Jeff Daniels credited as playing...
Bernard Berkman
- Bernard Berkman: How do you know they were both Frank's?
- Ms. Lemon: Well, I suppose it's possible other kids are masturbating and spreading their semen around the school as well... It's possible, but, uh, somewhat unlikely.
- Bernard Berkman: Oh, it happens, I'm sure, much more than we know.
- Joan Berkman: Bernard, have you ever done anything like this?
- Bernard Berkman: I'm not going to answer that.
- Bernard Berkman: Ivan is fine but he's not a serious guy, he's a philistine.
- Frank Berkman: What's a philistine?
- Bernard Berkman: It's a guy who doesn't care about books and interesting films and things.
- Bernard Berkman: Your mother's brother Ned is also a philistine.
- Frank Berkman: Then I'm a philistine.
- Bernard Berkman: No, you're interested in books and things.
- Bernard Berkman: Joan, let me ask you something. All that work I did at the end of our marriage, making dinners, cleaning up, being more attentive. It never was going to make a difference, was it? You were leaving no matter what...
- Joan Berkman: You never made a dinner.
- Bernard Berkman: I made burgers that time you had pneumonia.
- Bernard Berkman: She's a very risky writer, Lili. Very racy. I mean, exhibiting her cunt in that fashion is very racy. I mean Lili has her influences in post modern literature, it's a bit derivative of Kafka, but for a student, very racy. Did you get that it was her cunt?
- Joan Berkman: You're living with a twenty-year-old.
- Bernard Berkman: It's none of your business, Joan.
- Joan Berkman: It's my business when you have our kids! It's confusing for them. Frank says Walt's in love with her.
- Bernard Berkman: Walt has a girlfriend. Fuck off, Joan. I don't ask about you and Ivan. Stay out of my life. I can't believe you'd talk to me like this. You left all those fucking ticket stubs and letters lying around! You wanted me to know. It was fucking torture, Joan! FUCKING TORTURE!
- Lili: [they kiss] Why did you stop?
- Bernard Berkman: I'm your teacher.
- Lili: You know, I've always wondered what it'd be like to fuck you.
- Bernard Berkman: [Waiting to be taken away in an ambulance after having a heart attack] Degolas.
- Joan Berkman: What?
- Bernard Berkman: It means "bitch." Don't you remember?
- Joan Berkman: You're calling me a bitch?
- Bernard Berkman: No, don't you remember the last line of Godard's "A Bout De Souffle"? Belmondo calls Seberg a bitch. "Degolas." We saw it at the Thalia with the Dicksteins. I got you in for the children's price. You were pregnant with Walt.
- Joan Berkman: Like six weeks.
- Bernard Berkman: I still got you in for a children's ticket. You told me you didn't like Godard. You thought the jump-cuts were -
- [He is loaded into the ambulance]
- Bernard Berkman: I'd check for the cat behind the ashcans, under the Golodners' stoop!
- Joan Berkman: OK.
- Joan Berkman: I'd appreciate it if you didn't... tell him about things like Richard.
- Bernard Berkman: My father told me you called him.
- Joan Berkman: I did, yeah.
- Bernard Berkman: He said you, uh... he said you were upset.
- Joan Berkman: Yeah. I wanted to... I like him. You know that. I just wanted to say - I don't know. I just wanted to say hello.
- Bernard Berkman: He called me right after. He said, "Bernie, I think you can save your marriage." I told him... I didn't think there was anything else I could do. I did try everything.
- [Walks away]
- Joan Berkman: Bye, Bernard.
- Frank Berkman: Mom's dating Ivan.
- Bernard Berkman: Really? Ivan, back there, Ivan?
- Frank Berkman: Yeah.
- Bernard Berkman: Are you sure? Why didn't you say something? Why is your mother dating all these jocks? Very uninteresting men.
- Frank Berkman: Ivan is very interesting.
- Bernard Berkman: Ivan's not a serious possibility for your mother.
- Frank Berkman: I think he is.
- Bernard Berkman: I don't want to badmouth Ivan. But I don't know what Joan is thinking.
- Frank Berkman: I think Ivan...
- Bernard Berkman: Frank.
- Joan Berkman: You're early.
- Bernard Berkman: Hi, Joan.
- Joan Berkman: Don't feed him the generic stuff.
- Bernard Berkman: What?
- Joan Berkman: Frank says you're feeding the cat generic food. Get Purina, it's what he likes.
- Bernard Berkman: It's the same damn thing, Joan.
- Joan Berkman: OK. It's not, but...
- Bernard Berkman: He's my cat, too. Remember when he got stuck in the wall in New Hampshire and I rescued him? I know how to handle him.
- Joan Berkman: It was a radiator.
- Bernard Berkman: What?
- Joan Berkman: He got stuck in a radiator. You trimmed your beard.
- Bernard Berkman: Yeah, it was starting to get a little feral. You look well.
- Joan Berkman: Yeah? Thanks.
- Bernard Berkman: Things are good here. Teaching is going well. And I'm playing the best tennis of my life. Maybe that's an illusion, but... it feels that way.
- Bernard Berkman: Your mum and I, we're going to separate. I've got you tuesday, wednesday and every other thursday.
- Walt Berkman: And what about the cat?
- Joan Berkman: The cat!
- Bernard Berkman: We didn't discuss the cat.
- Bernard Berkman: You'll have to share the bathroom with the boys. They get the upstairs and I have my own.
- Lili: That's all right, as long as Walt remembers to pull the seat down.