Adam Sandler credited as playing...
Paul Crewe
- Switowski: He broke-ded my nose
- Paul 'Wrecking' Crewe: Let me try to fix that.
- [Crewe fixes his nose]
- Switowski: How do I look?
- Caretaker: Much better, like a young Michael Jackson.
- Switowski: I love little Michael.
- Switowski: Will you teach me to football?
- Paul 'Wrecking' Crewe: Sure, I'll teach you to football.
- Caretaker: I'll teach you anything. Just don't eat me.
- Paul 'Wrecking' Crewe: Huddle up! Look, I'm sure you already know this, but I've never said it out loud. I *did* throw that game. I did it. I was in a bad way with some worse people. After I did it, I felt so shitty, I wish I would have just let them kill me instead. Now the warden wants to pin Caretaker's murder on me if I don't throw *this* game. So it looks like I'm going to get to know you guys a lot better because I aint doing that twice in a lifetime. We got a little time left. We can still do this. I'm begging you. Put your hands in here. Ok, thank you. Who are we?
- [Team shouts, "Mean Machine!", and takes the field]
- Turley: I'm glad you're back. Now I don't have to stab you.
- Brucie: How come I cant be kicker? I was all state!
- Paul 'Wrecking' Crewe: All right let's see what you got.
- Paul 'Wrecking' Crewe: [kicks ball along the ground] ... that's why you dumbass.
- Joey Battle: Wow no bullshit! Real football, against the guards?
- Coach Nate Scarborough: Full contact.
- Joey Battle: Captain Knauer is the quarterback?
- Caretaker: Yep.
- Joey Battle: So I get to tackle him?
- Paul 'Wrecking' Crewe: Yeah, you can either tackle him or you can hit him over the head with that *hammer*.
- Joey Battle: [looks down at his crotch] I wanna hurt him, not kill him.
- Caretaker: Lets get outta here before that thing bites someone!
- Paul 'Wrecking' Crewe: Alright we'll see you and your pet iguana at practice.
- Paul 'Wrecking' Crewe: You play football?
- Caretaker: Me? No. I sucked so bad, they used to pick *after* the white kids. Used to be mad to be like, "Man, I can't believe I picked a nigga that can't play!"
- Paul 'Wrecking' Crewe: [on TV after he crashes his girlfriend's car] Hey, Lena, I think we should start seeing other people!
- Walt: [watching on TV with Lena] I think I'm in love.
- [after inmates score touchdown on trick play]
- Guard Lambert: Is that legal?
- Paul 'Wrecking' Crewe: Yes, it is.
- Guard Lambert: Is that a touchdown?
- Paul 'Wrecking' Crewe: Yes, it is.
- Guard Lambert: Oh, goddamn it!
- Paul 'Wrecking' Crewe: [drinking a toast with Caretaker] Here's to the first friend I've had in I-don't-know-how-long
- Switowski: I thought I was your friend, Paul.
- Paul 'Wrecking' Crewe: You are my friend, Switowski. Just finish your coloring book and go to sleep.
- Switowski: OK.
- Captain Knauer: [after Crewe starts fight in lunch room] Stand up Crewe! You think you can do anything don't you... well you're no different than any other piece of shit that calls this place home...
- Paul 'Wrecking' Crewe: Really they all think you're a dumb redneck too?
- Paul 'Wrecking' Crewe: [Knauer takes a swing at Crewe with his night-stick amd Crewe catches it] You should really start cutting that shit out it's gettin old...
- Captain Knauer: That's gonna cost ya...
- Paul 'Wrecking' Crewe: Looking forward to it...
- Joey Battle: Wow, no bullshit! Football, against the guards?
- Coach Nate Scarborough: Yep, full contact.
- Joey Battle: Captain Knauer is the quarterback?
- Caretaker: Yep.
- Joey Battle: So I get to tackle him?
- Paul 'Wrecking' Crewe: Yeah, either that you can hit him over the head with that hammer.
- Joey Battle: I wanna hurt him, not kill him.
- Caretaker: Lets get outta here before that thing bites someone!
- Caretaker: Look in your toilet, I left you a surprise.
- Paul 'Wrecking' Crewe: You took a shit in my toilet?
- Caretaker: No, that's what I left in Brucey's toilet.
- Paul 'Wrecking' Crewe: [On the last play of the first half] Do you assholes remember that play we practiced in the mud?
- Deacon Moss: What are you talking about? That was some schoolyard bullshit!
- Paul 'Wrecking' Crewe: Yeah, let's try some schoolyard bullshit!
- Switowski: [after Turley breaks his nose] I think he did it on purpose!
- Paul 'Wrecking' Crewe: No, he didn't do it on puropse...
- [glances over at Turley]
- Paul 'Wrecking' Crewe: Okay maybe he did.
- Paul 'Wrecking' Crewe: [after being pulled over by cops] Hey, you can finish that one... I've got five more. Take care guys.
- Big Ears Cop: ...shit happens.
- Paul 'Wrecking' Crewe: Shit does happen. I mean, look what happened to your ears.
- Paul 'Wrecking' Crewe: [to Caretaker] Hey, let's have a maniacal pillow fight tonight! That should boost your rating!
- Skitchy Rivers: Yeah, and we can sell it to Pay-Per-View - Superstar vs. Half-a-Star.