Ashton Kutcher credited as playing...
Simon Green
- Simon Green: That's just it, she's everything I'm not. You know, she's my other half. Without her I'm not whole. You know the thing about meeting your other half is you're walking around, you think you're happy, you think you're whole, then you realize you ain't shit without her. Then you can't go back to being just a half 'cause you know what it's like to be whole.
- Percy: If you're gonna marry one of these women, sometimes it's gonna hurt like hell. And all you can do is admit that you're wrong and know that she's always right.
- Simon Green: She's right?
- Percy: That's right.
- Simon Green: Always?
- Percy: Right.
- Simon Green: Right.
- Percy: That's right.
- Simon Green: All right okay, what about all that talk about my dignity?
- Percy: Do you love her? Do you want her? Then she's always right.
- Theresa: I was just showing Simon around the house.
- Simon Green: You have a very nice house, Mrs. Jones.
- Marilyn: Thank you, Simon. You can call me Marilyn.
- Simon Green: You too, Mr. Jones.
- Percy: Thank you, Simon. You can call me Mr. Jones.
- [Marilyn gives him a dirty look]
- Percy: Just kidding.
- Simon Green: [on the phone, leaving a message] Babe, you're acting like I have cheated on you, and I have never cheated on you. Except for that one time, with myself, and you caught me.
- Simon Green: You know, if Theresa had told me you guys were black it really could have saved us an awkward situation.
- Percy: Hi. Reservation for Percy Jones.
- Polly: And that's Jones with a "J"?
- Percy: No, Jones with a "P". I made the reservation last week.
- Simon Green: You knew you were gonna kick me out a week ago?
- Percy: Son, I knew I was gonna kick you out 24 years ago... when the doctor announced it was a girl.
- Polly: Here you are.
- Percy: Good.
- Polly: We gave your room away.
- Percy: What?
- Polly: Check in was at 4:00.
- Percy: It's Thursday night. I'm quite sure you've got another room available.
- Polly: I'm sorry. We're completely booked, and so is everyone else. There's a Shriners convention in town, actually. May help you with anything else Mr. Pjones?
- Simon Green: [after telling black joke and family laughing] What are three things a black guy can't get? A black eye, a fat lip and a job.
- [laughing stops]
- Howard Jones: I tell ya I'm gonna kick that boy's ass!
- Simon Green: Why can't black people listen to country music?
- Keisha Jones: Why?
- Simon Green: Because every time they say "hoe-down" they think their sister got shot!
- Simon Green: [to Theresa] I wanna see your sexy body go BUMP, BUMP, BUMP!
- Kimbra: Did he just say bump, bump, bump?
- Naomi: Yes, he did, and it's Percy Jones' fault!
- Theresa: Are you getting cold feet, Simon?
- Simon Green: No. No, I'm not getting cold feet. I can't wait to marry you... and make babies with you. Give me a daughter who looks just like you.
- Theresa: [sighing the words] oh, wow.
- Simon Green: Did you tell him that I'm white?
- Theresa Jones: You're white? You're white! Stop the car!
- [the Cab Driver stops the car and Simon hits his head on the seat and is in pain]
- Theresa Jones: Simon, are you ok? It was a joke, sir. It was a joke.
- The Cab Driver: Yeah, sister, you are funny.
- Simon Green: Listen, I need you to get me with that nano-tech guy.
- Jerry MacNamara: [laughs] That's 50 grand! Did you inherit a boatload or something?