Philip Baker Hall credited as playing...
Jack Baylor
- Bruce: [breaking out of a freeze] Hi, Susan!
- Grace: Oh, thank you, God.
- Bruce: Bruce Nolan here, aboard the Maid of the Mist in fabulous Niagara Falls, New York. First off, let me just add another congratulations to Evan Backstabber - pardon me, Bastard. Baxter, rather. It is good to see what someone with real talent can do when great opportunities are given to them instead of me. Anyway, I'm here with Katherine Hepburn's mom. Tell me, why did you toss the blue heart of the ocean jewel over the railing of the Titanic? Did you feel bad at all letting Leo DiCaprio drown, while you were safe floating on the big door? Could you have taken turns, or were you just too afraid to freeze your big fat ass off?
- [Grace gasps in disbelief]
- Bruce: Hmm. I guess that's how life is, isn't it? Some people are drenched, freezing to death, on a stupid boat, with a stupid hat, while others are in a comfy news studio, sucking up all the glory.
- [mashes and discards stupid umbrella hat]
- Bruce: Oh, well. No big deal.
- Control Booth Operator: Oh boy.
- Bruce: Oh, look! It's the owner of the Maid of the Mist. Let's have a talk with him, shall we? Come on in here, Bill...
- Bill, Ferry Owner: That's all right.
- Bruce: No, no, no, no. No, no. Come on, let's have a talk.
- Grace: Come on. What are you doing?
- Bruce: Bill, you've been running the Maid of the Mist for 23 years now. Tell me, why do you think I didn't get the anchor job?
- Bill, Ferry Owner: Hey, man, I don't want any problems...
- Bruce: [messes his hair] Is it my hair, Bill? Are my teeth not white enough? Or, like the great falls, is the bedrock of my life eroding beneath me?
- [sticking his face into the camera]
- Bruce: Eroding, eeeeroding, eeeeerodding.
- Jack: Cut the feed. Cut to black.
- Control Booth Operator: I'm on it.
- Bruce: I'm Bruce Nolan for Eyewitness News. Back to you...
- [makes a fist gesture]
- Bruce: fuckers.