Amy Sedaris credited as playing...
Jerri Blank
- Jerri Blank: Faggot.
- Chuck Noblet: What did you say?
- Jerri Blank: What did you hear?
- Chuck Noblet: I'd rather not repeat it.
- Jerri Blank: Well, then, I guess we'll never know.
- Jerri Blank: But my daddy's in a coma!
- Chuck Noblet: Go tell the grief counselor. She's supposed to care.
- Megawatti Sacarnaput: Are you thinking about entering the science fair?
- Jerri Blank: I'm thinkin' about pussy. The science fair's for queers.
- Jerri Blank: It's like the time you set that boat on fire and watched those Haitians panic. Oh wait, that was me... The point is, you're a racist.
- Jerri Blank: I'm just having some cruel fun at your expense! Jeez, I thought you people had thicker skins than that. You know, fighting those tigers in the jungle and all.
- [pauses]
- Jerri Blank: Why doesn't anybody like me?
- Jerri Blank: Hello, I'm Jerri Blank and - and I'm an alcoholic. I'm also addicted to amphetamines as well as main line narcotics. Some people say I have a sex addiction, but I think all those years of prostitution was just a means to feed my ravenous hunger for heroin. It's kinda like the chicken or the nugget. The point is, I'm addicted to gambling. Thank you.
- [meekly]
- Jerri Blank: Oh, and... my daddy's in a coma.
- Sara Blank: How was school today, Derrick?
- Derrick Blank: The coach made me co-captain of the junior varsity squat thrust team!
- Jerri Blank: Way to go, faglick.
- Sara Blank: Jerri, language!
- Derrick Blank: I'll have you know, stump, that the varsity squat thrust team took third in all conference.
- Jerri Blank: And how does that make you not gay?
- Derrick Blank: What are you talking about, troll? We squat together, we spot each other on the workout mat, and we play grab-ass in the showers. How is that gay?
- Jerri Blank: I'm Jerri Blank and my daddy's in a coma.
- Grief Counselor Peggy Callas: You know what, Jerri? I wish my daddy was in a coma. He's dead, Jerri. He was executed for war crimes, but for insurance purposes, we say he was eaten by wolves. Anyway, my point is, Jerri, somebody's always got it worse.
- Brason: Monica's having a party do you want to be my date?
- Jerri Blank: I want your spermies!
- Brason: I'll take that as a yes.
- Jerri Blank: Faggot.
- Chuck Noblet: What did you say?
- Jerri Blank: What did you hear?
- Chuck Noblet: I'd rather not repeat it.
- Jerri Blank: Then I guess we'll never know.
- Geoffrey Jellineck: You look lost. Its okay, you can talk to me. I'm the art teacher. I may be an authority figure, but I have the mind of a child.
- Jerri Blank: Well, today's my first day back at school and I'm a little nervous.
- Geoffrey Jellineck: There's no reason to be nervous. Just remember, the first day of school is the most important day of your whole life. If it doesn't go right, there's no way to get it back. *No way.*
- Jerri Blank: Are you the grief counselor?
- Grief Counselor Peggy Callas: Oh, god, it never ends. Have a seat. I should tell you up front, each student gets ten minutes, that last student took fifteen, so you get five.
- Jerri Blank: Well, that's not fair!
- Grief Counselor Peggy Callas: Take it up with Les. He's the one that's frigid.
- Jerri Blank: I can't leave you! You were all like family to me!... well, the white ones at least. The rest of you were more like loyal house servants.
- Jerri Blank: [Jerri is narrating, film's title appears onscreen] Stranglers... with...
- [title disappears]
- Jerri Blank: Hmm. I guess we'll never know.
- Jerri Blank: You're such a poo-hole, Derrick.
- Derrick Blank: You're a fat goblin!
- Sara Blank: Derrick...
- Derrick Blank: Well, she is!
- Sara Blank: I KNOW, Derrick. I have eyes.