Expensive Kisses

This short film stars Bert Roach...an actor who appeared in 327 films...many of them silents.

It begins at the dock and Bert's now ex-wife is about to leave for Paris thanks to a big alimony settlement. Bert is frustrated at all the money he's lost to various women and makes a bizarro bet with his lawyer friend. He promises to give $1000 to charity each time he kisses a woman, $10,000 if they become engaged and $100,000 if he marries! Almost instantly, Bert begins racking up donations thank to a premise that is utterly ridiculous. A group of women are waiting in his apartment and they have supposedly been willed to him by his uncle who lived in Turkey. Soon, not only has Bert become engaged, but his lawyer tries to get engaged to the same woman! And, to guarantee he gets her, Bert marries her. What is the punchline to all this? See the film.

You really do need to suspend disbelief to enjoy this one, though the ending does make it a bit easier to believe...just a bit. Not a bad short but a ludicrous one!

Bert Roach has just divorced his latest wife, and that's another half million dollars down the drain. He bets Ernest Woods that he can keep away from women: $1,000 a kiss, $5,000 if he gets engaged, and $10,000 married, all payable to the orphans. When they get to Roach's home, they discover that his uncle in Turkey has died and left him his harem, all of whom lack daddies.

It's a pretty good comedy directed by shorts specialist William Watson for Al Christie, who was now releasing through Educational Pictures. The coming of sound had cut down on the number of independent comedy shorts, and although the arrangement would continue through 1938, when Educational would be folded into 20 Century-Fox, the new comedy stars would be more about talk and less about visuals.

This short sounds as if it had been filmed underwater. I (and I am certain that YOU) find it an antiquated, deplorable mess. I don't know what it is even about. Regretfully, I don't WANT to know what it's about. The dialogue sounds so garbled, so muddled, so unintelligible, and furthermore ridiculous, that one is not even tempted to read a transcript of this short to understand what it's all about. I feel bad for its creators, who were perhaps well-intentioned in bringing it to fruition. It didn't exactly have the best sound system in the whole world, the way Warner Brothers once had it, and even THEIR system wasn't what I would deem to have been state-of-the-art. This was the beginning of the depression years after all, and cost-cutting measures being implemented are surely to be anticipated. There is one true saving grace in this creaky, rickety, unenjoyable short, and it involves a scene that takes place in a nightclub. Sitting behind our hero is perhaps the finest-looking brunette you will ever see in ANY film, long or short, B&W or color, casually smoking, and imbibing the convivial atmosphere. She's the reason I rate this crazy thing a 10/10. For no other reason do I select this rating. Another highlight that deserves mention is when one of the showgirls on the dance floor shouts, "STOP! Get hot!," which makes this almost unbearable mess worth the candle. Yes, there is kissing in it, but it truly looks FAR from expensive. I honestly believe that not much of an expense was paid to make it look, sound, or feel watchable on any level, but that's just one person's opinion. Perhaps you may feel differently. If you're into listening to a soundtrack that sounds as if it has been submerged, then I implore you look no further. Truth be told, I'm glad it exists. With all it's obvious flaws, and unbelievably noticeable imperfections, I'm glad it exists. In fact, I am OVERJOYED it exists. It remains at its worst a startling catastrophe, but at its best a keepsake of a bygone era where booze was illegal, sex was taboo, and men wore suits and hats, regardless of the quality of the pictures they appeared in. I am indeed astounded.