Frank Middlemass: Bernard

Mrs Caldicot's Cabbage War

Bernard

[Hawksmoor bursts in on the residents and some of the nurses dancing while Bernard plays the organ, in memory of Edith who died earlier on]
Bernard: Uh-oh. Bandit at nine o'clock.
Hawksmoor: [picks up a bottle of wine] Clear this drink away. Where's Matron? Lost your tongues, have you? Whose idea was this?
Thelma Caldicot: It's Edith's wake. We felt she needed a good send off.
Hawksmoor: Who says so?
Thelma Caldicot: I do.
Bernard: So do I.
[others join in, supporting Thelma]
Thelma Caldicot: It's all right, folks. I take full responsibility. I felt it was something you would have organised, had you been here.
Hawksmoor: Don't you be clever with me. I want you packed and out of this place first thing in the morning.
Bernard: You can't do that. If she goes, so do I.
Thelma Caldicot: [sighing] Oh, you can't, Bernard. You've got nowhere to go. And this miserable bugger knows it.
Hawksmoor: [walking away] Before breakfast, Mrs Caldicot.
Thelma Caldicot: Just a minute. Oh, I *am* leaving, because I don't belong here. In fact, none of us belongs here in your second-rate, overpriced knacker's yard. And we don't need you or our relatives to tell us when we're ready for the scrap heap. *We'll* decide that. Do you know, I spent 40 years of my life under the boot of a mean-spirited tyrant just like you. And I'm not going to let it happen again.
[she turns to all the other residents]
Thelma Caldicot: Good night, folks.
Everyone: Good night. Thank you.

[a nurse has just witnessed sounds of passionate love-making followed by Hawksmoor and then Matron leaving the room with their clothing in disarray; Hawksmoor now comes into the dining room where Thelma, Bernard, Leslie, Joyce and Audrey are sitting with their arms folded, disgusted at being served cabbage yet again]
Hawksmoor: What is going on?
[no-one answers him]
Hawksmoor: [to Audrey] Miss Nightingale, why aren't you eating?
Hawksmoor: [to Leslie] Mr Hewitt?
Hawksmoor: [to Thelma] Is this your influence, Mrs Caldicot?
[still no-one answers him; they all sit with their arms folded, steadfastly refusing to eat]
Hawksmoor: What exactly is the problem?
Thelma Caldicot: It's rubbish. That's the problem.
Hawksmoor: This is perfectly balanced dietary cuisine.
Thelma Caldicot: Oh. Would you like to joins us?
Hawksmoor: [to Bernard] Mr Livingstone.
Bernard: I'm with Mrs Caldicot.
Leslie: So am I.
Joyce: So am I.
Audrey: And me.
Hawksmoor: [patronisingly] A missed meal can cause serious medical problems. I hope you're prepared to take on that responsiblity.
[they exchange glances and reluctantly start to eat]
Hawksmoor: Thank you.
[Hawksmoor turns to leave the room]
Bernard: Commander?
Hawksmoor: Yes?
Bernard: You're flying low, old boy.
Hawksmoor: What?
[Thelma turns to look at Hawksmoor, and smirks. Hawksmoor checks his fly and discovers that it is unzipped from his earlier "encounter" with the Matron]
Thelma Caldicot, Audrey, Joyce, Leslie, Bernard: [laugh]

Bernard: Hewitt and I have been considering you very carefully, Mrs Caldicot.
Thelma Caldicot: Have you now?
Bernard: And we are agreed that you should be asked to join our escape committee.
Thelma Caldicot: How many have you got?
Bernard: Just Hewitt and me. I'm the brains, he's the brawn.
Leslie: So he reckons.
Thelma Caldicot: So what's the plan?
Bernard: Tunnelling was the favoured option... and then Hewitt here went and lost the bloody trowel.
Thelma Caldicot: So now what?
Bernard: Well, currently we have a plan to kidnap two of the nurses, take their uniforms, and then leave in disguise.
Thelma Caldicot: I think I've seen the film.
Bernard: Yes. Well, of course, we realised that we might not get very far before somebody spotted something suspicious, but... well, it would be a breath of fresh air for us.
Leslie: Now you see why we need some new ideas.