Santa's Slay

Well, the freaking Holidays are coming up again and, since you can't watch Dickens' "Christmas Carol" every damn year, the lowest shelf of your local videostore might offer some variety! This is where you're most likely to find "Santa's Slay"; a pleasantly deranged and hugely entertaining new horror comedy stuffed with season's beatings and blood-red nosed...buffaloes! As from Christmas 2005, Santa is no longer the chubby bringer of joy and presents, but once again the sadistic and HO-HO-HO-Horrendous offspring of Satan he was thousand years ago, until losing a bet against an good-hearted angel. After a couple of pointless but hilarious stops to slaughter annoying sitcom actors like Fran Drescher and Chris Kattan, the mad as hell Santa heads for the township of Hell (which really exists, only it's a Norway) to take revenge on the clever angel – who became human in the meantime – and his faggoty grandson. "Santa's Slay" is a very untraditional horror-holiday movie, with a really stupid plot and lousy gore effects, but you can't help laughing at wrestling legend Bill Goldberg in the role of baddest Santa. And even though he won't win any Academy Awards anytime soon, he's certainly a lot better/cooler than his colleague Hulk Hogan was in "Santa With Muscles". He and gorgeous Emilie De Ravin are the only cast members worth mentioning, by the way, as the male leads are embarrassingly weak. Especially that Douglas Smith boy! He's only fit to play the high-school nerd, but not as a battler against evil demons. "Santa's Slay" is an insignificant but FUN b-movie with some inventive killings, tongue-in-cheek humor, gorgeous strippers and exploding children! Enjoy.

Twenty years later, this movie falls flat. A big part of that is that David Harbour played Santa (in Violent Night) with a lot more charisma. This looked like an indie film, but was missing the heart. A big problem with wrestlers in non wrestling movies is that they bring the ring presence. However, in "the real world", that doesn't translate. Santa powerbombing someone seems like a lot of work for little return. This is one and done for me.

The plot had moments, but, they weren't tied together - more like someone wrote a line, and said, Hey, that's good!, and that's where it ended. Special effects were not "special", so, they weren't engaging. If anything, this COULD be remade with 1. Better production values 2. Better script and 3. Better acting. Sometimes, trying isn't enough.

It must be hard being a popular wrestler. People pay money to see you, to cheer for you, to buy your merchandise, and generally to make you feel like more then the average man. It makes you think that if they were willing to do all that, they'd be willing to follow you if you attempt other projects as well.

And they do. But mainly to make fun of it.

Then again, it seems like wrestlers are united in their substandard film choices. Hulk Hogan's, whose wrestling stardom was heavily influenced by his guest appearance in Rocky III, movie career reads like a "What Not To Do When Picking A Script". Steve Austin, Triple H, and Adam Copeland (Edge) won't exactly be remembered for their marks in Hollywood either (Only the future will tell if The Rock breaks the mold or follows in their footsteps). And then along comes a film like this, starring former WCW dynamo Bill Goldberg.

Surprisingly, it's not all bad.

True, one shouldn't go into the film expecting a fully sensible plot, or a masterwork of acting, or extremely convincing special effects (look out for the prone motionless 'hell-deer!'). However, the film does contain a few likable characters, some decent puns in the Christmas vein (along with some excruciating ones), and half the time, Goldberg actually manages to make the concept of Santa really being an evil entity comes off as credible. And of course, any film that presents the credit sequence as a naughty and nice list can't be all bad.

In the end, it's not Santa With Muscles.

And that's really saying something.

Santa's Slay (2005)

** 1/2 (out of 4)

Turns out Santa was actually the son of Satan who lost a bet to an angel that forced him to be "good" for a thousand years. Time is up so Santa (Bill Goldberg) goes back to being bad by killing as many people as he can but it's up to a loser (Douglas Smith), his girlfriend (Emile de Ravin) and his wacky grandfather (Robert Culp) to try and save the day. If you're looking for high art then you're not going to find it here but if you're looking for a black comedy that isn't afraid to offend then this one here is just for you. When you see Bill Goldberg on a cover dressed as Santa then you're probably expecting something very stupid and bad but it turned out that this is a rather clever little movie that works well if you know what you're getting into. This movie isn't trying to be anything ground breaking but instead it just wants to make you laugh. The film opens up with a hilarious spoof of happy families as James Caan and Fran Drescher play the parents to some ungrateful kids (Chris Kattan, Rebecca Gayheart) and Santa soon shows up to teach them a lesson. Other victims including a cussing old lady, a Jewish store owner and we even get some Amish folks who show up. When people think of killer Santa movies they usually think of SILENT NIGHT, DEADLY NIGHT. Those who found that movie to be too mean spirited will find the complete opposite here because the movie pokes fun at a lot of people and subjects but it's done in good fun. One of the best moments happen when a preacher asks his people for dollar bills and then after the service he goes to a strip club where of course Santa shows up. I was really surprised to see how many known faces are on hand here in small roles. It was fun seeing Caan and Drescher in the opening bit and Robert Culp is always entertaining. Saul Rubinek and Dave Thomas are on hand as well. de Raven is very good in her role as the girlfriend and helps keep the film moving. Goldberg gets to show some of his famous wrestling moves and he handles the part quite nicely. He's certainly not worthy of an Oscar but he looks just right for a crazy Santa. There's some pretty good gore scattered throughout as well. SANTA'S SLAY isn't the greatest movie ever made but it's a pretty good little gem that manages to make you laugh and it's certainly something different from your typical Christmas flick.

I was confused when I saw this movie. Santa (Bill Goldberg) is the son-of-Satan and is out to scare children after a thousand years of imprisonment. he is killing for no other reason then to kill. Standing in his way is the man who imprisoned him to serve the children, Grandpa (Robert Culp) and his grandson Nicholas (Douglas Smith).

For some odd reason, Santa finds the oddest way of killing people: lighting people on fire with coal, choking them with a wreath, or just running them over with his reindeer. For two hours or so we watch two stupid teenagers run around and hide, finally leading to a rocket launcher blowing up a reindeer.

In the end I was just like WTF. I was confused, lost, and a little humored by the movie. The fight scenes with Goldberg are pretty cool and sometimes he does act well. In the end, the film doesn't make any sense, it's stupid, but it's pretty funny when you don't care what you're watching. Seeing Goldberg actually try to act is hilarious but some of his lines did make me laugh and in the end did give a convincing performance. The best was the giant reindeer. that pulled his sled.

If you watch it, don't expect a masterpiece, actually don't expect much at all. Just watch it for the action, not the story.

Santa's Slay. Starring: Robert Culp, bill Goldberg, Douglas Smith, and Emilie de Ravin.

2 1/2 out of 5 Stars.