Seth Green credited as playing...
Dan Mott
- Dan Mott: What are you doing?
- Jerry Conlaine: Taking off my shoes
- Dan Mott: Why?
- Jerry Conlaine: Because I run faster with no shoes
- Dan Mott: You can't out-run that bear!
- Jerry Conlaine: I dont have to out-run the bear, I just have to out-run you!
- Dan Mott: I'm out.
- Jerry Conlaine: What does that mean?
- Tom Marshall: I think it means he's out. Like coming out, like he's finally admitting he's gay.
- Dan Mott: The only chance we have to survive is to huddle together for warmth...
- Jerry Conlaine: I, for one, choose death.
- Dan Mott: This trip is officially over! This is finished! Let's just go home.
- Tom Marshall: I agree. That is a great idea. All we've got to do is jump up over that 100-foot waterfall, swim upstream 20 miles, get the sheriff on the phone... he liked us, I remember. And he'll send out a rescue boat. And... hey, there's a beer in the river. Cool.
- [Billy's French speaking girlfriend rubs herself on his casket]
- Dan Mott: Billy's dead and he still has a better chance of getting laid than I do.
- Dan Mott: Hey, that sounds like Creed.
- Tom Marshall: I never thought I'd be happy to hear anything that sounds like Creed.
- Tom Marshall: We'll shine them. It's an old Cherokee trick.
- Jerry Conlaine: Oh, I forgot. The Cherokee have been using flashlights for thousands of years.
- Dan Mott: Didn't they pioneer the D-cell battery?
- Jerry Conlaine: Come on, Dan. It's like when we'd jump off the railroad bridge into the river when we were kids. That was... higher than this...
- Dan Mott: But I never *did* jump in the river! You guys always pushed me when I wasn't looking!
- Jerry Conlaine: Oh yea...
- [Jerry pushes Dan off the Treehouse]
- Dan Mott: [doing his best c3p0 voice] We are in serious trouble my friends. All data points to us being... how do you human's say it? Completely screwed.
- Dan Mott: yeah. You know, that is... that's a good way to say it. That pretty much sums it up.
- Dan Mott: [doing his best c3p0 voice] As expected, Tom is... drunk.
- Jerry Conlaine: [laying in the boat, after rapid riding] I about shit. Did you about shit?
- Tom Marshall: I about shit.
- Dan Mott: I did shit.
- Jerry Conlaine: Oh shit!
- Dan Mott: What? Oh, shit? Oh, shit! What? Oh, shit?
- Dan Mott: [while falling off the waterfall]
- [all together shout]
- Dan Mott: Oh, shit!
- Jerry Conlaine: So this is Spirit River, we take that to Widowmaker Bend and then we hike to Devil's Staircase and that should lead us right to the top of Hellfire...
- Dan Mott: What's with all these satanic names? Isn't there, like, a Fluffy Bunny Way?
- Tom Marshall: No... but there's a Shut-Up-You-Big-Baby Ridge.
- Dan Mott: I bet you a hundred grand and my left nut that all you catch in that river is a cold.
- Tom Marshall: [after catching a fish] You owe me a hundred grand AND the left nut!
- Dan Mott: I wouldn't be so jealous of me if I were you. Every day I develop some new and exciting phobia.
- Jerry Conlaine: You're exaggerating again.
- Dan Mott: I'm afraid of the dark, Jerry.
- Jerry Conlaine: So? There's a lot of people that are afraid of the dark.
- Dan Mott: I'm afraid of small spaces.
- Jerry Conlaine: Again, not that abnormal.
- Dan Mott: Cellophane.
- Tom Marshall: Like Saran Wrap?
- Jerry Conlaine: Yeah, you're alone on that one.
- Dan Mott: I won't even keep it in the house anymore, because I'm afraid that somehow it'll get draped over my head and stick to my mouth and nose and I'll suffocate. How pathetic is that?
- Tom Marshall: Very.
- Dan Mott: [lying in a bed] So happy right now.
- [the camera pans out, revealing Flower lying next to Dan]
- Flower: [lovingly] That was really... really beautiful.
- [Dan smiles and Flower moves closer and kisses him]
- Flower: [lovingly holding Dan] Hmmm will you get the light hon'?
- Dan Mott: Oh... yeah.
- [Dan turns the light off using his foot]
- Flower: [kindly] You're so good at that now.
- [Dan giggles]
- Dan Mott: [as Flower is lovingly attending to him] I'm very good at giving a back massage... so if you wanna roll down those stockings I could give you one.
- Flower: Stockings?
- Dan Mott: Uh, leg warmers?
- Flower: [shows Dan one of her very hairy legs] I'm all natural.
- [Flower giggles]
- Dan Mott: Supernatural.
- Dan Mott: It crawled straight in my stomach!
- Jerry Conlaine: Come on, let's go
- Dan Mott: I think it laid its eggs in my stomach!