Jordan Fry credited as playing...
Mike Teavee
- Mike Teavee: Why is everything here completely pointless?
- Charlie Bucket: Candy doesn't have to have a point. That's why it's candy.
- Mike Teavee: Who wants a beard?
- Willy Wonka: Well, beatniks for one, folk singers, and motorbike riders. Y'know. All those hip, jazzy, super cool, neat, keen, and groovy cats. It's in the fridge, daddy-o! Are you hip to the jive? Can you dig what I'm layin' down? I knew that you could. Slide me some skin, soul brother!
- Mr. Salt: [as the squirrels take Veruca] Where are they taking her?
- Willy Wonka: Where all the other bad nuts go, to the garbage chute.
- Mr. Salt: Where does the chute go?
- Willy Wonka: To the incinerator. But don't worry, we only light it on Tuesdays.
- Mike Teavee: Today *is* Tuesday.
- Willy Wonka: [after a pause] Well, there's always a chance they decided not to light it today.
- Mike Teavee: You don't understand *anything* about science! First off, there's a difference between waves and particles! DUH! Second, the amount of power it would take to convert energy into matter would be like nine atomic bombs!
- Willy Wonka: MUMBLER! Seriously, I can't understand a word you're saying!
- Mike Teavee: In the end, I only had to buy one candy bar.
- Denver Reporter: And how did it taste?
- Mike Teavee: I don't know. I hate chocolate.
- Grandpa George: Well, it's a good thing you're going to a chocolate factory, you ungrateful little bu-
- [Mr. Bucket claps his hands over Charlie's ears so he can't hear what's being said]
- Willy Wonka: You're all quite short, aren't you?
- Violet Beauregarde: Well yeah, we're children.
- Willy Wonka: Well that's no excuse. I was never as short as you.
- Mike Teavee: You were once.
- Willy Wonka: Was not. Know why? Because I distinctly remember putting a hat on top of my head. Look at your short little arms. You could never reach.
- Veruca Salt: Will Violet always be a blueberry?
- Willy Wonka: No. Maybe. I dunno. But that's what you get from chewing gum all day, it's just disgusting.
- Mike Teavee: If you hate gum so much, why do you make it?
- Willy Wonka: Once again you really shouldn't mumble, 'cause it's kinda starting to bum me out.
- Willy Wonka: [coming upon a tiny door] An important room, this. After all, it is a chocolate factory.
- Mike Teavee: Then, why is the door so small?
- Willy Wonka: That's to keep all the great big chocolatey flavor inside.
- [Mike starts stomping on a candy pumpkin, completely destroying it]
- Mr. Teavee: Son, please.
- Mike Teavee: Dad, he said, "Enjoy!"
- Mike Teavee: [seeing the Oompa-Loompas for the first time] Are they real people?
- Willy Wonka: Of course they're real people. They're Oompa Loompas.
- Mr. Salt: Oompa Loompas?
- Willy Wonka: Imported. Direct from Loompaland.
- Mr. Teavee: There's no such place.
- Willy Wonka: What?
- Mr. Teavee: Mr. Wonka, I teach high school geography, and I'm here to tell you...
- Willy Wonka: Well, then, you'll know all about it and, oh, what a terrible country it is.
- Mike Teavee: Just put me back in the other way.
- Willy Wonka: There is no other way. It's television, not telephone. There's quite a difference.
- Mr. Teavee: [has just seen chocolate transported by television] So, can you send other things? Say, like, breakfast cereal?
- Willy Wonka: Do you have any idea what breakfast cereal's made of? It's those little curly wooden shavings you find in pencil sharpeners.
- Charlie Bucket: But could you send it by television if you wanted to?
- Willy Wonka: Course I could.
- Mike Teavee: What about people?
- Willy Wonka: Well, why would I wanna send a person? They don't taste very good at all.
- Mike Teavee: A retard could figure it out.
- Mr. Teavee: Most of the time, I don't know what he's talking about. I mean, kids these days, what with all the technology...
- Mike Teavee: [blasting enemies in a video game] Die! Die! Die!
- Mr. Teavee: Doesn't seem like they stay kids very long.
- Charlie Bucket: Mr. Wonka? Why would Augustus' name already be in the Oompa-Loompa song, unless - ?
- Willy Wonka: Improvisation is a parlor trick. Anyone can do it.
- [Turns to look at Violet]
- Willy Wonka: You, little girl. Say something. Anything.
- Violet Beauregarde: Chewing gum.
- Willy Wonka: Chewing gum is really gross. Chewing gum, I hate the most. See? Exactly the same.
- Mike Teavee: No, it isn't.
- Willy Wonka: [Pretends not to hear] Uh, you really shouldn't mumble. Because I can't hear a word you're saying. Now, on with the tour.
- [Starts walking and everyone else follows]
- [the gum machine spits out a single piece of gum]
- Mike Teavee: You mean that's it?
- Willy Wonka: Do you even know what *it* is?