Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter

This certainly was a B movie, you can tell that the budget was very small. It is quite surprising what they managed to accomplish with so little. I find it ironic that many of the blockbuster Hollywood pushes out these days are almost unwatchable despite huge multi million dollar budgets. I would say that before watching this movie I probably couldn't have named a B movie, but I'm glad I saw this one. The special effects and fighting are pretty terrible but, that gives it a lot of it's charm and makes for a really funny watch. I guess it could depend on your sense of humor but, I thought it was a really funny movie, well worth watching at least once.

Jesus returns to fight an army of lesbian vampires, atheists, and mad doctor and a confused white guy. Helping him are Mary Magnum and El Santos, the Saint of the Wrestling ring. A mix of funny characters and ridiculous fight scenes make this one of the coolest movies on the planet. If your into weird, sacrilegious humor, this movie is for you!

Low budget doesn't have to mean tacky. This is obviously a "B" movie in everything you see, but it has a certain charm. Sometimes, it is a musical, but it certainly isn't Jesus Christ Superstar. Sometimes, it is a Kung Fu movie, but it's nothing like Jet Li.

I was hoping that Jesus would get it on with Mary Magnum, looking as hot as Cat-woman in her red latex, and maybe give some credence to The Da Vinci Code, but no luck.

Jesus was too busy stopping the harvest of lesbians by the evil vampires. Of course, he was pathetic until he enlisted the help of Nacho Libre, well, really Santo Enmascarado de Plata. But, even then things got a little tight before it was all over.

Irreverent dialog makes for one crazy movie.

In JESUS CHRIST VAMPIRE HUNTER, those pesky bloodsuckers are up to their toothsome troublemaking once more. Thus, causing a severe lesbian shortage! Thankfully, Jesus (Phil Caracas) is nearby, and the battle is enjoined. Let the kung fu of righteousness begin!

Sporting a new, shorter hairdo, and a zip in his step, JCVH takes on the nefarious ne'er-do-wells of the night... and day! With an assist from Mary Magnum (Maria Moulton), the Savior cops some new threads and hits the street on Mary's two-wheeled mercy machine. The non-denominational duo soon discovers the lair of the eeevil Dr. Praetorious (Josh Grace) and his villainous vampire cohorts, Johnny Golgotha (Ian Driscoll) and Maxine Schreck (Murielle Varhelyi). Can these terrible, plasma-drinking tosspots possibly be defeated, before implementing their ultimate plan?

Enter Santos (Jeff Moffet), the marvelously masked, Mexican wrestler of miracles! Together, these soldiers of goodness shall certainly prevail! Behold! The Jesus drum solo / bar room, vampire slaughter fest! Witness! The junkyard tag team, all-out catastrophic karate, gut-slinging, pile-driving, soul-saving, car-hopping, heart-munching, undead-sizzling finale to end all finales! Hallelujah! Let! Us!! Pray!!!

P.S.- Fear not. Nothing serious lies herein...

I feel betrayed. Here we have Jesus Christ engaging in martial arts combat. With vampires. Lesbian vampires. While teaming with El Santo. How can you miss!? Well, you can miss when you have no talent to back the thing up. The acting just hurt, the fight scenes were slow and dully choreographed, and the rendition of Santo was just depressing. It shows that some times a small budget can really hurt a movie.

The pacing is terrible--there is no sense of urgency at all and many actions aren't explained at all. Like I said, the plot is fantastic, I could barely contain my excitement, and yet it somehow managed to do everything wrong. I'm so sorry to give this movie a bad review, but I have to say it's only worth it for the morbidly curious.