Matthew Lillard credited as playing...
Jerry Conlaine
- Jerry Conlaine: I christen this, Duke the second!
- [smashes beer bottle on canoe]
- River Guide: Thanks for breaking glass where my kids play.
- Jerry Conlaine: Well I was a boyscout. Tom, you were a boyscout, weren't you?
- Tom Marshall: No, but I ate a brownie once.
- Tom Marshall: Is this Billy's funeral? Is that the corpse of Billy Newwood? Jer, is that you?
- [Jerry waves, embarrassed]
- Tom Marshall: Are you with Dan? Where'd you guys park?
- Jerry Conlaine: TOM!
- Dan Mott: What are you doing?
- Jerry Conlaine: Taking off my shoes
- Dan Mott: Why?
- Jerry Conlaine: Because I run faster with no shoes
- Dan Mott: You can't out-run that bear!
- Jerry Conlaine: I dont have to out-run the bear, I just have to out-run you!
- Dan Mott: I'm out.
- Jerry Conlaine: What does that mean?
- Tom Marshall: I think it means he's out. Like coming out, like he's finally admitting he's gay.
- Dan Mott: The only chance we have to survive is to huddle together for warmth...
- Jerry Conlaine: I, for one, choose death.
- Jerry Conlaine: Come back to bed, you guys. I'm freezing.
- Tom Marshall: Not until he puts Jabba back in his Hut!
- Tom Marshall: We'll shine them. It's an old Cherokee trick.
- Jerry Conlaine: Oh, I forgot. The Cherokee have been using flashlights for thousands of years.
- Dan Mott: Didn't they pioneer the D-cell battery?
- Jerry Conlaine: Come on, Dan. It's like when we'd jump off the railroad bridge into the river when we were kids. That was... higher than this...
- Dan Mott: But I never *did* jump in the river! You guys always pushed me when I wasn't looking!
- Jerry Conlaine: Oh yea...
- [Jerry pushes Dan off the Treehouse]
- Jerry Conlaine: [laying in the boat, after rapid riding] I about shit. Did you about shit?
- Tom Marshall: I about shit.
- Dan Mott: I did shit.
- Jerry Conlaine: Oh shit!
- Dan Mott: What? Oh, shit? Oh, shit! What? Oh, shit?
- Dan Mott: [while falling off the waterfall]
- [all together shout]
- Dan Mott: Oh, shit!
- Jerry Conlaine: So this is Spirit River, we take that to Widowmaker Bend and then we hike to Devil's Staircase and that should lead us right to the top of Hellfire...
- Dan Mott: What's with all these satanic names? Isn't there, like, a Fluffy Bunny Way?
- Tom Marshall: No... but there's a Shut-Up-You-Big-Baby Ridge.
- Dan Mott: I wouldn't be so jealous of me if I were you. Every day I develop some new and exciting phobia.
- Jerry Conlaine: You're exaggerating again.
- Dan Mott: I'm afraid of the dark, Jerry.
- Jerry Conlaine: So? There's a lot of people that are afraid of the dark.
- Dan Mott: I'm afraid of small spaces.
- Jerry Conlaine: Again, not that abnormal.
- Dan Mott: Cellophane.
- Tom Marshall: Like Saran Wrap?
- Jerry Conlaine: Yeah, you're alone on that one.
- Dan Mott: I won't even keep it in the house anymore, because I'm afraid that somehow it'll get draped over my head and stick to my mouth and nose and I'll suffocate. How pathetic is that?
- Tom Marshall: Very.
- Jerry Conlaine: But you could've left! Why'd you stay up here all these years?
- Del Knox: Seemed like a good idea at the time. Know what I mean, kid?
- Jerry Conlaine: Yeah, I do.
- Del Knox: Have you ever spent 30 years in a cabin?
- Jerry Conlaine: ...No.
- Del Knox: Well, then you don't know what I mean!
- Jerry Conlaine: I mean, metaphorically, I know what you mean.
- Del Knox: Metaphorically, have you ever spent 30 years in a cabin?
- Jerry Conlaine: Uh - no.
- Del Knox: Well then think before you talk!
- [Denise carries a cardboard box into her house as the answer machine comes on]
- Jerry Conlaine: [on the answer machine] Hi, this is Jerry, and I can't come to the phone right now because I am busy trying to convince the love of my life to give me another chance. And I will prove to her that I grew up just enough to know that I want the responsibility day in and day out of being there for her in this relationship which I am hoping will someday become marriage, kids and an *unbelievably* happy life together.
- [Denise starts to smile as she hears the message]
- Jerry Conlaine: [hangs up] Hi honey.
- [Jerry gets down on one knee and proposes to Denise, who accepts his proposal. Jerry stands up and embraces her]
- Denise: Can you please be serious for 5 minutes?
- Jerry Conlaine: My record is 4 but I think I can do it.
- Tom Marshall: So you're saying you lost the map? You don't have it?
- Jerry Conlaine: No, I'm saying I forgot to hold on to it while my ass was free-falling over a 100 foot waterfall
- Tom Marshall: So you don't have it?
- Jerry Conlaine: Wait a second. Tom, were you really employee of the month?
- Tom Marshall: No! I lied about that too!
- Tom Marshall: [urging dan to climb through a hole] Come on Dan, your the only one small enough to get through.
- Jerry Conlaine: That's what she said.
- Dan Mott: It crawled straight in my stomach!
- Jerry Conlaine: Come on, let's go
- Dan Mott: I think it laid its eggs in my stomach!