Billy Bob Thornton credited as playing...
Willie
- Kid: What are their names?
- Willie: Who?
- Kid: The Elves.
- Willie: Shit, I can't remember, I think one of them is Sneezy and there's a Dopey...
- Kid: That's the seven dwarfs!
- Willie: You're shittin' me? I thought... I was thinking there was a... I don't know! Fuck, kid; I just call them you know Bub, I call them... I say hey Bub or Chief or whatever the fuck, I tell them to make the god dammed toys.
- Willie: What the FUCK is wrong with you? I can't remember this shit. Does everything with you have to be a fucking test?
- Kid: How old are they?
- Willie: You know, I think I've turned a corner.
- Marcus: Yeah? You fucking petites now?
- Willie: No, I'm not talking about that. I beat the shit out of some kids today. But it was for a purpose. It made me feel good about myself. It was like I did something constructive with my life or something, I dunno, like I accomplished something.
- Marcus: You need many years of therapy. Many, many fuckin' years of therapy.
- Marcus: It won't happen again. I can promise you that. Willie here has low blood sugar. That's all.
- Willie: That's right. I forgot to take my pill.
- Bob Chipeska: It's not just the swearing. Forgive me for prying, but did one of you, um, fornicate...
- Willie: Fornicate?
- Bob Chipeska: Yes. With a heavy-set woman in the big-and-tall dressing room?
- Willie: Look, I've boned a lot of fat chicks in my time, sure. But, as far back as I can remember, I've never fornicated anybody.
- Bob Chipeska: Yes... Well, even still, I think it's best for all parties considered if we...
- Marcus: If we what?
- Bob Chipeska: Well, I have somebody else interested in the position.
- Willie: Before you do something stupid you might want to think about this shit.
- Bob Chipeska: What are you talking about?
- Willie: I'm talking about firing a little black midget. A small, colored, African-American small person. That's what I'm talking about. I'm talking about your face all over goddamn USA Today, that's what I'm talking about. I'm talking about 150 of these little motherfuckers all over the sidewalk out there. Holding picket signs and using bullhorns and shit like that. Screaming and hollering your name out. Unfair practices, get me?
- Bob Chipeska: Oh no, this is not a handicapped thing. I have nothing against you people.
- Willie: You people? Did you hear that Marcus? He said 'You People.'
- Marcus: Who the hell is us people?
- Bob Chipeska: No... He said... But... what... No no. Um, I think it's best if we just forget we had this conversation.
- Willie: Good thinking. And don't worry about us. We'll be fine. Let's get the hell out of here Marcus.
- [Willie and Marcus get up to leave as Willie turns back to Bob]
- Willie: You're pathetic.
- Hindustani Troublemaker: I am not gay!
- Willie: What the hell, buddy.
- Hindustani Troublemaker: Buddy? I said I am not gay!
- Willie: Are you off your fucking meds or something?
- Hindustani Troublemaker: Yes. But that isn't what this is about. You're as queer as a ten dollar bill.
- Willie: Let me tell you something, motherfucker. My brother lost a goddamn arm fighting you fuckers in Vietnam. So I want you to look at me. I want you to look at my face one last fucking time. This is the last thing you're ever gonna see before I...
- Hindustani Troublemaker: [grabs Willie and pins him against the car] Elf fucker! Motherfucker. Elf fucker! Who's the bitch now, Santy Claus? Faggy Claus! Faggy...
- Kid: Leave Santa alone!
- Hindustani Troublemaker: Little boy, don't interfere. I am doing this for all of us.
- Kid: Leave Santa alone!
- Hindustani Troublemaker: [Willie pulls free. Hindustani Troublemaker turns to leave] Ass clown.
- Willie: Things are fucked up at the North Pole. Mrs. Claus caught me fucking her sister, now I'm out on my ass.
- Marcus: How much?
- Gin: Half.
- Willie: No fucking way...
- Marcus: Just back off, Will, I got this. I got this! Okay, 30%. That's three of us. 30%, that's fair.
- Gin: Half.
- Marcus: I meant 33%.
- Gin: I meant half.
- Marcus: And 1/3.
- Gin: Half.
- Marcus: 35%.
- Gin: Half.
- Marcus: 40%.
- Gin: Half.
- Marcus: 42%.
- Gin: [Mouthing] Half.
- Marcus: Um... 45%.
- Gin: [Pretends to think about it] Half.
- Marcus: 48%?
- Gin: [In British accent] Half.
- Marcus: 49%!
- Gin: Half.
- Willie: Well, what's one point?
- Kid: Why do you need a car?
- Willie: What the fuck are you talking about?
- Kid: This car.
- Willie: Which turn is it?
- Kid: Sage Terrace. Where's your sleigh?
- Willie: It's in the shop, getting repaired.
- Kid: Where are the reindeer?
- Willie: I stabled them. Is it left or right?
- Kid: That way. Where's the stable?
- Willie: Next to the shop.
- Kid: How do they sleep?
- Willie: Who? The reindeer? Standing up.
- Kid: But the noise. How do they sleep?
- Willie: What noise?
- Kid: From the shop.
- Willie: They only work during the day, all right?
- Kid: I thought it was always night at the North Pole.
- Willie: Well, not now. Right now it's always day.
- Kid: Then how do they sleep?
- Willie: Oh, shit. Sage Terrace. What is it with you, anyway? Somebody drop you on your fucking head?
- Kid: On *my* head?
- Willie: Well, yeah. What, are they gonna drop you on somebody else's head?
- Kid: How can they drop me onto my own head?
- Willie: No, not *onto* your... Would... God damn it! Are you fucking with me?
- Woman in Food Court: Look who's here! It's Santa! Tell Santa what you want for Christmas!
- Willie: [yelling] I'm on my fucking lunch break, OK?
- Woman in Food Court: The manager's going to hear about this.
- Willie: You think you're a threat? You think you can make my fucking life any worse? Go ahead, take a shot!
- Willie: [narrating] I've been to prison once, I've been married - twice. I was once drafted by Lyndon Johnson and had to live in shit-ass Mexico for 2 1/2 years for no reason. I've had my eye socket punched in, a kidney taken out and I got a bone-chip in my ankle that's never gonna heal. I've seen some pretty shitty situations in my life, but nothing has ever sucked more ass than this!