Quotes

Bo' Selecta!

Avid Merrion: Hello to you. My name is Avid Merrion. I am number one celabrity superfan here in the world. This is my programme, I hope you like it, it is warm.

Reporter: So, David what's the latest on your transfer?
David Beckham: It's not a transfer! It's a real tattoo and it says, "My Name is David"! Huh-huh!

Craig David: Ya wot, Kes? Don't call her that, Kes! She's not a slag, she's me mum!

Kelly Osbourne: [on Christina Aguilera] She's one of the most disgusting people in the world! Sure, she had an amazing voice, but that doesn't change the fact she's a total
[bleep]
Kelly Osbourne: ! I mean she looks like a
[bleeping]
Kelly Osbourne: drag queen! Right dad?
Ozzy Osbourne: You're all
[bleeping]
Ozzy Osbourne: mad!
Kelly Osbourne: Not me, I'm just slightly overweight.
Ozzy Osbourne: [mutters] Fat bitch.

David Blaine: As a kid I would spend many hours in my bedroom jerking off to pictures of beautiful women. Now I can make actual beautiful women appear in my bedroom by using the magic. Shazam!

Craig David: Channel 55 and a box of tissues, that's what I use for my sexual issues.

Gandalf the White: Thou shall not pass! Unless you can do a handstand for your grandfather!

Marilyn Manson: This is the living room, where I like to relax and sometimes stick my penis between my legs and pretend I'm a lady.

Ant Man: I canny help it man, the blood rush round me head keep me pantin' all the time... weyhey man, I'm Ant Man.
Dec Pet: An I'm Dec Pet, and this is the part of the show where we don't know what's gonay happen.
Ant Man: So as always, lets take out our earpieces.
Dec Pet: And lets turn off the autocue, howay gi' us the card. This week, Ant Man will be doin, or no pet someone doesn' like you!
Ant Man: Why's it always me man!
Dec Pet: Howay, don't be such a bairn, Join us afta the break to find oot what he'll be doin!... Weyhey that was a long one, alreet pet, this week, Ant Man will be getting' bummed by a special mystery guest, I go gan see if their ready
Dec Pet: Alreet pet, this weeks guest, all the way from Byker Groove, it's me Declan Donnelly! I canny believe it man, I've been wanin' to do this since SMTV, he gives me a reet Wonkey Donkey, and no, I won't be usin' an implement, I'll be usin' me manhood, I haveney bummed him before but like me father said when I were a bairn, there's a first time for everything, so lets get crackin' with the knackin'!
Dec Pet: Ooh, howay son. I donay need no butta, this is goin' straight in. This is better than Cat Deeley man, smile ya bastad, smile!

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