Kirby Heyborne credited as playing...
Teddy
- Mac: [as he and Lydia are being arrested] Come on, come on, what's it gonna take, huh? Come on, come on, let's make a deal, I- I...
- Lydia: [screaming at Mac] Shut up!
- Mac: You shut up!
- Policeman #3: Just get in there.
- Mac: [to the police officer] I'll sing like a canary. You know, you name 'em, I'll blame 'em.
- Policeman #3: I don't care.
- Teddy: It's ironic, isn't it? Here I am, the so-called "lucky one" who got adopted, and yet I never could find the one thing that you three have always had. You know, you're happy with yourselves, and with each other. That's a real blessing. So what can I do to pay you guys back for saving my life?
- Lydia: Funny you should ask: Can you give us 830,000 bucks to save the orphanage?
- Teddy: Uh... no.
- [the Stooges gasp in shock]
- Teddy: That guy that adopted me, he shipped me off to military school when I was seven. And he just... he just tried to murder me, and run off with my wife, and- and you expect me to just give money to the women who handed me over to that monster? I'm sorry, guys, I'd do anything for those kids and- and you guys, but... I can't do that, uh... sorry.
- Policeman #3: Excuse me, Mr. Harter? Could you come over here and give us a statement? Right this way.
- Moe: [Moe slaps Larry] "Donut remover."
- Moe: Fellas, it's too high -
- [Larry and Curly collide with Moe, nearly pushing him over the rooftop]
- Moe: Aaah!
- [Larry and Curly catch Moe by the legs and pull him back to the roof]
- Moe: Why you lamebrains!
- [Moe slaps Larry and Curly across their faces]
- Larry: Hey, look, a fire hose! We can lower ourselves down to the ground.
- Moe: The kid's right, it's foolproof! Come on.
- [the Stooges unwind the fire hose and jump down to the ground below; the hose comes off its reel and the Stooges drop to the ground, landing on Teddy]
- Moe, Curly, Larry: Aah-aah!
- [the hose's reel hits Moe on the head as Teddy gets back on his feet]
- Moe: Ow! Why don't you watch where you're going, bud?
- Teddy: I'm sorry, 100 percent my fault. Sometimes I just get lost in my own head and I - Moe? Larry, Curly, is that you?
- Moe: Depends who's asking.
- Teddy: It's me, Teddo J. Harter.
- Moe: Who?
- Teddy: Teddy, from the orphanage, Teddy. You remember, Moe, I went home with your parents.
- Moe: What're you trying to pull? The Teddy we knew was this tall and he only had one shoe.
- Larry: Yeah, and he didn't sound like you.
- Teddy: Here- here, look, I got a snapshot of me and the 'rents leaving the orphanage.
- [the photo shows Teddy being adopted by his new parents and Moe being taken back by the nuns]
- Larry: Hey, it is you.
- [Larry looks at Teddy's photo]
- Larry: I was wondering, how are Moe's folks doing? They seem like good eggs.
- Teddy: Yeah, well Dad's doing great, I work with him at the law firm downtown; but Mother, she passed on several years ago, hunting accident.
- Moe, Curly, Larry: Oh, sure, yeah.
- Teddy: So, you boys on Facebook? I'll poke you.
- [the Stooges recoil at the mention of "poke", being unaware that it's a different kind of "poke"]
- Teddy: Better yet, I'll tweet you.
- Curly: Oh, tweet us to dinner? Soitanly!
- Moe: [in Teddy's bedroom] Teddy! Teddy, Teddy, Teddy, what's the matter? Come on boy, speak to me.
- Teddy: [barely awake] Who are you?
- Moe: It's us, it's Moe...
- Larry: Larry...
- Curly: And Curly.
- Teddy: [Teddy is still half-awake] Guys, what are you doing here?
- Moe: All right buddy, we got you now.
- Moe, Curly, Larry: [Lydia and Mac enter Teddy's bedroom] Nyah-ah-aah!
- Teddy: [drowsily] Oh, honey, thanks so much for inviting the boys behind my back.
- Moe: That ain't the only thing she's doing behind your back.
- Curly: Yeah, she wanted us to smother you in your sleep.
- Larry: And now it looks like she slipped you some knockout juice.
- Teddy: [still drowsy] Lydia, what are they talking about?
- Lydia: [feigning innocence] Honey, I am as confused as you are. All I know is that these men crashed our party, and when we tried to remove them, they start acting crazy.
- Moe: Teddy, you've known us since you were a baby. Why, we were the ones who taught you how to play with matches. We treated you like a little brother. Why would we lie to you now?
- Teddy: [still drowsy] Wait, Lydia, why am I still in bed if- if the party's going on?
- Mac: [Lydia looks at Mac while trying to come up with an answer] I'll tell you why.
- Teddy: [Mac reveals his left hand, which has a gun in it] Oh, Mac.
- Moe, Curly, Larry: Nyah-ah-aah!
- Mr. Harter: [Mr. Harter enters the room, with a gun in his right hand] Don't even think about it, Mac.
- Mr. Harter: [the Stooges sigh and chuckle with relief] Real slow, now. Drop it to the floor.
- Mac: Not a problem.
- [Mac slowly puts the gun on the floor]
- Teddy: Good work, Dad. You know, I had a feeling something was going on, but you, Mac? I mean, you were my best pal. Why would you do that?
- Mac: It wasn't my idea; she was calling the shots, I swear.
- Mr. Harter: No, Mac, I was calling the shots.
- [Lydia walks up next to Mr. Harter, and kisses him, indicating Mr. Harter's and Lydia's treacherous partnership to get rid of Teddy]
- Teddy: Hey, wait a minute, where are you guys living?
- Moe: You know the Ritz Carlton on Oak Street?
- Teddy: Oh, sure.
- Curly: Yeah, we're camped out in the dumpster out back.
- Larry: But not the dirty, beat-up green one. It's the shiny blue one right next to it
- Teddy: Oh... You know, I've got an idea: Why don't you guys come crash at my place, just until you get your feet back on the ground?
- Larry: Oh boy, that sounds terrific!
- Curly: Yeah, heh.
- Moe: We're not going anywhere.
- Larry: What are you talking about, Moe?
- Moe: Thanks Teddy Bear, but we're gonna stay put. We got too many irons in the fire right now.
- Teddy: Of course you do. Hey look, I gotta get going; I'm supposed to be visiting a friend. Wait, let's get a quick pic first.
- Moe: What is that gadget?
- Teddy: It's an iPhone.
- Curly: [squints into Teddy's iPhone] Eye-phone? Hello? Hello! There's nobody there.
- Teddy: Works better on your ear. Here, come on, everybody.
- Moe: Where do you think you're going?
- [Moe pulls Larry's hair]
- Larry: Aah!
- Moe: Here, let me get- Wait a minute, wait a second.
- [Moe climbs on top of Curly and Larry as they pose for a quick photo]
- Teddy: Smile!
- [Teddy takes the Stooges' photo]
- Teddy: [Teddy chuckles] Oh, that's great. It's so good to see you guys, really. You haven't changed a bit.
- Ronnie: How's that Whynatte?
- The Situation: This is, like, my fourth or fifth.
- Sammi: What happened last night?
- The Situation: What kind of flavor? I like coffee, too.
- Moe: Hey, I'm heading out to 7-Eleven, anyone up for some gummy worms?
- JWoww: Yeah, maybe if they were soaked in vodka. By the way, why are you even on our show? You look like a stretched-out meatball.
- The Situation: [laughter] Did not Moe tell you that he's using our little program as a launching pad to make a lot of paper to save homeless orphan babies?
- Ronnie: Good luck, this guy can't even buy the right kind of grated cheese. I asked for Romano, not Parmesan, you mook.
- Moe: Oh, you don't like that cheese.
- Ronnie: No.
- Moe: Well, let's see what we can do about that.
- [Moe picks up the cheese grater]
- Ronnie: What are you doing?
- Teddy: [watching "Jersey Shore" from his bedroom with Lydia] Oh boy, here we go.
- Moe: [Moe rubs the cheese grater on Ronnie's foot] How about some aged cheddar, tough guy? Come on!
- Ronnie: Ow! What, are you crazy? That's assault!
- Moe: Here's your pepper. Shut up!
- [Moe slaps Ronnie]
- The Situation: My man!
- Moe: Who asked you, muscle-head!
- [Moe quickly finger-pokes The Situation's eyes]
- Sammi: Moe, you just can't go around hitting people!
- Moe: Oh, no? Well, can I do this?
- [Moe plucks Sammi's nasal hairs out of her nostril]
- Sammi: Hmm, rare bouquet.
- JWoww: Are you kidding me? Who does this?
- Ronnie: How's that Whynatte?
- The Situation: This is, like, my fourth or fifth.
- Sammi: What happened last night?
- The Situation: What kind of flavor? I like coffee, too.
- Moe: Hey, I'm heading out to 7-Eleven, anyone up for some gummy worms?
- JWoww: Yeah, maybe if they were soaked in vodka. By the way, why are you even on our show? You look like a stretched-out meatball.
- [laughter]
- The Situation: Did not Moe tell you that he's using our little program as a launching pad to make a lot of paper to save homeless orphan babies?
- Ronnie: Good luck, this guy can't even buy the right kind of grated cheese. I asked for Romano, not Parmesan, you mook.
- Moe: Oh, you don't like that cheese.
- Ronnie: No.
- Moe: Well, let's see what we can do about that.
- [Moe picks up the cheese grater]
- Ronnie: What are you doing?
- Teddy: [watching "Jersey Shore" from his bedroom with Lydia] Oh boy, here we go.
- Moe: [Moe rubs the cheese grater on Ronnie's foot] How about some aged cheddar, tough guy? Come on!
- Ronnie: Ow! What, are you crazy? That's assault!
- Moe: Here's your pepper, shut up!
- [Moe slaps Ronnie]
- The Situation: My man!
- Moe: [Moe finger-pokes The Situation in the eyes] Who asked you, muscle-head!
- Sammi: Moe, you just can't go around hitting people!
- Moe: Oh, no? Well, can I do this?
- [Moe plucks Sammi's nasal hairs out of her nostril]
- Sammi: Ow!
- Moe: Hmm, rare bouquet.
- JWoww: Are you kidding me? Who does this?
- Teddy: [the Stooges, Teddy, Mac, Mr. Harter and Lydia are all passengers in Mr. Harter's car] I don't get it. Why did it have to come to this, Dad?
- Mr. Harter: Well, son, I didn't get rich... simply by... lawyering. I married into it. Unfortunately, when your mom passed away, she left everything to you.
- Mac: So you were just using me to do your dirty work?
- Lydia: Oh, heh, you cracked the code.
- Mac: [Curly giggles and laughs ticklishly] What's so funny, butter-bean?
- Curly: Nothing, Nippy's whiskers are tickling me.
- Lydia: Who's Nippy?
- Curly: Him.
- [Curly takes Nippy, the Stooges' pet rat, out of his coat; Mr. Harter and Lydia scream with terror]
- Lydia: [Nippy gets stuck in Lydia's cleavage] Take it out!
- Mac: [Mac makes a hard left turn; the Harters' car falls into a nearby lake, Lydia screams] Open the door! Shoot the window out!
- Mr. Harter: [Mr. Harter pulls the gun out] No, it's wet!
- Lydia: Why would you let the gun get wet?
- [the car's computerized navigation system says: "When possible, make a legal U-turn."]
- Lydia: [Everyone gasps for air] How long will the air last?
- Mr. Harter: Maybe... five minutes, if we stay calm.
- Larry: Oh, we got to break a window.
- Teddy: It's impossible: There's a thousand pounds of water pressing against that glass.
- Mac: Great! Great! How could this possibly get any worse?
- [Bubbles occur near Curly as a result of indigestion; everyone groans at the stench]
- Curly: I'm sorry, I guess the "pesto-bismol" didn't help with the lobster.
- Moe: [angrily] Did you eat the shells again?
- Curly: I don't know; it was on the plate, and then it wasn't.
- Moe: Wait a minute! Does anyone have a lighter?
- Larry: No... All I got are these stupid, easy-light, waterproof safety matches.
- Moe: Why you...
- [Moe bonks Larry on the head]
- Larry: Ow!
- Moe: Gimme that! Everybody close your eyes!
- [Moe strikes a match on Curly's face]
- Curly: Maybe that's not such a -
- [the explosion blows the car up, and everyone escapes to the lake's surface]
- Teddy: [Teddy walks in with Ling] Hey everybody!
- Moe: Oh, hey Teddy!
- Larry: Hi, Teddy!
- Mother Superior: Gather round, everyone! I have an announcement to make. Teddy and his fianceé, Ling, have just discovered that our Lord and Savior has left her barren, so they have decided to adopt!
- Moe, Curly, Larry: [the Stooges tear off their suits, with shorts, white shirts, and bowties underneath; they snap their fingers in rhythm] Hoi! Hoi! Hoi, hoi, hoi, hoi!
- Moe: Spread out, pick me! I promise I'll go this time without any fuss!
- Mother Superior: Oh, I'm sorry, boys, but they've already decided who they're adopting.
- Teddy: [approaches Murph and Peezer] So how about it, Murph? Will you be a part of our family?
- Murph: Are you serious, dude? Me? And you're not even getting paid?
- [Murph looks over at a sad Peezer]
- Murph: Oh... I'm sorry, mister, your offer is very nice and all, but... I think you better pick someone else.
- Peezer: It's okay, Murph... you should go. This is your big break.
- Murph: [Murph hugs Peezer] Not a chance, kid, not without you.
- Teddy: Well, I guess we'll just have to take all three of you.
- Murph: What three? I was just talking about me and Peez.
- Teddy: Well, yeah, of course, but there's also the kid that we just sprang from the foster home across town.
- Weezer: [Sister Rosemary and Weezer appear] Peezer!
- Peezer: Weezer!
- [the Stooges and orphans laugh joyfully, followed by the orphans screaming "Yay!"]
- Mother Superior: Pack your bags, you three, it's time to go home. Three cheers for the boys. Hip-hip, hooray!
- [the orphans join in the cheer]
- Sister Mary-Mengele: [mutters to herself] Oh, please.
- Mother Superior: [with the orphans] Hip-hip, hooray! Hip-hip, hooray!
- Moe: Gee, it sure feels good to not louse things up for once!
- Curly: Oh, you said it, mm-hmm.
- [Curly leans on the diving board with Sister Mary-Mengele standing underneath it; it hits her on the head and knocks her into the pool]
- Curly: Ooh-hoo, oh, oh, oh!
- Moe, Curly, Larry: Nyah-aah-aah!
- Sister Mary-Mengele: [gasping] I'm going to mash your heads, like potatoes!
- Moe, Curly, Larry: Nyah-aah-aah, nyah-aah-aah!
- [the Stooges run away, jumping on three trampolines near the hedge, each landing on a horse and riding away]
- Curly: Woo-woo, woo-woo-woo-woo!