Michael Ian Black credited as playing...
Michael
- John: [the guys are getting ready to burn a baby. John runs in from nowhere] No! No!
- [grabs baby and throws it]
- Michael Ian Black: You asshole! That was our kindling!
- Michael Showalter: Hey, nifty spiral dude. Did you play college ball?
- David Wain: What's your name?
- John: John.
- David Wain: Oh, that's, that's a beautiful name.
- Michael Ian Black: Is that Navajo?
- Michael Showalter: Hey, hey, John, John. D-D-Did you ever suck a dog's dick?
- Pizza Guy: You think I'm some sloppy wet pussy for you to fuck? Is that what you think? You think I'm some sloppy wet pussy for you to fuck?
- Michael Ian Black: I don't think that.
- Michael Showalter: I don't think that.
- David Wain: I kind of think that.
- Michael Showalter: I'm starving. What's for lunch?
- David Wain: Michael, there's all sorts of delicious foods to be found in the woods if you just know where to look for them. Like, take a look at this.
- [gestures to frankfurters lying on the ground]
- Michael Showalter: Great, frankfurters! Let's make a fire and cook 'em.
- David Wain: Okay, you two go look for wood and meet back here in five minutes.
- Michael Ian Black: Okay, what are you gonna do?
- David Wain: I'm gonna stay here and rub one out.
- Michael Ian Black: Great.
- David Wain: I'm bored.
- [grabs knife and holds it to throat]
- Michael Showalter: David, wait!
- David Wain: But I'm bored.
- Michael: I'm bored too.
- [holds knife to David's throat]
- Michael Ian Black: Hey, look what I found on the street, a kitty cat.
- [holds up cat]
- David Wain: Look at him! He's so cute!
- Michael Showalter: What's his name?
- Michael Ian Black: I thought we could call him Flava Flav.
- Michael Showalter: Oh, like the rapper?
- Michael Ian Black: No, my grandfather's name was Flava Flav.
- Michael Ian Black: [trying to rake leaves, but holding rake upside down] It's not working!
- Michael Showalter: [putting leaves in a manila envelope] This will take me forever. The bag is too small.
- David Wain: [raking a tree trunk] Where are the leaves anyway? I feel like I'm in hell.
- Michael Ian Black: [Mother Nature appears] Mother Nature!
- Michael Showalter: [whispers] Mother of God!
- David Wain: Mother I'd like to fuck!
- Michael Ian Black: I like your jeans, Mother Nature.
- Mother Nature: How's the yard work going boys?
- Michael Showalter: Raking leaves is a lot harder than we thought it would be.
- David Wain: [holding up two wine glasses and a bottle of wine] Would you like to have a drink with me?
- Mother Nature: [holding wine glass] You need to be at one with nature. Maybe this will help.
- [snaps fingers]
- Mother Nature: ["Don't Tell Me" by Madonna starts playing]
- Michael Ian Black: Madonna!
- Michael Showalter: I love this song.
- [the guys are writing a letter to Santa]
- Michael Showalter: Okay, here it is. Tell me what you think, you guys. Dear Santa...
- Michael Ian Black: [interrupting] No, no, no. I mean, you're not on a first name basis with the guy.
- Michael Showalter: [crumpling letter] Oh, God! You know what, Mike? I have just about really had it up to here with your condescension. You write it!
- Michael Ian Black: [writing letter] Dear Kris Kringle...
- David Wain: [interrupting] No, no, no. That's way too formal. We want him to think we're cool.
- Michael Ian Black: [crumpling letter] Oh, just screw it, okay? I am sick to death of trying to please you, you fucking kike! You write it!
- David Wain: [writing letter] What's up, dude?
- Michael Ian Black: Perfect.
- Santa: [cut to Santa reading the letter] What's up, dude? These guys are pretty cool.
- Michael Showalter: Hey Mike... is that your final answer?
- David Wain: Suddenly I'm here with Regis! Right there!
- Michael Ian Black: Hey hey hey... I'd like to use a lifeline.
- Michael Showalter: Hey hey hey... don't do that. Wouldn't be prudent.
- Michael Ian Black: That was great, we should use that for STELLA.
- Michael Showalter: (turns to camera)We Just did.
- Michael Ian Black: Whoa whoa whoa hold on guys hold on. We don't want a problem here, nobody wants a problem. Now I think the way to resolve this is maybe for you and your friends to go home and suck on your momma's flabby tit. How 'bout that?
- Baseball Player #3: Oh, you're dead... you're all dead.
- David Wain: [shouts] You're the one who's gonna be dead, motherfucker! You're the ones, motherfucker!
- Michael Showalter: So, how was the assfucking?
- Michael Ian Black: I thought it really hurt. She cut me right in half.
- David Wain: Hey, Mike! If you need us, we're gonna be in the bedroom makin' stains.
- Girl #2: Oh my God! He's gonna off himself!
- Michael Ian Black: Michael, this is a really bad time for this!
- Michael Showalter: Well I'm sorry.
- David Wain: Sorry's not good enough dickweed! These girls, they want us to put it in their butt.
- Michael Showalter: Fine, I'll make the coffee.
- Michael Showalter: I'm really happy for you all. I just wish my day was as good as yours.
- Michael Ian Black: Well that's your problem. Fuck you!
- Michael: What is truth?
- Michael Showalter: A leaf on a tree.
- Michael: The sound of waves hitting the side of a boat.
- David Wain: I can suck my own dick!