Dan Cortese credited as playing...
- Jimmy: It's been 10 weeks since Otis was born and you combine that with the last nine weeks of pregnancy and we haven't done it in almost five months. I miss it in there.
- Beth: I know, it's just... Well, last time it was in there for nine months and it kinda trashed the place.
- Jimmy: OK, fair enough. Any other vacancies in the building?
- Carl: How do you like your steak?
- Jimmy: Like I like my Childhood Mutism: very rare.
- [Jimmy and Carl wake up spooning]
- Carl: How much beer did we drink?
- Jimmy: Is my hand on your ass?
- Carl: Yes.
- Jimmy: Too much!
- [Jimmy wants to have sex]
- Jimmy: I'll take care of him until midnight, even though I get up at four, if you just take one for the team.
- Beth: Take one for the team?
- Jimmy: Yeah. Yeah, you know, like when a baseball player gets hit by a pitch on purpose. It doesn't feel good but you do it for the team.
- Jimmy: Thanks a lot, Otis. You know, when you're 18 and about to get some, I'm gonna pee on you.
- Boyle: You know what it means when a morning D.J. yawns on the air?
- Jimmy: Yeah, he's tired.
- Boyle: No, he's dead. The only thing that makes people change their stations faster is four in a row by Kenny G.
- Boyle: I told you, there's no room for kids in morning radio. They make you lose your edge. That's why I never had kids.
- Jimmy: Really? I thought it was because no one would do you... I'm sorry... I mean for free.
- Jimmy: Before your wife has the baby she is a sex machine. Ok, after the baby is born, the ol' sex machine shuts down for a while and, uh... Well, you gotta use the hand crank.
- Beth: OK, so I left CPR instructions on the counter right next to the number for poison control.
- Jimmy: Poison control? You think I'm gonna poison him?
- Beth: No! But if you do, the number's on the counter.
- Jimmy: You're putting beer in Otis' bottles.
- Carl: Hey, you're the one who named him after the town drunk from Mayberry.
- Jimmy: Dude, you just drank breast milk. That's Beth.
- Kevin: Got Beth?
- Jimmy: Dude, being a dad changes you. I mean, every time I look down at this little guy I realize that he needs me to take care of him. I've never loved anything so much.
- Carl: Wow, sounds like being a dad changes you--into a woman.
- Jimmy: You're better at diapers than me. You get to all the nooks and crannies. The kid's like an English muffin down there.
- Beth: You've seen how tired I am. Sometimes I fall asleep in the middle of a chore.
- Jimmy: Oh, so sex is a chore now?
- Beth: Well you did put it on my to-do list.
- Jimmy: Yeah, and I'm still waitin' for you to do me.
- Jimmy: I think we should consider traditional gender roles. You gather the laundry, dishes, and diapers and I will hunt for bison... and porn on the Internet.
- Beth: We need parent friends. If we had friends with babies, we'd know how they do it.
- Jimmy: Honey, I know how they do it. Same as we did: busted condom.
- Kelly: Were you guys gonna watch the game?
- Jimmy: Yeah, but we can go in the kitchen and eat quiche if you'd like.
- Kelly: Listen, I'm gay but I'm not that gay.
- Kelly: I love Assies! You do know that it's a gay sports bar, right?
- Jimmy: No, really? So the waitresses are...
- Kelly: Waiters.
- Jimmy: And the assies are...
- Kelly: To die for!
- Jimmy: You're still my partner and my best buddy and I-and I'm watching the Broncos with you.
- Carl: What about your new gay friend?
- Jimmy: I'll blow him off. God, I hope this mic isn't on.
- Jimmy: All gay guys are cool.
- Carl: Hey, I thought all Black guys were cool.
- Jimmy: No, not since the '80s. Urkel screwed that up for you.
