Rick Popko credited as playing...
Deputy Rick
- Deputy Rick: It's gonna be okay, just tell us what happened.
- Daughter: A giant number two killed my Daddy.
- Deputy Dan: 'Kay, so a number two... like a number two puppet? Like on the TVTubbies? With the little gay guy?
- Deputy Rick: Was it a big puppet? Was it a big number two puppet?
- Daughter: No! It was a doo-doo!
- Deputy Rick: A doo-doo?
- Daughter: Yes, it was a big doo-doo, it was the biggest doo-doo in the world!
- Deputy Dan: So the biggest doo-doo in the world came and took your Daddy away?
- Deputy Rick: How big was this doo-doo?
- Daughter: It was bigger than you!
- Deputy Rick: [Talking through the ventriloquist puppet] Hey dude, wanna smoke a doobie?
- Sheriff Duncan: So who's this fella?
- Deputy Rick: This here's "Donnie Doper." Dan and I were making him up as part of the new anti-drug program we'll be preaching to the elementary school this week.
- Deputy Dan: Thought it would be an interesting way to reach out to the kids. Rick made him up like a junky scumbag!
- Deputy Rick: [Talking through Donnie] You can end up just like me! A smelly, unemployed, dope smokin' dickweed, living off other people's spare change, and shooting up in public restrooms! Heh heh, groovy!
- Deputy Dan: Ha, little punk.
- Deputy Rick: [Talking through Donnie] You can't do shit to me, you pigfucker!
- [Talking normally]
- Deputy Rick: What'd you say to me, you little punk-bitch? You got something to say to me?
- [Talking through Donnie]
- Deputy Rick: Yeah! I got rights, man!
- [Talking normally]
- Deputy Rick: Oh, you want some rights? I'll give you some fucking rights! You have the right to remain silent!
- [Talking through Donnie]
- Deputy Rick: I want a lawyer!
- [Talking normally]
- Deputy Rick: You want a fucking lawyer? How about this?
- [slams Donnie against the wall]
- Deputy Rick: What? How do you like that? You really think that's fucking funny, hippie freak? You fucking...
- [slams Donnie against the wall again]
- Deputy Rick: Huh? Yeah? You got a problem with that, mother fucker?
- [slams Donnie on the desk]
- Deputy Rick: Goddamn piece of shit! You...
- [starts incoherently swearing while beating Donnie with a flashlight, while Dan and Duncan look on awkwardly]
- Female Marshal: Freeze, Schmidt!
- Deputy Rick: Hands in the air!
- Jack Schmidt: Eat shit, piggy!
- [marshal fires her pistol]
- Jack Schmidt: You shot me, you bitch!
- Deputy Rick: Whoa whoa whoa, there's some shit down here.
- Female Marshal: We're in a sewer, brainiac.
- Deputy Rick: No no no, I'm not talking about shit-shit, I'm talking about green, steamy, slimey shit.
- Agent Hannigan: Did you question Mrs. Keller about her husband's whereabouts in the last 24 hours?
- Deputy Rick: Hell no! We just wanted to get the hell out of there.
- Deputy Dan: We just thought we should mention the Jack Schmidt thing as soon as possible.
- Deputy Rick: Dan got pictures of 'em!
- Deputy Dan: Can't wait to see the look on my wife's face when she develops THAT roll!