Sean Hayes credited as playing...
Larry
- Larry: Hey, quit horsing around, you two. You're disturbing my coffee break.
- Curly: Oh, boy, donuts! Where's mine?
- Moe: They're small. Why don't you have two?
- Curly: Okay.
- [Moe sticks donuts in Curly's ears]
- Curly: Oh, now look what you did, Moe! You got donut stuck in my ears!
- Larry: Hey, you're in luck. They got a donut remover right here.
- Moe: What's a donut remover?
- Larry: It's one of these.
- [reads the sign on the bell]
- Larry: "Do-nut remove-uh."
- Moe: Huh. What are the odds of that?
- Larry: $830,000. First taker gets a three-man working machine. It's all spelled out in this here contract, folks.
- Moe: That's right. No job is too small. We'll press your pants, we'll shine your shoes.
- Curly: We'll raid your fridge and drink your booze. Nyuk nyuk.
- [Moe slaps Curly]
- Moe: What's the matter with you? Quit givin' away the fine print.
- Mother Superior: [after Larry & Curly walk into Murph's room] I'm sorry, boys. Murph is very ill.
- Larry: Why isn't she in a hospital?
- Mother Superior: Well...
- Sister Mary-Mengele: I'll tell you why. Because we don't have any medical insurance.
- Larry: Well, you should get some. Just call that little green alligator guy.
- Larry: 830,000 bucks. We prefer it in hundreds, folks.
- [sees archery bows on sidewalk outside of a sporting goods store, picks one up, repeatedly stretches its bowstring to test it, shoots an arrow high up into the air, then looks around confusingly trying to see where it went]
- Larry: Wow, in the wrong hands this thing could be dangerous.
- Larry: Hey, bub, your trousers are falling down. Let me help you.
- [Larry yanks up Gangbanger's pants]
- Gang Banger: Hey, man, you trying to get yourself capped?
- Larry: Oh, no thanks. I don't wear hats. Why would I with a head of hair like this?
- Moe: What are you grubworms doing?
- Curly: Getting seconds on lobster.
- Moe: Seconds? I thought lobster upset your stomach.
- Curly: I dipped it in pesto-bismol.
- Moe: Oh, you like dipping, eh?
- Curly: Yeah.
- Moe: Come here.
- [Moe dips Curly's head into the water, he pulls him out with a lobster attached to his face]
- Larry: Hey, look, it's Santy Claws. Claws!
- Moe: What did I tell you about puns?
- [Moe stuffs the lobster down Larry's pants]
- Larry: Hey. Who's this lady?
- Ling: That's Teddo's wife, Lydia.
- Larry: Teddy's wife?
- Ling: Yep. Oh, she's one lucky girl.
- Larry: Then who's the guy on the end?
- Ling: Oh, that's Teddo's best friend, Mac.
- Curly: Well, then who's Mr. Fancy-Pants in the top hot and scarf?
- Ling: That's a snowman.
- Larry: Yeah, but what's his name?
- Curly: Hey, Moe! Hey, Larry! Fellas, do something!
- Larry: [nervously] Moe, Moe!
- Moe: What's the matter with y...
- [gasps]
- Curly: Call 411
- [whimpers]
- Moe: [to Larry] Quick, help me grab sister M and M before chowderhead crushes her!
- [bonks to a water retainer, Curly falls on top of her, Mary-Mengele groans]
- Moe: [to Curly] You, help out.
- [to Larry]
- Moe: You, grab that bucket, splash some water on her.
- [metal from the bell hits Mary-Mengele thru the bucket]
- Larry: See? I told you there's too much iron in the water.
- Moe: Speak to me, sis. Say a few parables!
- Sister Mary-Mengele: [dizzy and hallucinating] I saved 15% on my car insurance.
- Larry: She seems fine to me.
- Moe: Come on, let's go see what Mother Superior wants.
- [Sister Mary-Mengele's head hits the water retainer]
- Moe: [groans]
- Moe: Fellas, it's too high -
- [Larry and Curly collide with Moe, nearly pushing him over the rooftop]
- Moe: Aaah!
- [Larry and Curly catch Moe by the legs and pull him back to the roof]
- Moe: Why you lamebrains!
- [Moe slaps Larry and Curly across their faces]
- Larry: Hey, look, a fire hose! We can lower ourselves down to the ground.
- Moe: The kid's right, it's foolproof! Come on.
- [the Stooges unwind the fire hose and jump down to the ground below; the hose comes off its reel and the Stooges drop to the ground, landing on Teddy]
- Moe, Curly, Larry: Aah-aah!
- [the hose's reel hits Moe on the head as Teddy gets back on his feet]
- Moe: Ow! Why don't you watch where you're going, bud?
- Teddy: I'm sorry, 100 percent my fault. Sometimes I just get lost in my own head and I - Moe? Larry, Curly, is that you?
- Moe: Depends who's asking.
- Teddy: It's me, Teddo J. Harter.
- Moe: Who?
- Teddy: Teddy, from the orphanage, Teddy. You remember, Moe, I went home with your parents.
- Moe: What're you trying to pull? The Teddy we knew was this tall and he only had one shoe.
- Larry: Yeah, and he didn't sound like you.
- Teddy: Here- here, look, I got a snapshot of me and the 'rents leaving the orphanage.
- [the photo shows Teddy being adopted by his new parents and Moe being taken back by the nuns]
- Larry: Hey, it is you.
- [Larry looks at Teddy's photo]
- Larry: I was wondering, how are Moe's folks doing? They seem like good eggs.
- Teddy: Yeah, well Dad's doing great, I work with him at the law firm downtown; but Mother, she passed on several years ago, hunting accident.
- Moe, Curly, Larry: Oh, sure, yeah.
- Teddy: So, you boys on Facebook? I'll poke you.
- [the Stooges recoil at the mention of "poke", being unaware that it's a different kind of "poke"]
- Teddy: Better yet, I'll tweet you.
- Curly: Oh, tweet us to dinner? Soitanly!
- Mac: Ohh!
- Lydia: My husband is suffering from an incurable disease that eventually will kill him.
- Mac: Unfortunately, it could take a year, possibly more, pain increasing daily until I lapse into an irreversible coma.
- Curly: I had that, only it was just in my feet, yeah. It's called coma-toes.
- [Larry and Curly laugh]
- Moe: [Moe laughs sarcastically] Oh, coma-toes, huh?
- Curly: Yeah.
- Curly: [Moe stomps on Curly's toes] Ohh!
- Moe: Are they awake now?
- [Curly growls]
- Mac: Gentlemen.
- [the Stooges look behind them, unaware that Mac is referring to them]
- Mac: [losing patience] Gentlemen!
- Curly, Moe, Larry: Oh.
- Mac: I'm sure you can understand why I... prefer to leave this world on my own terms, rather than spend the rest of my life a vegetable.
- Moe: I don't know, it sounds illegal.
- Larry: Wait a minute, legs. Did you say $830,000 bucks?
- Lydia: I did.
- Larry: [Larry whistles Whew] That's a good day's pay.
- Curly: Hey, wait a minute, fellas. That's exactly the amount of money we' re looking for.
- Moe: You're right. This must be fate, time-bomb. You can count us in!
- Mac: [the Stooges shake Mac's hand] Ah, that's swell.
- Larry: Mr. Harter! Just the guy I wanted to see.
- Mr. Harter: I'll take the case. Please tell me it was Supercuts who did this to you.
- Larry: No, it's me, Larry... Moe, Larry, Curly, remember? From the orphanage.
- [Curly rhythmically claps his hands and barks]
- Mr. Harter: Oh, my... goodness! Well, congratulations, you're still in remission. So... what brings you here?
- Curly: Look, I'll cut to the chase, moneybags: we're in a jam. The orphanage needs 830 grand, or it's going belly-up.
- Larry: Plus we got a sick kid getting fitted for angel wings.
- Mr. Harter: Terrific! So, who do we sue?
- Larry: Oh no, there's no one to sue; we need you to give us the money.
- Curly: Yeah.
- [Curly chuckles]
- Larry: But we're not looking for a handout, mind ya. We'll work off every last penny right here in these halls.
- Mr. Harter: [sighs] Look, I'm sorry, but, uh... I'm... committed to several other charities, and besides, I don't have that kind of money just laying around. But if you decide to sue the orphanage, I'm in.
- Curly: Uh, Mr. H., please, I know what you're thinking: that we're both lazy bums like Moe, but - but we're not. Uh, some of us aren't afraid to get our hands dirty.
- Mr. Harter: What? No, I never thought of Moe as lazy.
- Larry: It's all right, that slug told us the whole story about why you dropped him back off.
- Mr. Harter: Well, I can assure you it had nothing to do with his work ethic; he was ten. No, what - what happened was he wanted us to go back for you two, and frankly, it was... too much for us.
- [Larry and Curly look at each other in amazement]
- Curly: You mean... he wouldn't go without us?
- Mr. Harter: No, he wouldn't. He was very adamant about wanting us to adopt all three of you, and... it was just out of the question, you understand. Anywho, got to skedaddle, late for a meeting. But if you ever do want to sue anyone for anything - a slip in the tub, a bone in the fish - I'm your guy.
- Curly: [Curly, Larry, and Peezer enter a room, where Murph is on a sick bed, and Mother Superior is praying at her bedside] Murph?
- Mother Superior: I'm sorry, boys, Murph is very ill.
- Larry: Why isn't she in a hospital?
- Mother Superior: [Peezer hops on Murph's bed] Well...
- Sister Mary-Mengele: I'll tell you why: because we don't have any medical insurance.
- Larry: Well, you should get some. Just call that little green alligator guy.
- Curly: Yeah.
- Sister Mary-Mengele: Okay, that's it. I've had it with you! Do you want to know why we have no medical insurance? It's because you wombats have caused so many accidents over the years, there's not a company on this earth who'll cover us until we pay the $830,000 we owe for previous claims, and that's why we're being closed down!
- Mother Superior: That's enough, Sister.
- Curly: Wait, wh - You mean the orphanage is closing... because of us?
- Sister Mary-Mengele: [Mother Superior nods sadly] Check it out: Larry, Curly, you're responsible for that!
- Sister Mary-Mengele: [Larry and Curly look at Murph lying on her sickbed, with Peezer at her side] You are, and that other moron!
- Sister Mary-Mengele: [a beep is heard, Larry and Curly think it's a flatline monitor] Oh, sorry, excuse me.
- Sister Mary-Mengele: [the beep is revealed to be Mary-Mengele's cell phone, which she answers] Yes? No, no, I want it with custard, not whipped cream. I ordered an éclair, not a Twinkie!
- Moe: [in Teddy's bedroom] Teddy! Teddy, Teddy, Teddy, what's the matter? Come on boy, speak to me.
- Teddy: [barely awake] Who are you?
- Moe: It's us, it's Moe...
- Larry: Larry...
- Curly: And Curly.
- Teddy: [Teddy is still half-awake] Guys, what are you doing here?
- Moe: All right buddy, we got you now.
- Moe, Curly, Larry: [Lydia and Mac enter Teddy's bedroom] Nyah-ah-aah!
- Teddy: [drowsily] Oh, honey, thanks so much for inviting the boys behind my back.
- Moe: That ain't the only thing she's doing behind your back.
- Curly: Yeah, she wanted us to smother you in your sleep.
- Larry: And now it looks like she slipped you some knockout juice.
- Teddy: [still drowsy] Lydia, what are they talking about?
- Lydia: [feigning innocence] Honey, I am as confused as you are. All I know is that these men crashed our party, and when we tried to remove them, they start acting crazy.
- Moe: Teddy, you've known us since you were a baby. Why, we were the ones who taught you how to play with matches. We treated you like a little brother. Why would we lie to you now?
- Teddy: [still drowsy] Wait, Lydia, why am I still in bed if- if the party's going on?
- Mac: [Lydia looks at Mac while trying to come up with an answer] I'll tell you why.
- Teddy: [Mac reveals his left hand, which has a gun in it] Oh, Mac.
- Moe, Curly, Larry: Nyah-ah-aah!
- Mr. Harter: [Mr. Harter enters the room, with a gun in his right hand] Don't even think about it, Mac.
- Mr. Harter: [the Stooges sigh and chuckle with relief] Real slow, now. Drop it to the floor.
- Mac: Not a problem.
- [Mac slowly puts the gun on the floor]
- Teddy: Good work, Dad. You know, I had a feeling something was going on, but you, Mac? I mean, you were my best pal. Why would you do that?
- Mac: It wasn't my idea; she was calling the shots, I swear.
- Mr. Harter: No, Mac, I was calling the shots.
- [Lydia walks up next to Mr. Harter, and kisses him, indicating Mr. Harter's and Lydia's treacherous partnership to get rid of Teddy]
- Balloon Girl: [hanging on to the balloons which have risen to the sunroof] Mommy!
- Moe, Larry, Curly: Nyah-ah-aah!
- [one of the guests cries out "Oh!"]
- Moe: Think of something, lamebrains!
- Larry: [Larry points to a rifle on the wall] Hey look, a balloon popper.
- Curly: Oh, heh-heh-heh.
- [Larry gets the rifle from above the fireplace]
- Larry: I'll get it!
- [Larry starts to aim the rifle]
- Moe: What's the matter with you? That's a kid up there! Where's your gun safety?
- [Moe takes the rifle from Larry's hands, and hits him on the forehead with the rifle's butt end; the rifle fires, popping one of the balloons as the little girl falls on the cake below]
- Balloon Girl: [laughing] That was awesome!
- French Chef: Nooo-oh-oh-oh-ohhhh, oh-oh-ohhh! Mon gateau!
- Moe: Come on, fellas.
- [last lines]
- Moe: Gee, it sure feels good to not louse things up for once.
- Curly: Oh, you said it.
- [Curly leans on the diving board, knocking Sister Mary-Mengele into the swimming pool]
- Sister Mary-Mengele: Aaah!
- Curly: Oh, oh, oh oh!
- Moe, Curly, Larry: Nyah-aah-aah!
- Sister Mary-Mengele: I'm going to mash your heads... like potatoes!
- Moe, Curly, Larry: Nyah-aah-aah!
- Curly: Woo-woo, woo-woo-woo-woo-woo!
- [the Stooges jump on trampolines and over the hedge, landing on horses and riding away]
- Moe, Curly, Larry: Whoa!
- Larry: Hey fellas, wait! Wait up! Whoa, whoa! How do you steer this thing? Oh, boy...