David Cross credited as playing...
Tobias Fünke
- Narrator: Tobias listens to a day's worth of his own words, to see what Michael was referring to...
- Tobias Fünke: [on tape] ... even if it means me taking a chubby, I will suck it up.
- Tobias Fünke: Nothing wrong with that.
- Tobias Fünke: [on tape] Oh, I've been in the film business for a while, but I just can't seem to get one in the can.
- Tobias Fünke: It's out of context.
- Tobias Fünke: [on tape] I wouldn't mind kissing that man between the cheeks.
- Narrator: ...and he realized there is something distinct about the way he speaks.
- Tobias Fünke: Tobias, you blowhard.
- [chuckles]
- Tobias Fünke: So what are your plans for this evening?
- Bob Loblaw: I thought that maybe I would stay in and work on my law blog.
- Tobias Fünke: Ah, yes. The "Bob Loblaw Law Blog". You, sir, are a mouthful.
- Tobias Fünke: Okay, Lindsay, are you forgetting that I was a professional twice over - an analyst and a therapist. The world's first analrapist.
- Tobias Fünke: [as Mrs. Featherbottom] O-kay, who'd like a banger in the mouth?
- [laughs]
- Tobias Fünke: Right, I forgot, here in the States, you call it a *sausage* in the mouth.
- Michael: We just call it a sausage.
- Tobias Fünke: Don't leave your uncle T-Bag hanging.
- George Michael Bluth: Please don't call yourself that.
- Transvestite Store Clerk: Are you going to actually buy something this time, or are you just curious?
- Tobias Fünke: Well, let's just say that I'm buy-curious.
- [Tobias discovers that George Sr. has been living in the attic]
- Tobias Fünke: What are you doing up here?
- George Sr.: I'm having a fucking tea party, what does it look like? I live here. You tell anyone, you are DEAD.
- [he shoves Tobias up against the wall with his hand against his mouth]
- George Sr.: Stop licking my hand, you horse's ass.
- Tobias Fünke: No, no, it's pronounced a-nal-ra-pist.
- Buster: It wasn't really the pronunciation that bothered me.
- Tobias Fünke: [while at a western-themed resort] Michael, you are not quite the ladies man I had pictured. Hopefully, we will remedy that when we are in the spa spreading body chocolate on each other.
- Tobias Fünke: [footage of Tobias trying on a Speedo with his cut-offs on] Excuse me, do these effectively hide my thunder?
- [Tobias creating buzz around the water cooler]
- Tobias Fünke: That Funke is some kind of something. Boy, this Funke is all anybody's ever talking about. So sick and tired of hearing about how brilliant that Funke is. Overrated.
- Mae 'Maebe' Funke: [noticing Tobias dressed in all leather] Didnt you get a job or something?
- Tobias Fünke: No, no I didnt. Unless... you consider "World's Coolest Daddy" a job.
- Tobias Fünke: Come on, Lindsay. We've had some great times.
- [a white screen appears with text reading: "Footage not found."]
- [Tobias is trying to impress Maeby by buying some leather]
- Tobias Fünke: I'm looking for something that says "Dad likes leather".
- Salesman: You mean... Leather Daddy?
- Narrator: While on the set of Wrench, Tobias had snuck into the costume closet and disguised himself as an English nanny in an attempt to see his daughter and prove to his wife he had what it took to become a successful actor. It was the exact same plot as Mrs. Doubtfire...
- Tobias Fünke: [after Lindsay answers the door] Why, hellooo. My name is Mrs. Phlyddia Featherbottom, the agency sent me over.
- Lindsay Funke: Uh... I didn't contact any agency.
- Tobias Fünke: But I can cook and clean and even take care of the little ones. In fact, if it comes in handy... I can sing a song or two...
- Narrator: And maybe a little Mary Poppins to throw in the mix...
- Tobias Fünke: A squirt of frosting down the throat helps to take your medication / In the most delicious way...
- Tobias Fünke: I don't do nudity.
- [holding up a pair of cut-off jeans]
- Tobias Fünke: Why do you think I wear these?
- George Michael: I was never really clear on that.
- Tobias Fünke: So fill each one of these bags with some glitter, my photo resume, some candy, and a note.
- Mae 'Maebe' Funke: [reading one of the notes] "I know where you live, ha, ha." Casting directors hate this.
- Narrator: They really do.
- Casting Director: [shows a casting director's office] The glitteratti has struck again.
- [reading the resume]
- Casting Director: Never hire Tobias Funke.
- Carl Weathers: [about Burger King] I'm going to go get a drink refill. You know you can get unlimited refills on any drink you want... and it's free?
- Tobias Fünke: It's a wonderful restaurant.
- Narrator: It sure is.
- Michael: [at Gob's magic show at the Gothic Castle] Where's Tobias?
- Narrator: [voiceover] Tobias had intended to come to the magic show, but had a slight miscommunication with his cab driver.
- Tobias Fünke: [Tobias is wearing a leather outfit he bought to impress Maebe] I would like to go to the Gothic Castle.
- Cab Driver: Gothic asshole?
- Tobias Fünke: Yes.
- [at the wrong Gothic Castle, Tobias sees two people walking out]
- Tobias Fünke: Boy, I am glad I didn't go with that outfit.
- [to the bouncer]
- Tobias Fünke: I am here to see the magic.