Craig Bierko credited as playing...
Mac
- Mac: [as he and Lydia are being arrested] Come on, come on, what's it gonna take, huh? Come on, come on, let's make a deal, I- I...
- Lydia: [screaming at Mac] Shut up!
- Mac: You shut up!
- Policeman #3: Just get in there.
- Mac: [to the police officer] I'll sing like a canary. You know, you name 'em, I'll blame 'em.
- Policeman #3: I don't care.
- Teddy: It's ironic, isn't it? Here I am, the so-called "lucky one" who got adopted, and yet I never could find the one thing that you three have always had. You know, you're happy with yourselves, and with each other. That's a real blessing. So what can I do to pay you guys back for saving my life?
- Lydia: Funny you should ask: Can you give us 830,000 bucks to save the orphanage?
- Teddy: Uh... no.
- [the Stooges gasp in shock]
- Teddy: That guy that adopted me, he shipped me off to military school when I was seven. And he just... he just tried to murder me, and run off with my wife, and- and you expect me to just give money to the women who handed me over to that monster? I'm sorry, guys, I'd do anything for those kids and- and you guys, but... I can't do that, uh... sorry.
- Policeman #3: Excuse me, Mr. Harter? Could you come over here and give us a statement? Right this way.
- Moe: [Moe slaps Larry] "Donut remover."
- Lydia: My husband is suffering from an incurable disease that eventually will kill him.
- Mac: Unfortunately, it could take a year, possibly more. The pain increasing daily till I lapse into an irreversible coma.
- Curly: I had that. Only it was just in my feet. Yeah. It's called coma toes.
- [Curly and Larry laugh]
- Moe: [mock laughing] Oh, coma toes, huh?
- Curly: Yeah.
- [Moe stomps on Curly's foot]
- Moe: Are they awake now?
- Mac: [furiously - while trapped in car submerged in water] Great! Great! How could this possibly get any worse?
- Moe: [passes gas, everybody groans in disgust] I'm sorry! I guess the pesto-bismol didn't help with the lobster.
- Moe: [grabs Curly by the ears and says furiously] Did you eat the shells again?
- Curly: I don't know! It was on the plate and then it wasn't!
- Mac: Ohh!
- Lydia: My husband is suffering from an incurable disease that eventually will kill him.
- Mac: Unfortunately, it could take a year, possibly more, pain increasing daily until I lapse into an irreversible coma.
- Curly: I had that, only it was just in my feet, yeah. It's called coma-toes.
- [Larry and Curly laugh]
- Moe: [Moe laughs sarcastically] Oh, coma-toes, huh?
- Curly: Yeah.
- Curly: [Moe stomps on Curly's toes] Ohh!
- Moe: Are they awake now?
- [Curly growls]
- Mac: Gentlemen.
- [the Stooges look behind them, unaware that Mac is referring to them]
- Mac: [losing patience] Gentlemen!
- Curly, Moe, Larry: Oh.
- Mac: I'm sure you can understand why I... prefer to leave this world on my own terms, rather than spend the rest of my life a vegetable.
- Moe: I don't know, it sounds illegal.
- Larry: Wait a minute, legs. Did you say $830,000 bucks?
- Lydia: I did.
- Larry: [Larry whistles Whew] That's a good day's pay.
- Curly: Hey, wait a minute, fellas. That's exactly the amount of money we' re looking for.
- Moe: You're right. This must be fate, time-bomb. You can count us in!
- Mac: [the Stooges shake Mac's hand] Ah, that's swell.
- Moe: [in Teddy's bedroom] Teddy! Teddy, Teddy, Teddy, what's the matter? Come on boy, speak to me.
- Teddy: [barely awake] Who are you?
- Moe: It's us, it's Moe...
- Larry: Larry...
- Curly: And Curly.
- Teddy: [Teddy is still half-awake] Guys, what are you doing here?
- Moe: All right buddy, we got you now.
- Moe, Curly, Larry: [Lydia and Mac enter Teddy's bedroom] Nyah-ah-aah!
- Teddy: [drowsily] Oh, honey, thanks so much for inviting the boys behind my back.
- Moe: That ain't the only thing she's doing behind your back.
- Curly: Yeah, she wanted us to smother you in your sleep.
- Larry: And now it looks like she slipped you some knockout juice.
- Teddy: [still drowsy] Lydia, what are they talking about?
- Lydia: [feigning innocence] Honey, I am as confused as you are. All I know is that these men crashed our party, and when we tried to remove them, they start acting crazy.
- Moe: Teddy, you've known us since you were a baby. Why, we were the ones who taught you how to play with matches. We treated you like a little brother. Why would we lie to you now?
- Teddy: [still drowsy] Wait, Lydia, why am I still in bed if- if the party's going on?
- Mac: [Lydia looks at Mac while trying to come up with an answer] I'll tell you why.
- Teddy: [Mac reveals his left hand, which has a gun in it] Oh, Mac.
- Moe, Curly, Larry: Nyah-ah-aah!
- Mr. Harter: [Mr. Harter enters the room, with a gun in his right hand] Don't even think about it, Mac.
- Mr. Harter: [the Stooges sigh and chuckle with relief] Real slow, now. Drop it to the floor.
- Mac: Not a problem.
- [Mac slowly puts the gun on the floor]
- Teddy: Good work, Dad. You know, I had a feeling something was going on, but you, Mac? I mean, you were my best pal. Why would you do that?
- Mac: It wasn't my idea; she was calling the shots, I swear.
- Mr. Harter: No, Mac, I was calling the shots.
- [Lydia walks up next to Mr. Harter, and kisses him, indicating Mr. Harter's and Lydia's treacherous partnership to get rid of Teddy]
- Curly: Oh, oh look Moe, I think we got a customer!
- [the theme from "Perry Mason" plays in the background]
- Larry: Whoa, would you look at those getaway sticks!
- Curly: Rowf, rowf, rowf!
- [Curly pants like a dog]
- Moe: Spread out!
- Moe: [Lydia approaches] I'm the foreman here, what can we do for you?
- Lydia: I'll pay you $830,000 for a job that won't take you more than 10 minutes.
- Curly: Oh, we'll take it. Who do we have to murder?
- Lydia: [the Stooges chuckle] My husband.
- Larry, Curly, Moe: Nyah-aah-aah!
- [Curly's teeth chatter nervously]
- Moe: Sorry lady, you came to the wrong place; we're working stiffs, not common crooks!
- Lydia: But you don't understand, you will be doing him a great service.
- Larry: Says who?
- Mac: [Mac gets out of the car] Says me.
- Moe: Who are you?
- Mac: I'm her husband.
- [Mac kisses Lydia]
- Larry: Wait a minute, you mean to tell me she's planning your funeral, and you're okay with it?
- Mac: Well, I know it all sounds a bit peculiar...
- Curly: No no no, that doesn't sound peculiar, this sounds peculiar.
- [Curly puts his hands to his head and shakes it around, chuckles]
- Mac: [Mac groans as if he's in pain] Ow!
- Lydia: My husband is suffering from an incurable disease that eventually will kill him.
- Mac: Unfortunately, it could take a year, possibly more. Pain increasing daily... till I lapse into an irreversible coma.
- Curly: I had that, only it was just in my feet, yeah. It's called "coma-toes".
- [Larry and Curly laugh]
- Moe: [Moe laughs sarcastically] Oh, coma-toes, huh?
- Curly: Yeah.
- Curly: [Moe stomps on Curly's toes] Ohh!
- Mac: [Mac has a scratched face from his disastrous encounter with the zoo's lion] I don't get you, Lydia. Why would you throw a big anniversary party for Teddo? I thought we were trying to kill the guy!
- Lydia: We are, I just want lots of witnesses for when that dope accidentally falls head first from that balcony.
- Mac: Ohhh.
- Mr. Harter: Well... you two are certainly looking rather cozy.
- [Mac and Lydia laugh]
- Mr. Harter: Good lord Mac, what- what happened to your face?
- Mac: New kitty.
- Mr. Harter: Ah.
- Mac: I'm gonna go freshen up my drink.
- Mac: [after the Stooges have just agreed to Lydia's shady business proposal for $830,000] Thank you! Now, here's what we were thinking.
- Moe, Larry, Curly: Yes?
- Mac: I'd like you to sneak into our bedroom in the middle of the night and smother me while I'm sleeping.
- Moe, Larry, Curly: Yes, yes?
- Mac: But, do not turn on the lights.
- Moe, Larry, Curly: No, no, no.
- Moe: Wait a minute, why don't you want the lights on?
- Mac: Well, I want it to be a surprise.
- Moe: Oh, I get it. You don't want to see it coming, eh?
- Mac: Bingo.
- Larry: Hey look, it's the guy from that thing all the kids are talking about!
- Larry: [Curly belly-bumps Mac into the path of a city bus; Mac gets knocked several blocks ahead where a street sweeper runs over him] Whoa, whoa! Help, help, help, help, help, help! Help, help, help...!
- Moe: [a kid jumps on Mac with his pogo stick, bouncing on his stomach, then the arrow Larry shot from the bow lands in Mac's right thigh; Mac faints] That settles that.
- Moe, Larry, Curly: [the Stooges take turns shaking each other's hands] Success, success, success. Success, success, suceess. Thank you, thank you, thank you.
- Lydia: [furiously] What did you do? That was not the plan!
- Moe: What are you yakking about? He just said he didn't want to see it coming!
- Larry: Hey, hey, you look like you could use a grief massage.
- Lydia: Huh?
- Larry: Let it go, let it go, try to live in the now.
- Lydia: [Lydia frustrately pushes Larry away] Get off me!
- Larry: [Lydia gets into her car and drives away] Too soon?
- Teddy: [the Stooges, Teddy, Mac, Mr. Harter and Lydia are all passengers in Mr. Harter's car] I don't get it. Why did it have to come to this, Dad?
- Mr. Harter: Well, son, I didn't get rich... simply by... lawyering. I married into it. Unfortunately, when your mom passed away, she left everything to you.
- Mac: So you were just using me to do your dirty work?
- Lydia: Oh, heh, you cracked the code.
- Mac: [Curly giggles and laughs ticklishly] What's so funny, butter-bean?
- Curly: Nothing, Nippy's whiskers are tickling me.
- Lydia: Who's Nippy?
- Curly: Him.
- [Curly takes Nippy, the Stooges' pet rat, out of his coat; Mr. Harter and Lydia scream with terror]
- Lydia: [Nippy gets stuck in Lydia's cleavage] Take it out!
- Mac: [Mac makes a hard left turn; the Harters' car falls into a nearby lake, Lydia screams] Open the door! Shoot the window out!
- Mr. Harter: [Mr. Harter pulls the gun out] No, it's wet!
- Lydia: Why would you let the gun get wet?
- [the car's computerized navigation system says: "When possible, make a legal U-turn."]
- Lydia: [Everyone gasps for air] How long will the air last?
- Mr. Harter: Maybe... five minutes, if we stay calm.
- Larry: Oh, we got to break a window.
- Teddy: It's impossible: There's a thousand pounds of water pressing against that glass.
- Mac: Great! Great! How could this possibly get any worse?
- [Bubbles occur near Curly as a result of indigestion; everyone groans at the stench]
- Curly: I'm sorry, I guess the "pesto-bismol" didn't help with the lobster.
- Moe: [angrily] Did you eat the shells again?
- Curly: I don't know; it was on the plate, and then it wasn't.
- Moe: Wait a minute! Does anyone have a lighter?
- Larry: No... All I got are these stupid, easy-light, waterproof safety matches.
- Moe: Why you...
- [Moe bonks Larry on the head]
- Larry: Ow!
- Moe: Gimme that! Everybody close your eyes!
- [Moe strikes a match on Curly's face]
- Curly: Maybe that's not such a -
- [the explosion blows the car up, and everyone escapes to the lake's surface]