?... Gettin' flushed down the toilet?... And it grows to gigantic proportions...?
- Agent Hannigan: You've been watching too many crappy horror movies, Sheriff.
- Deputy Dan: It looks like we have a 12-13 act in progress, over.
- Sheriff Duncan: A what? Over.
- Deputy Dan: It's a new code for chasing a man down into a sewer tunnel. Rick didn't think we had one, so he uh... made one up.
- Agent Hannigan: That bacteria must have leaked from DuTech Genetics. I know this sounds impossible, but it seems like it somehow mutated Jack Schmidt's genetic makeup when he was down there in that tank.
- Sheriff Duncan: I liked the alligator in the sewer, better.