Téa Leoni credited as playing...
Jane Harper
- Dick Harper: [after watching the news saying he is going to be indicted] Indicted?
- Jane Harper: That's not fair! They made you go on that show.
- Dick Harper: Did you hear what they said, Jane? I'm gonna be indicted.
- Jane Harper: Yeah, but you only said what they told you...
- Dick Harper: Indicted, Jane! Indicted! I'm gonna be indicted!
- Jane Harper: No, it's gonna be okay.
- Dick Harper: INDICTED!
- Jane Harper: Honey, Dick...
- Dick Harper: INDICTED!
- Jane Harper: Honey...
- Dick Harper: [runs out of the room] I'M GONNA BE INDICTED!
- Jane Harper: Hold it, they can't. It's gonna be okay, just calm down.
- Dick Harper: [runs back into the room] I can't calm down, I'm gonna be indicted!
- Dick Harper: [holding McCallister at gunpoint] I've been terminated, bankrupted, deported and blackmailed because of you, and I'm not leaving here without your money.
- Jack McCallister: What are you gonna do, Dick? Shoot me if I don't approve that form?
- Dick Harper: Write me a check.
- Jack McCallister: You are kidding me.
- Jane Harper: Dick, it's not going to do us any good. He's just going to cancel it the minute we walk out of here.
- Dick Harper: [eyes watering, getting emotional] I don't care... I don't care. I'm not walking out of this bank empty-handed.
- Jack McCallister: ...Alright. Alright, Dick, I'm gonna write you a check. I'm gonna need my hand back though.
- Dick Harper: Gladly.
- [releases grip]
- Jack McCallister: Alright, yes sir, I'm gonna write you that check, and what's more I'm not gonna cancel it as soon as I leave the bank because I think it takes alotta cojones to do what you two have done here today, and I admire that. So, here you go. Just a little something to show you what I think you're worth.
- [hands him a check for $100]
- Jack McCallister: Y'all take care now.
- [McCallister leaves; Jane approaches a dejected Dick tenderly]
- Jane Harper: Honey... sweetie... give me the squirt gun.
- Dick Harper: [not looking at her] Do you still have McCallister's form?
- Jane Harper: Yeah, why?
- [Dick looks up at her holding McCallister's check]
- Dick Harper: Because I just got his signature.
- [He holds up a fountain pen]
- Dick Harper: Weren't you an art major?
- [Jane realizes that, just like McCallister, she's been had by Dick]
- Jane Harper: [quietly excited] Dick Harper! I was completely fooled! I didn't know you could act!
- Dick Harper: Hon. In 10th grade, I played Biff in "Death of a Salesman". See how I got my eyes all watering up? Yes, sir. It's all right there.
- Dick Harper: [sees Jane's swollen face] Aah! Holy hell!
- Jane Harper: I did this little cosmetics test, and I had a little reaction... is it really that bad?
- Dick Harper: No, it's not so bad. It's just... different.
- Day Laborer: Hey Dick, can we talk about these some other time?
- Jane Harper: [sees her lawn getting repossessed] Hector, what's going on? What, what happened?
- Hector: Your check go bouncy-bounce. But it's okay, I heard what happened to your husband. Not everybody can afford landscaping like this.
- Jane Harper: Hector, please!
- Hector: I am sorry, Miss Jane.
- Jane Harper: [sees her neighbor] Oh, no. No, no, no, no, NO! This is all- everything is all WRONG! I want this out. Roll it all up! I ordered Kentucky Bluegrass! This! Is! GREEN!
- Dick Harper: We're all just cavemen, Trying to protect our little patch of land. Well now I've got a club, and I'm gonna take what I need.
- Jane Harper: Maybe you should steal some Prozac
- Jane Harper: [posing as a Jeet Kun Do instructor] My name is Jane and I'll be your instructor here today for beginners' Jee Kum Pow.
- [brainstorming ways to come up with money]
- Dick Harper: Well... there's always prostitution.
- Jane Harper: Dick!
- Dick Harper: I mean me.