Anna Faris credited as playing...
Cindy
- Ross Giggins: Turning now to sports...
- [Cindy types new text for the teleprompter]
- Ross Giggins: and an evil video tape that kills anyone who watches it in seven days. It's true. We're all in danger. There's an alien force that's trying prevent you from knowing the truth.
- Carson Ward: Oh, no. Campbell, are you insane?
- Ross Giggins: It's a horrible fate.
- Cindy: Carson, I have to do this.
- [Ward types his text]
- Ross Giggins: Correction, there really is no danger. Actually, I didn't really mean anything I just said. Yes, I did. Every word of it. Everyone watching this could be dead in a week.
- [everybody's fighting over the telemprompter keyboard, the janitor sits on it]
- Ross Giggins: Oh, shizl gzngahr, % + 7, , 193419 ckin etd vaus erstn gubl chn q shnitzi guorsn blkn , , 18 469
- [Janitor takes over the keyboard]
- Ross Giggins: I been cleanin' after this dumb-ass cracker Giggins for ten years, but I been hittin' it with his woman for twelve. Know what I'm sayin', nigga? She likes her some chocolate. Sharpton for President y'all. I'm outie. Peace.
- [on the phone]
- Cindy: Hello?
- Tabitha's Voice: [indistinct] Seven days.
- Cindy: What? Willie Mays?
- Tabitha's Voice: [indistinct] Seven days.
- Cindy: Who's gay? Hello?
- Tabitha's Voice: [indistinct] Seven days.
- Cindy: What?
- Tabitha's Voice: Can you hear me now?
- Cindy: Kind of.
- Tabitha's Voice: Can you hear me now?
- Cindy: Yes. Perfect.
- Tabitha's Voice: Seven days.
- Cindy: Seven days. Oh, my God. I'm gonna die next Monday?
- Tabitha's Voice: Yes. No. Wait. Monday. That would be seven business days. This is seven days starting now.
- Cindy: So seven days to this very hour? My watch broke. How am I gonna know the exact hour?
- Tabitha's Voice: Forget hours. This day seven days from now.
- Cindy: But there's a holiday coming up. Do you count the holiday?
- Tabitha's Voice: Well, that depends. What holiday?
- Cindy: Martin Luther King Day.
- Tabitha's Voice: Then no.
- Cindy: Why not? Everybody at work is taking it off.
- Tabitha's Voice: Jesus Christ, lady. I'm giving you seven friggin' days. I can come over now and kill the shit out of you if you'd rather have that.
- [the phone rings after Cody watches the tape]
- Cindy: Hello?
- Tabitha's Voice: It's me. How you doing?
- Cindy: Fine.
- Tabitha's Voice: Enjoying your last week? I can't wait to see you. Six days now, right?
- Cindy: Yeah.
- Tabitha's Voice: It was great catching up. Can I speak to Cody?
- Cindy: Why? He didn't watch the tape.
- Tabitha's Voice: Yes, he did. Come on, Cindy, I do this for a living.
- [Cindy hangs up. The phone rings again]
- Cindy: Hello?
- Tabitha's Voice: Hello, I'm calling from "Reader's Digest" with a fantastic offer for Cody.
- [Snickering]
- Cindy: No, you're not! You're that evil little girl from the tape!
- Tabitha's Voice: [Laughs] Okay, you got me. How about I just leave a message for him?
- Cindy: Fine.
- [Writes the message down]
- Cindy: Uh-huh. Yeah. Okay, how do you spell that? Right. Okay, got it. Bye-bye.
- [Holds the paper up, reading SEVEN DAYS]
- Cindy: Aaaah!
- [Cindy comes home after leaving George to watch Cody and finds George sleeping on the table]
- Cindy: Oh my God! What happened?
- George: I don't know... we were play this great game, then I looked down and...
- [He looks down at his dice]
- George: Yahtzee!
- [He stands up and bangs his head on the shelf, knocking himself out]
- Cindy: Cody, did I ever tell you what your mom said about you the day you were born?
- Cody: No.
- Cindy: I was in the delivery room with her. She was having a hard time. Then you began to come out of her. And your mom screamed and screamed in pain. She yelled, "Just kill me. Bludgeon me with a bedpan. Whatever you do, put me out of this pain." She was gushing torrents of blood. I have this all on tape if you want to see it someday. Well, finally you came out. Your mom cut your umbilical cord herself. Well, on the second try. The first time she snipped your penis in half. After all, she was drunk. Actually, drugged. We'd been out the night before celebrating St. Patrick's Day. And she thought, "Hey, I never tasted crystal meth." So she did just a little.
- Cody: My penis?
- Cindy: Yes. They sewed it on upside down.
- Cody: So that's why I pee up?
- Cindy: Yes. We'll get it fixed, honey. It's on my list of things. Right after we get TiVo. Anyway, there you were. Your mom turned to me and she said, "Hey, you want him? Take him." And then she died. And I took you. Do you know why? I'd just lost my cat in a fire, and I needed something to pet and feed. And I miss that cat, Cody. But I love you. And nothing's ever gonna change that, not even the very painful death we're about to experience.
- Mr. Meeks: These just came today. Photos from a trip she took.
- [passes them to Cindy]
- Cindy: [Cindy flicks through photos] They're blank.
- Mrs. Meeks: Turn them around, honey.
- Cindy: Oh.
- Cindy: Call it women's intuition, or ESPN, or both, but I can tell when danger's near...
- [hits her head on a microphone hanging from the ceiling]
- Brenda Meeks: [the TV is acting weird and turns on after Brenda turns it off. Finally she unplugs and when it turns on again, it shows a creepy black and white image of Tabitha getting out of a well] Oh, come on. Cindy, the news is on! Another little white girl done fell down a well. Fifty black people got they ass beat by police today, but the whole world gotta stop for one little whitey down the hole.
- [the TV starts leaking]
- Brenda Meeks: Cindy, the TV's leaking. Cindy... Cindy something's wrong here.
- [Tabitha comes out slowly as Brenda backs away. Tabitha empties her ears with water]
- Brenda Meeks: Cindy, this bitch is messin' up my floor!
- [Tabitha creeps slowly for Brenda]
- Brenda Meeks: Cindy, Help me!
- Cindy: [Cindy is busy in the kitchen and is refusing to believe Brenda after she tricked her so many times] I'm not listening.
- Brenda Meeks: [Tabitha gets closer to Brenda when Brenda punches her down] Get up you little ugly bitch. C'mon, let me see what you got. What you gonna do?
- [Tabitha gets up and starts swinging at Brenda while Brenda holds her back by her hair]
- Brenda Meeks: That's all?
- [Grabs Tabitha and punches her down]
- Brenda Meeks: Oooh, I'm whippin' her ass, Cindy! Yeah, wassup?
- [re: the killer video]
- Cindy: And it's been circulating and killing ever since.
- The Architect: Just like Pootie Tang.
- Cindy: I'm looking for something more than just good sex.
- Brenda Meeks: I know. You want commitment.
- Cindy: No, I want great sex.
- Brenda Meeks: I saw this tape, and I think you should know about it. It had these really shocking images on it.
- Cindy: Brenda, it was Mardi Gras, I never drank Vodka before, and I was outta beads!
- Brenda Meeks: No, not that tape Cindy. Anyway, you watch the tape, and when it's over, your phone rings. And this creepy voice says, "You're Gonna Die In Seven Days", and seven days later...
- Cindy: When did you watch it?
- Brenda Meeks: A week ago. A week ago, tonight.
- Cindy: [Brenda's nose is bleeding] Brenda!
- [Cindy hands her tampon,and Brenda starts choking, but then starts laughing]
- Cindy: .
- Cindy: Oh my God, you bitch!
- Brenda Meeks: [about the fake blood] Ketchup!
- Cindy: Oh, you got me!
- [Brenda laughs, but starts having a seizure, and falls over the couch. She stands up, still shaking and foaming at the mouth. She laughs]
- Brenda Meeks: I can't believe you fell for that fake seizure!
- Cindy: But it seemed so real!
- Brenda Meeks: It did didn't it?
- Cindy: And you peed!
- [We see a puddle on the rug]
- Brenda Meeks: Yeah! I really sold that shit, didn't I? I just love the look on your face when you are scared, girl! You are too easy!
- [Her hand catches on fire, and she throws water on it. She removes a fake hand from her sleeve, laughing]
- Brenda Meeks: . I got you with the old fake hand! I'm gonna get the rest of the popcorn...
- Cindy: So can you tell me about...
- Aunt Shaneequa: The tape?
- Cindy: Yes. I watched it and...
- Aunt Shaneequa: The phone rang.
- Cindy: Right. Then this voice said...
- Aunt Shaneequa: That you would die in seven days.
- Cindy: Okay, that's getting...
- Aunt Shaneequa: Extremely annoying.
- Cindy: Yeah.
- Orpheus: Try being married to her. I catch shit about women I ain't slept with yet.
- Carson Ward: It's sweeps month. Ratings mean everything. People want human interest stories, like the one you did yesterday.
- Cindy: The report on breast augmentation? It was just ten minutes of topless women. People want hard hitting stories, and indepth coverage, and, and...
- Carson Ward: And TWINS.
- [news room suddenly converts into nightclub and the Coors Light twins appear]
- George: So, I'll be doing the rap battle at the 23 Club tomorrow night.
- Brenda Meeks: Oh, I don't believe this shit.
- George: Word! You two should come down! I'll be rappin', I'll be cappin', I'll be tappin', I'll be flappin', I'll be happen... ing. Ding, bing, wing. Yo!
- Cindy: Sounds good!
- George: Would, could, should, 'hood.
- Brenda Meeks: Ugh!
- George: Gug, mug, dug, bug.
- Mrs. Meeks: If only God had taken us instead of our daughter.
- Cindy: And knowing your Brenda like I did, I'd say she wishes the same thing.