Timothy Stack credited as playing...
Carson Ward
- Ross Giggins: Turning now to sports...
- [Cindy types new text for the teleprompter]
- Ross Giggins: and an evil video tape that kills anyone who watches it in seven days. It's true. We're all in danger. There's an alien force that's trying prevent you from knowing the truth.
- Carson Ward: Oh, no. Campbell, are you insane?
- Ross Giggins: It's a horrible fate.
- Cindy: Carson, I have to do this.
- [Ward types his text]
- Ross Giggins: Correction, there really is no danger. Actually, I didn't really mean anything I just said. Yes, I did. Every word of it. Everyone watching this could be dead in a week.
- [everybody's fighting over the telemprompter keyboard, the janitor sits on it]
- Ross Giggins: Oh, shizl gzngahr, % + 7, , 193419 ckin etd vaus erstn gubl chn q shnitzi guorsn blkn , , 18 469
- [Janitor takes over the keyboard]
- Ross Giggins: I been cleanin' after this dumb-ass cracker Giggins for ten years, but I been hittin' it with his woman for twelve. Know what I'm sayin', nigga? She likes her some chocolate. Sharpton for President y'all. I'm outie. Peace.
- Carson Ward: It's sweeps month. Ratings mean everything. People want human interest stories, like the one you did yesterday.
- Cindy: The report on breast augmentation? It was just ten minutes of topless women. People want hard hitting stories, and indepth coverage, and, and...
- Carson Ward: And TWINS.
- [news room suddenly converts into nightclub and the Coors Light twins appear]
- Carson Ward: And I told you, Campbell, no more paranoid on-air rants about the supernatural.
- Cindy: I know. This station is about sex, violence, and the weather.
- Carson Ward: Yes. That reminds me. We're gonna need that "Porn Star Shot Dead in a Hurricane" story.
- [Anchor on the air]
- Ross Giggins: Meanwhile, a tornado in Charleston threatens a clothing-optional beach where just yesterday a naked couple was brutally murdered. This just five miles from where the last naked couple was brutally murdered.