Adam Sandler credited as playing...
Michael Newman
- Morty: [Michael wants to skip ahead to his promotion] Consider the leprechaun.
- Michael Newman: What?
- Morty: The one in the cereal commercials.
- Michael Newman: [Irish accent] 'They're magically delicious'?
- [normal voice]
- Michael Newman: That guy?
- Morty: He's always chasing the pot of gold, but when he gets there, at the end of the day, it's just corn flakes.
- Michael Newman: [dying] Family, family... Family comes first.
- Ben Newman - Age 22-30: [crying] Family comes first.
- Michael Newman: Honey... honeymoon
- Ben Newman - Age 22-30: [still crying] Honeymoon
- [to his wife; still crying]
- Ben Newman - Age 22-30: I love you.
- Michael Newman: Samantha... I didn't make it to 200 but I love you.
- Samantha Newman - Age 27: I love you, Daddy.
- Michael Newman: [weakly gives Bill the finger and laughs] No no, no no,
- Michael Newman: [Give the Okay sign]
- Samantha at 14 Years Old: I'm going to Derek's.
- Michael Newman: Whoa, whoa, whoa, who is Derek?
- Samantha at 14 Years Old: Uh, duh, my boyfriend, the hottest boy in school?
- Michael Newman: Yeah, he's gonna be really hot when I burn his house down.
- Michael Newman: Can I help you?
- Ben Newman - at 17 Years Old: Hey Dad.
- Michael Newman: Hey Dad? Ben? Look how big you got! You're enormous!
- Ben Newman - at 17 Years Old: [offended] Look who's talking, Captain Twinkie of the SS Fat Ass! Really good for my self esteem! Maybe if you took me to Pilates like you said you would, people wouldn't think I was Rosie O'Donnell!
- Michael Newman: Come on Ben, I love you! Bring me back the Twinkies!
- Kevin O'Doyle: [referring to Michael's car] What kind of stereo do you have in that blue piece of shit?
- Michael Newman: You know, I never check, Kevin.
- Kevin O'Doyle: Yeah, well my father's stereo is a Bose.
- Michael Newman: [yell's while in his car] Your father's stereo blows? That's too bad!
- Kevin O'Doyle: No! I said... That's not what I said!
- Michael Newman: [pulls off his driveway and speeds away yelling] His father stereo blows! Wheee!
- Michael Newman: Sorry I'm late. Some idiot in a red Lamborghini parked in my spot.
- Prince Habeeboo: Prince Habeeboo drive Red Lamborghini.
- Michael Newman: Oh, did I say red Lamborghini? I meant blue Ferrari.
- Michael Newman: I thought I was already your partner.
- Ammer: Whoa, cowboy. I said "Land the Watsuhita account, you'll get promoted." I didn't mean right this second.
- Michael Newman: But I already told my wife, sir. I spent money I don't have. To do these documents is gonna take me months.
- Ammer: Then you better get started.
- [Michael freezes Ammer with the remote, smacks him in the face three times, unfreezes him]
- Ammer: Wow, I just got a big headache! Wha - ? Was I hit by a train or something?
- Michael Newman: I didn't see anything.
- Ammer: Oh, I forgot to tell you. I hung out with your friend Janine this weekend.
- [freezes Ammer again]
- Michael Newman: I hope she's doing your brother right now, you big-headed buffoon
- [Michael stands on Ammer's desk and begins farting in his face]
- Michael Newman: No, no, no, no. You got more.
- [continues farting in Ammer's face]
- Michael Newman: Yeah.
- [stops and unfreezes Ammer]
- Ammer: Anyway, the sooner you ge - Get back to - Uh, work, they sooner you'll be partnerized. I taste shit.
- Michael Newman: You do?
- Ammer: Stacy! Did you put shit in my lunch? Argh!
- Michael Newman: [leaves Ammer's office] I'm gonna get going, sir.
- Ammer: Ugh. STACY!
- Morty: [standing at Ted's, Michael's dad's, grave] He was a good man. I'm sorry, Michael. I didn't want to take him.
- Michael Newman: What?
- Morty: Michael, I'm an angel.
- Michael Newman: I thought angels were supposed to protect people.
- Morty: I'm the Angel of Death.
- Michael Newman: Samantha. One day, you are going to be the hottest chick in the world, but you still gotta have brains. So tomorrow, I'm going to teach you Calculus.
- Samantha Newman - Age 5: You know Calculus?
- Michael Newman: Uh, I knew you'd call me on that, alright, your mother will teach you.
- Samantha Newman - Age 5: Daddy, how much longer are you going to live?
- Michael Newman: [to cellphone] One minute.
- Samantha Newman - Age 5: One minute?
- [grabs hold of his leg]
- Samantha Newman - Age 5: Daddy's gonna die in one minute?
- Michael Newman: Whoa! No no no, I'm not gonna die, okay? I'm gonna live... 200 more years, is that long enough for you and me?
- Samantha Newman - Age 5: You promise?
- Michael Newman: I promise!
- [hugs her]
- Michael Newman: I mean no disrespect, Prince Hubbida Hubbida.
- Ammer: Hubba Bubba.
- Prince Habeeboo: Habeeboo! Ha-bee-boo! Hubba Bubba is chewing gum. Prince Habeeboo is not chewing gum!
- Janine: [after Donna kisses Michael] Oh, my God. I want that so bad. A husband that I can kiss and love and give juice too.
- Michael Newman: You've already cheated on three different husbands with their brothers. I think you've given enough juice to everybody. Love juice.
- Janine: You know way too much about me. I should've never done that Montel Williams show.
- Michael Newman: Even Montel Williams thinks you're crazy and he's seen a lot of shit.
- Janine: I was desperate for companionship! All of my husbands... All of them have emotionally abandoned me.
- Michael Newman: They went to work. You had sex with their unemployed brothers. You're a horndog.
- Michael Newman: [looking in a mirror] You look a little pale there, pal. Let me fix that.
- [Uses his remote to change the colors]
- Michael Newman: [Changes his skin color to yellow] You're all yellow from the scurvy. Arr, captain.
- Michael Newman: [Changes his skin color to green and imitates the hulk] Grr... Don't get the Hulk angry. Raaaahrrr!
- [laughs]
- Michael Newman: [Changes his skin color to purple] Oh, there's Barney.
- [starts to sing the I Love You song while Imitating Barney the Dinosaur]
- Michael Newman: I love you, you love me, that jogger had giant boobies.
- [laughs]
- Ben at 7-Years-Old: Hey, Dad! Look at Kevin's new Robo-Dog!
- Michael Newman: [not listening] That's nice.
- Kevin O'Doyle: NICE? This thing's worth more than your car!
- Michael Newman: [runs over robo-dog] Not anymore it ain't!
- Michael Newman: Yes! Look at me. All showered and dressed and looking sexy. I like that. I...
- Samantha Newman - Age 5: Did you smoke crack, Daddy?
- Kirsten: Do you need something, Mr. Newman?
- Michael Newman: Who are you?
- Kirsten: Kirsten... your assistant?
- Michael Newman: Wha- Wha- What happen to Alice?
- Kirsten: She moved to Accounting, couldn't handle your hours.
- Kirsten: [Whispering] And she prefers to be called Allen now, remember?
- Kirsten: [points at Alice, she is now a he]
- Michael Newman: No... No! No!
- Michael Newman: Samantha, is that you? When did you get boobs?
- Samantha at 14 Years Old: Same time you did, Dad.
- Michael Newman: [just getting off the phone with Ammer, then whispers] That's it! You're dead!
- Firecracker Teen #1: [teens run away] Oh, shit.
- Michael Newman: [jumps right over the fence chasing after them] That's right! You better run! I kicked your father's ass in high school! So, now I'm gonna kick yours!
- Ping Woo: [crying] I hate that man.