Near Death

I can't remember the last time I hated a movie 50 seconds in. This appears to be footage that was shot for a backdrop to a video game which must have never been developed so the owner's decided to release it as a film. I don't know if comparing it to a student film disses the film enough. It's pacing is softcore porn without the interesting dialogue...or porn. The only thing diabolical about this film is that it was ever swept up off the video editing suite's hard drive to see the light of day. Horrible...and not in a good way.

This lame-ass excuse of a zombie flick was even poor by turkey B-movie standards. Myself being a B-movie enthusiast, I've seen some 'grade A' B-movies in the past couple of years implying that a low budget + remarkable creativity + insightful directing can lead to an impressive finished product. Overall this movie gave me the impression that a bunch of undergraduate students majoring in film studies decided to reap up some cash and come up with this ingenious, deplorable piece of craptastic art called 'Near Death'. It's the agonizing pain that you will experience through your veins as you sit through this whole movie.

I would definitely watch this movie a second time...if I was strapped to a chair, with my eyelids stapled open and receiving a naked lap dance from Rosie O'Donell, hence forcing me to tilt my head sideways towards the T.V. In other words, AVOID AT ALL COSTS. Enough said.

By the way, if you DO get a chance to watch this movie (maybe flipping thru the channels during the graveyard shift and happen to stumble upon upon it on Mystery Science Theater 3000) watch how the lead practically shouts every line off a TelePrompter, overacting every scene - as if this movie is supposed to be the pivotal point in her fictitious acting career.

Near Death has all the elements of a straight-to-video movie: Hot guys, hot girls, lots of blood, good visuals, and plenty of scares. The actors are great, except there is one girl who is so bad that she sounds like a robot when she talks. It starts with these kids in a car out on the highway looking for a haunted mansion. They have a map and they argue a lot. When they finally find the place, they have an encounter with a team of ghosts. One of the girls falls in love with a ghost and is turned to the dark side. A bunch of people get butchered, and the two leads end up taking a shower together....hot!! The ghosts have to fight for their own survival, and you find out the secret of the movie, which is actually pretty trippy. I watched it again this morning.

Three parapsychologists investigate an apparently haunted mansion, once the home of an infamous film director. It is now inhabited by flesh eating undead ghouls. Released in the UK by Film2000, a label notorious for very bad movies, the DVD cover laughably describes this as a "classic horror film", boasting "state of the art special effects", Really??? Could not be further from the truth. Some, well most, of the acting is really bad, in particular Perrine Moore, who unfortunately plays a dual role. The effects, especially the CGI, are poor. As is the sound at times. There are plenty of potholes. I have rather generously rated this 3/10, and that is purely down to the fact that there is quite a lot of gore on show. The only thing worth the pain of sitting through this horrible excuse of a movie.

And I have no friends because I watch crappy movies like this. Come on people, this movie is awesome! The opening scene is classic. Sure, the special effects in this movie are bad, but the gore is still pretty damn good. Lots of blood, gut-eating, although the plot is very weak and the acting is pretty bad. This is a huge HUGE improvement over Terror Toons (2002). Even though I liked Terror Toons, that is an awful, awful film. This one is slightly better. The acting is a little better, and the gore is a lot better. This is pretty watchable. I also got this for free, and it is worth free. If you like low budget movies with decent gore, bad acting, bad CGI effects, dumb plots, and one hottie who never gets naked, you will probably find Near Death a stunning and fun experience. Check it out, only 3 bucks in many stores.