Stephen Root credited as playing...
Gordon
- Gordon: Hey, Honey!
- [his wife gives the "L" sign]
- Gordon: "L" for love! Good times.
- Dwight: "L" for love? That doesn't mean love, Gordon...
- Peter La Fleur: No, it's... people have different translations for different things and that's a special bond that you have with uh... with your mail-order wife. I think that's nice. It's fine.
- Owen: [after Patches O'Houlihan has been killed] Look on the bright side, at least we've still got Peter!
- Dwight: Yeah, but Globo Gym's got guys named Laser, and Blazer, and Tazer, and all kinds of "azer's"! Without Patches, we're going to get our taints handed to us, that's what!
- Justin: [Whispers to Gordon] What's a taint?
- Gordon: I don't know, but it sounds *bad*!
- Justin: How many teams are in this qualifier?
- Gordon: Uh, two.
- Justin: So all we have to do is beat this team and we're in the Vegas Open, right?
- Gordon: Yeah!
- Owen: That seems pretty simple.
- Dwight: Who's the other team?
- Gordon: Uh, I have it right here, just a second... Troop 417.
- Steve the Pirate: Christ! We're playin' Boy Scouts!
- Peter La Fleur: Not quite!
- [Troop 417 are tough-looking Girl Scouts; one spits on the ground]
- Steve the Pirate: BOLLOCKS!
- Gordon: Guy, not to sound negative, but we've only had one customer, and it's that weird guy who keeps paying Justin to wash his truck.
- [the guys turn around to see Justin scrubbing a monster truck]
- Weird Guy with Monster Truck: [while picking his belly button] That's it, boy. Get in there nice and deep-like.
- Justin: This place is too important to us! Gordon, where do you go when your wife changes the locks?
- Gordon: Average Joe's.
- Justin: Right! Dwight, Owen, what are you going to do if Average Joe's closes? You gonna work at the airport again?
- Dwight: Say what? I ain't working at no airport!
- Justin: No, 'cause you hated it! Steve! Where is it you go to do... whatever it is that you do?
- Steve the Pirate: Garrr! Joe's be the only place for Steve!
- [before the championship game]
- Peter La Fleur: Okay guys, let's play smart. Wait for your two-on-ones, cover closely for your pickups. What's our team motto?
- Owen: Aim low?
- Peter La Fleur: That's right. All I'm asking is that you give it your best for Patches. I say we go out there, we let it all hang loose, try to have some fun. I mean, it's only dodgeball, right?
- [Everyone laughs]
- Peter La Fleur: Put 'em in.
- [Hands in]
- Peter La Fleur: One, two, three...
- Peter La Fleur, Owen, Justin, Kate Veatch, Dwight, Gordon: JOE'S!
- Patches O'Houlihan: You couldn't hit water if you fell out of a boat. Where's your killer instincts, son? You gotta get angry! You gotta get *mean*! That's the only way you can play!
- Gordon: Well, I guess I'm not really an angry person.
- Patches O'Houlihan: [hits Gordon in the crotch] Are you angry now?