Niecy Nash credited as playing...
Deputy Raineesha Williams • T.T.
- Deputy Williams: [Williams is telling the DA who has been using the n word] Dangle, Junior, Wiegel... even Garcia. And you know who surprised me the most? Dangle! I mean, he a fag! And he calling everybody a nigger!
- Deputy Clementine Johnson: [after a suspect drives off with a police car] We are screwed! We are screwed!
- Deputy Williams: We gonna say he tried to rape us. We gonna lie, we gonna say he tried to rape us. He attacked us.
- Deputy Clementine Johnson: He took it out.
- Deputy Williams: He tried to...
- [looks at the camera]
- Deputy Williams: Give us the tape.
- Deputy Clementine Johnson: Hand over the tape.
- [the cameraman runs away]
- Deputy Williams: Give us that tape!
- Deputy Clementine Johnson: I will cut you!
- Deputy Williams: [in the locker room] The women on the force, have to get alone. I mean, we're the minorities. We got to stick together, sisterhood, girl power, all that jazz.
- Deputy Trudy Wiegel: [to the camera] Rainesha Williams... is a loudmouth, backstabbing... Jew. I wanna say Jew, but I think she's in fact very openly Catholic, which I have a problem with, too.
- Deputy Clementine Johnson: [in the locker room] I had a saying before I came to work here that feminism is bullshit. But I feel a sisterhood with these special, special people.
- Deputy Trudy Wiegel: [to the camera] Officer Johnson... is a whore.
- Deputy Williams: I am planning a bachlorette party for you.
- Deputy Clementine Johnson: Strippers.
- Deputy Williams: You have a preference? Black, white?
- Deputy Clementine Johnson: I like them all. I like black, I like white... I like black. Just don't get me any Pacific Islanders. I don't "get" them.
- Reverend Gigg LeCarp: Okay, Officer Garcia. God has asked me to speak to you because you are lost. You are lost.
- Deputy Williams: He is evil.
- Reverend Gigg LeCarp: We're hearing it even from the choir! You are lost and evil.
- Deputy Clementine Johnson: And he's a loser!
- Reverend Gigg LeCarp: You are lost, evil, and a loser. Come on, everyone, what are thing that we just don't like about Officer Garcia?
- Deputy Trudy Wiegel: He's a Mexican!
- Reverend Gigg LeCarp: [the gang are all in a cell, and Rev LeCarp is yelling at Garcia for beating him 10 years ago] You motherfucker! You cocksucker! You kicked the shit out of me!
- [Points to his false teeth]
- Reverend Gigg LeCarp: Look at these teeth! Look at it! Aw, fuck you! Fucking rot in hell, cocksucker!
- [He goes out of the cell and locks it]
- Reverend Gigg LeCarp: What are you gonna do now, Garica, huh?
- [Leaves]
- Reverend Gigg LeCarp: Payback's a bitch! You kicked the shit out of me!
- Lt. Jim Dangle: [Trying to open the door] The door's locked.
- Deputy Trudy Wiegel: We're probably in a, in a commercial break.
- Deputy Travis Junior: He's flipping us the bird outside right now.
- [LeCarp does flip everyone off as he runs away]
- Lt. Jim Dangle: When's the new jailer getting here?
- Deputy Travis Junior: Tuesday. Three day weekend.
- Lt. Jim Dangle: Aw... we had to do this on a Friday.
- Deputy Trudy Wiegel: I got even worse news for everyone, I have to take a Number Two.
- [Everyone yells in protest]
- Deputy Williams: You gonna hold it in like the rest of us!
- Lt. Jim Dangle: Number One's only! Number One's only!
- [Jones and Dangle are playing a Halloween prank where Jones pretends to be dead. As Jones lies on a slab, all the others except for Wiegel are mourning him]
- Deputy James Garcia: Jones... I'm gonna miss you Jones. I'm gonna miss you man.
- [Jones jumps up and scares everyone. He and Dangle laugh while everyone else yells in surprise and anger]
- Deputy James Garcia: That is not funny! That is not funny! You son of a bitch, Goddammit!
- Deputy Williams: I cannot believe that you did this!
- Deputy Clementine Johnson: Shh, Wiegel's coming, Wiegel's coming!
- Deputy James Garcia: [pause] Let's do it again!
- Deputy S. Jones: [everyone other than Jones appears to be dead in a shootout] Guys... guys?
- Kenny Rogers: [waking up in his bed] Oh! Oh God!
- Lt. Jim Dangle: [waking up next to Rogers] Whoa! Are you Kenny Rogers?
- Kenny Rogers: Yeah.
- Lt. Jim Dangle: Are you dreaming this or am I dreaming this?
- Kenny Rogers: [slaps Dangle] Did that hurt?
- Lt. Jim Dangle: Not really.
- Kenny Rogers: Oh God, oh God.
- Deputy James Garcia: [waking up in the office] Whoa!
- Deputy S. Jones: Were you having that gayass Kenny Rogers dream again?
- Deputy James Garcia: What Kenny Rogers dream?
- Deputy Williams: The one you have all the time!
- Deputy James Garcia: I don't dream about Kenny Rogers... I don't know what the hell you're...
- Deputy S. Jones: [gently] Jimmy... get some help.
- Deputy S. Jones: [points to himself and Deputy Williams] Why are we on this side of the table and everyone us else over there?
- Lt. Jim Dangle: CPT
- Deputy Travis Junior: CPT
- Deputy S. Jones: What?
- Deputy Williams: What? Excuse me? What's CPT?
- Deputy Travis Junior: CPT - Colored People Time. We're the first one's here and take these seats.
- Lt. Jim Dangle: Colored People Time, everyone knows what that means.
- Deputy Williams: What?
- Lt. Jim Dangle: I'm sorry, that was wrong of me to say. I thought you've heard of that before. It's easy to say and it just, it just came out - CPT.
- Deputy S. Jones: Well, I'm sorry. I'm sorry for being colored and for being a person and for being on my time.
- Deputy Travis Junior: Apology accepted, Jones.
- Deputy Williams: Let him that hath known himself unto thine truth walk therein. Huh. That's in the Bible.
- Deputy Clementine Johnson: You caught me. I work in a rat fuck. So I don't care. Go blab it all over the whole fucking station.
- Deputy Clementine Johnson: Why do you do this?
- Deputy Clementine Johnson: Because I need the money.
- Deputy Williams: How much do you pull in a night?
- Deputy Clementine Johnson: I walk away with about $300 a night, $500 if there's a convention.
- Deputy Clementine Johnson, Deputy Williams: [while pouring tequila down a guy's throat] Ay-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yiiiiiiii!
- Mike Powers: Officer Williams, would you mind removing your hat please?
- Deputy Williams: I keep a Kleenex under there because it sticks to my forehead.
- Deputy James Garcia: I cannot believe that we don't have nothin' in common.
- Deputy James Garcia: Well, believe it because I'm smart and you're not.
- Deputy Williams: You owe Rainessha an apology.
- Deputy James Garcia: I hate people who talk about themselves in the third person, you're right here why do you have to talk about yourself like that? To remind yourself you're alive?