Dylan Moran: David

Shaun of the Dead

David

Liz: Shaun?
Shaun: Yeah?
Liz: You see what I'm saying?
Shaun: Yep, totally.
Liz: I know he's your best friend, but you do live with him.
Shaun: I know.
Liz: It's not that I don't like Ed.
[Liz looks over at Ed who is playing an arcade game]
Liz: Ed, it's not that I don't like you.
Ed: It's all right.
Liz: It would just be nice if we could...
Ed: [talking to the arcade machine] Fuck!
Liz: ...spend a bit more time together...
Ed: [talking to the arcade machine] Bollocks!
Liz: ...just the two of us.
Ed: [talking to the arcade machine] Cock it!
Liz: It's just with Ed here, it's no wonder I always bring my flat-mates out and then that only exacerbates things.
Shaun: What do you mean?
Liz: Well you guys hardly get on, do you?
Shaun: No, what does "exacerbate" mean?
Liz: It means um, to make things worse.
Shaun: Right. Well I mean, it's not that I don't like David and Di.
[Shaun looks over at David and Di at the table next to them]
Shaun: Guys, it's not that I don't like you.
David, Dianne: [together] It's all right.
Shaun: And it's not that I don't want to spend time with you cause I do. It's just... Ed doesn't have too many friends.
Ed: Can I get... any of you cunts... a drink?

[after Shaun gets shouted at by Liz]
David: Basically, I'd say your nine lives are up, Shaun
Shaun: Get fucked, four eyes! Why don't you go out with her if you love her so much?
David: What do you mean by that?
[storms off]
David: Well, I don't know what he meant by that.
[uncomfortable silence]

Dianne: I don't think he'd leave us, Davs.
David: Wouldn't he? Lizzy, how can you put your faith in a man you spectacularly binned for being unreliable? A man whose idea of a romantic nightspot and an impenetrable fortress are the same thing? It's... This is a pub! We are in a pub! What are we going to do now?
Ed: We could get a round in.

Shaun: You're the one that's gone from being a chartered accountant to Charlton Heston!
David: I'm not a chartered accountant!
Shaun: Well, you look like one!
Ed: YEAH!
David: I'm a lecturer.
Shaun: You're a twat!
Ed: YEAH!

[David discovers that the zombies have somehow made it into the bar. Shaun, Ed and Liz are still beating the barman]
Shaun: Why is Queen still playing?
David: Ah, we have a situation here.
Shaun: I KNOW!

Liz, Declan: [as each survivor passes by their parallel counterpart] Hi.
David, Mark: [formally] Hello.
Dianne, Maggie: [friendly] Hi!
Barbara, Yvonne's Mum: [politely] Hello.
Ed, Cousin Tom: [too involved with their cell phones, briefly glancing at each other, muttering] Hello.

Liz: [during a standoff where David wants to shoot Shaun's Mum Barbara before she turns] Please, can we just stop and think about this?
Shaun: Tell him to put the gun down!
David: Look, Lizzie, she's gonna change. You know I'm right. And when she does, she'll come back, and she'll kill *all* of us. That's what your *ex* can't seem to realize.
Shaun: THAT'S what this is about, isn't it? It's just... it's just he doesn't like me! He's always hated me, and now he wants to shoot my mum!
David: She's not...!
Shaun: You never thought I deserved her, or that I was good enough!
David: What are you talking about?
Shaun: Oh, come on, we all know you're in love with Liz!
David: That is not true!
Shaun: Yes it is!
David: [refusing to make eye contact with Shaun] That is not true...
Dianne: Yes, it is...
David: What?
Dianne: I know you only hung out with me at college to get close to Liz, and when she knocked you back, I was there to pick up the pieces. I have come to terms with that, Daffs. Why can't you?
David: Lizzie. I want you to know that my feelings for you have always been essentially...
Liz: [flabbergasted] David, please! There are slightly more pressing matters at hand here!