Matthew Broderick: Leo Bloom

The Producers

Leo Bloom

Leo Bloom: Elizabeth?
Franz Liebkind: Ja. Not many people know this, but the fuhrer was descended from a long line of English queens.
Max Bialystock: [after a long pause] Is that right?

Leo Bloom: So what time can you get here?
Ulla: Well, Ulla wake up every morning at five AM. From five to seven, Ulla excercise. From seven to eight Ulla take long shower. From eight to nine Ulla eat big Swedish breakfast. Many different herrings. From nine to eleven, Ulla practice her singing und her dancing. And at eleven, Ulla like to have sex. So, what time should Ulla get here?
Leo Bloom, Max Bialystock: ...Eleven.
Ulla: Good! Ulla will come at eleven!
Max Bialystock: [holding his head in his hands] Ulla will come at eleven...
Ulla: God dag min vannina!
Leo Bloom, Max Bialystock: God dag min vannina... ninna...
Ulla: God bless America!
[Ulla leaves]
Max Bialystock: God bless Sweden!

Leo Bloom: Mr. Marks, you were right about one thing. You are a CPA. A Certified Public ASS-HOLE!

Leo Bloom: Mr. Bialystock, I'm afraid you've mistaken me for someone with a spine.

Franz Liebkind: You know, not many people know zis, but der F¸hrer was a terrific dancer.
Max Bialystock: Really? Gee, we didn't know that, did we, Leo?
Leo Bloom: No, we sure didn't.
Franz Liebkind: THAT'S BECAUSE YOU WERE TAKEN IN BY THE BBC! Filthy British lies! But did they ever say a bad word about Winston Churchill? CHURCHILL!
[gags]
Franz Liebkind: With his cigars, and his brandy, and his ROTTEN paintings! ROTTEN! Hitler, there was a painter! He could paint an entire apartment in one afternoon! Two coats!

Leo Bloom: FAT! FAT!
Max Bialystock: I'm not that fat!
Leo Bloom: FAT! Fat! Fatty! Fatso! You fat fat fatty fat walrus! Gimme the FAT BOOKS!

[repeated line]
Leo Bloom: Max... we never should've started this! I think we're getting in too deep!
Max Bialystock: Too deep? This is nothing! I'll tell ya when we're getting in too deep!

[an outtake]
Max Bialystock: You okay?
Leo Bloom: Oh, yes. Thank you for smiling, it really helped.
Max Bialystock: [walking over to a bust of Shakespeare] Well, you know what they say: "Smile and the world smiles with you!" Hahahaha-
[undertones to the bust]
Max Bialystock: This man should be in a straitjacket.
[pause]
Max Bialystock: What?
[pause]
Max Bialystock: Don't argue with me, you piece of-!
[he slaps the bust angrily, and turns to Leo again, speaking calmly]
Max Bialystock: Feeling better?
Leo Bloom: [suppressing laughter] Yes.
Max Bialystock: Good. That makes three of us.

Leo Bloom: [sung] I wanna be a producer... 'Cause it's everything I'm not
Accountants: [sung] Unhappy... unhappy... So unhappy
Leo and Accountants: [sung] Very very very very very very very...
Accountants: [sung] Sad.
Leo Bloom: [sung] I wanna be a producer...
[spoken]
Leo Bloom: Hold everything! What I am I doing here? Mr. Bialystock was right! There is a lot more to me than there is to me! Stop the world, I wanna get on!
Mr. Marks: Bloom, where do you think you're going? You've already had your toilet break.
Leo Bloom: I'm not going in the toilet... I'm going in SHOW BUSINESS! Mr. Marks, I've got news for you. I quit! And you're right about one thing... You are a CPA - a Certified Public ASSHOLE! Here's my visor... my Dixon Ticonderoga number two pencil... and my big finish!
Leo Bloom: [sung] I'm gonna be a producer Sound the horn and beat the drum I'm gonna be a producer Look out Broadway, here I come!
Chorus Girls and Accountants: [sung] Broadway, here he comes!