Owen Wilson credited as playing...
John Beckwith
- Jeremy Grey: I didn't get a lot of sleep last night.
- John Beckwith: Soft mattress?
- Jeremy Grey: Yeah, it could have been the soft mattress. Or the midnight rape. Or the nude gay art show that took place in my room. One of those probably added to the lack of sleep.
- John Beckwith: Don't waste your time on girls with hats. They tend to be very proper.
- Jeremy Grey: Yeah? Well, the proper girl in the hat just eye-fucked the shit out of me.
- [people in the next row turn round and stare at Jeremy]
- John Beckwith: Why don't you say it a little louder? I don't think the priest heard you.
- John Beckwith: I'd like to be pimps from Oakland or cowboys from Arizona but it's not Halloween. Grow up Peter Pan, Count Chocula.
- John Beckwith: You know how they say we only use 10 percent of our brains? I think we only use 10 percent of our hearts.
- John Beckwith: Claire's mom just made me grab her hooters.
- Jeremy Grey: Well snap out of it! What, a hot older women made you feel her cans? Stop crying like a little girl.
- John Beckwith: I wasn't crying like a little girl.
- Jeremy Grey: Why don't you try getting jacked off under the table in front of the whole damn family and have some real problems, jackass. Hey, what were they like anyway? They looked pretty good, are they real? Are they built for speed or comfort? What'd you do with them? Motorboat? You play the motorboat?
- [makes sputtering motorboat noise]
- Jeremy Grey: You motorboatin son of a bitch! You old sailor you! Where is she? She still in the house?
- John Beckwith: What's wrong with you?
- Jeremy Grey: What do you mean "what's wrong with me?" What's wrong with you?
- John Beckwith: No, what's wrong with you?
- Jeremy Grey: No, what's wrong with you? You're projecting!
- John Beckwith: Drop it.
- Jeremy Grey: You drop it! You stop projecting on me! Why don't you go enjoy yourself while I go ice my balls and spit up blood.
- John Beckwith: Drop it!
- [starts walking away]
- Jeremy Grey: Team player!
- John Beckwith: Claire! Will you wait just a second? All I wanted is was a second alone with you so I could explain things. But I've never gotten that chance. Maybe I don't deserve it, so here goes. For longer than I care to remember, my business has been crashing weddings. I crashed weddings to meet girls. Business was good. I met a *lot* of girls. It was childish and it was juvenile.
- Claire Cleary: And pathetic.
- John Beckwith: Yeah. That's probably the best word to describe it. But you know what? It also led me to you, so it's hard for me to completely regret it. And that person that you met back at your folks' place? That was really me. Maybe not my name, I'm John Beckwith by the way. Or my job. But the feelings we felt; the jokes, the stupid laughs, that was all me. I've changed. I've realized something. I crashed a funeral today.
- Jeremy Grey: [mutters] Oh Jesus.
- John Beckwith: It wasn't my idea, I was basically dragged to it.
- [to Jeremy]
- John Beckwith: I went with Chazz who you forgot to tell me is totally insane. He also might be a genius because it actually does work, he's cleaning up.
- Claire Cleary: John!
- John Beckwith: I'm sorry, I'm sorry. That's neither here nor there. Anyway, I saw this widow and she's a wreck. She has just lost the person she loved the most in this world and I realized we're all going to lose the people we love. That's the way it is, but not me. Not right now. Because the person *I* love the most is standing right here and I'm not ready to lose you yet. Claire, I'm not standing here asking you to marry me, I'm just asking you not to marry *him* and maybe take a walk, take a chance.
- [Kathleen Cleary walks into John's bedroom, unbuttons her blouse and shows John her boobs]
- Kathleen Cleary: I just had my tits done. You like 'em?
- John Beckwith: [shocked] Those... seem like lovely tits.
- Kathleen Cleary: William doesn't give a shit about my tits.
- John Beckwith: Well, darn him. But Mrs. Cleary, this is pretty sudden...
- Kathleen Cleary: Oh, you been playing "Cat and Mouse" with me ever since you came here.
- John Beckwith: Mrs. Cleary, I don't...
- Kathleen Cleary: Call me Kat.
- John Beckwith: Okay, Kat.
- Kathleen Cleary: Call me "Kitty Kat".
- [growls]
- John Beckwith: Okay, Kitty Kat. This feels "borderline" inappropriate.
- [Kathleen walks closer to John]
- Kathleen Cleary: Feel them.
- John Beckwith: What?
- Kathleen Cleary: I said feel them!
- John Beckwith: Mrs. Cleary...
- Kathleen Cleary: Kitty Kat.
- John Beckwith: I'm sorry, Kitty Kat, are you out of your fucking mind?
- Kathleen Cleary: I'm not letting you out of this room until you feel them.
- [Completely hesitant and nervous, John feels her boobs; Kathleen moans softly]
- John Beckwith: Wow, they feel really nice. Real orb-like. It's amazing what they can do...
- [Kathleen shudders and puts her blouse back on]
- Kathleen Cleary: Pervert!
- [John has just referred to an aunt, only to be told by a guest that she is dead]
- Jeremy Grey: How many times you gonna do this shit? Rule #32: You don't commit to a relative unless you're absolutely positive they have a pulse.
- John Beckwith: Rule #16: Give me an up-to-date family tree. That was your mistake. You made me look like an idiot.
- Jeremy Grey: Rule #76: No excuses. Play like a champion!
- Chazz Reinhold: So how's my protégé?
- John Beckwith: Jeremy, believe it or not, is getting married!
- Chazz Reinhold: What? What an idiot! What a loser! Good! Good! More for you and me.
- John Beckwith: What are you doing? It's a game of touch football, every time I look over you're on your ass again.
- John Beckwith: Sorry I'm late.
- Jeremy Grey: No problem.
- John Beckwith: I'm sorry I called you white trash.
- Jeremy Grey: Apology accepted.
- John Beckwith: And I'm sorry I called you hillbilly. I don't even know what that means.
- Jeremy Grey: John, it's OK. Do you mind if I get married now?
- John Beckwith: That brings us to the question of frequent flyer miles.
- Mrs. Kroeger: I want them.
- John Beckwith: Know what we're gonna do? We're gonna split them right down the middle. How would that be, Mr Kroeger?
- Mr. Kroeger: It would be not good at all. I earned those miles.
- Mrs. Kroeger: Yeah, you earned them flying to Denver to meet your whore.
- Mr. Kroeger: She's not afraid to express herself sexually if that's what you mean.
- Mrs. Kroeger: She's a stripper, for God's sake.
- Mr. Kroeger: She is not.
- Mrs. Kroeger: Her name is Chastity. She is white trash, same as you. Hillbilly!
- John Beckwith: You better lock it up.
- Jeremy Grey: No, you lock it up!
- John Beckwith: You lock it up!
- Jeremy Grey: You lock it up!
- John Beckwith: You lock it up!
- Jeremy Grey: Lock it up!
- John Beckwith: [to a group of children at a wedding] Love doesn't exist, that's what I'm trying to tell you guys. And I'm not picking on love, 'cause I don't think friendship exists either.
- John Beckwith: Secretary Cleary, I'm John Ryan.
- Secretary Cleary: Hi, John.
- John Beckwith: I just wanted to tell you how much I enjoyed your position paper on economic expansion in Micronesia.
- Secretary Cleary: You've read my position paper?
- John Beckwith: I read it while I was sailing my boat to Bermuda.
- Secretary Cleary: A sailor? Good man! Take a seat. You didn't happen to catch my speech on the Paraguayan debt and money supply issue did you?
- John Beckwith: Are you kidding me? I thought it was great! Your argument for the inverse ratio of capitalization to debt was genius. Now if we could just get Congress not to be so short-sighted.
- Secretary Cleary: Yes! Well put. Short-sighted. John, what d'you say we head onto the deck and light up a couple of cigars?
- John Beckwith: Stogies?
- Secretary Cleary: Yeah.
- John Beckwith: Why not?
- Sack Lodge: What's this, uh, company called?
- Jeremy Grey: [Screaming because Gloria is secretly masturbating him to the end; climaxing] HOLY SHI...
- John Beckwith: [Thinking fast] Shirts and Pants! Holy Shirts and Pants. It's a little corny and obvious, but what do you get out of being subtle, right?
- Jeremy Grey: Have you even shot one of these things before?
- John Beckwith: The whole 17 years we've known each other I've been sneaking off to go on little hunting trips around the world. No, I don't even know what the fuck a quail is!
- Jeremy Grey: I feel totally ridiculous. Like why do I have to be in camouflage? So the big bad quail doesn't see me?
- John Beckwith: I know. Why can't we hunt something cool like a hawk or an eagle, something with some talons?
- Jeremy Grey: That'd be awesome. We could get something like big game. Even like a gorilla or a rhinoceros or a fucking human being! That'll get you jacked up.
- John Beckwith: That's a little heavy.
- Jeremy Grey: I mean like, hunt a human being right now, "Most Dangerous Game". Like a worthy adversary. Not a human being that's armed, but a clever, a clever, human being who knows the jungle. Or the woods.
- Claire Cleary: What is true love?
- John Beckwith: True love is your soul's recognition of its counterpoint in another.
- Claire Cleary: It's a little cheesy but I like it.
- John Beckwith: I read it on a bumper sticker!
- Sack Lodge: Claire, you get your fucking ass on that altar right now!
- John Beckwith: Wow, we're getting a great preview of what marriage is gonna be like with Ike Turner over here.
- Hindu Woman: [while dancing at a wedding reception] French Foreign Legion?
- John Beckwith: Yeah, we lost a lot of good men out there.
- [cut to another reception]
- Bridesmaid: Mount Everest?
- Jeremy Grey: I don't like to talk about it because we lost so many good men out there.
- [cut to another reception]
- John Beckwith: We lost so many good men out there.
- Bridesmaid: Playing with the Yankees?
- John Beckwith: Yes, with the Yankees you loose good men to trades and unruly fans. Look I don't want to talk about it. I'm sorry.