The Captives

Picture the fugly annoying goth kids from college in a scat film, throw in a pinch of story and a whole lot of awful acting, and you are still not even close to how bad this movie is.

Shot badly, bad effects, worse acting. Contrived attempt at shocking horror. Everyone I've showed this to gets kinda depressed watching it. The sex scenes are disturbing, not necessarily for their content, but more because they're just something you want to end as soon as possible. The last sex scene is just foul, even before she gets to the guy.

I'm one of those people that loves to watch movies that people hate, which is why I picked this one up. But for your own sake, save yourself the time and avoid this abhorrence. It's that bad. I literally threw it in the garbage.

In director Eric Stanze's 'ISOYC, IPOYG', three men are subjected to torture at the the hands of a woman that they have all sexually abused. The first victim is forced to eat his own crap, before being axed to death. The next bloke ends up with a bullet in the crotch after refusing to have anal sex with the first guy's corpse. But it's the third man who gets it the worst: he has to watch the heavily tattooed 'star' Emily Haack get naked and masturbate with a broom handle (oh, he also gets the handle shoved up his butt too!).

And, unfortunately, so do we (get to see her masturbate, that is—not get a broom handle up our butts!).

Yes, 'ISOYC, IPOYG' is one harsh viewing experience, not because of its relentless violence, but because Haack, who is obviously under the misguided notion that she has the body of a goddess (as opposed to that of a roadie for Metallica) constantly gets buck naked for the camera. It ain't a pretty sight.

In addition to the non-stop nudity from an inked-up Haack, viewers also get to see dreadful direction from Stanze (who thinks that endless shots of tombstones and trees is entertaining stuff), some really bad acting, and a fat guy's penis.

Strangely enough, I give 'ISOYC, IPOYG' a rating of 3/10, which is actually slightly higher than its current 2.9 average. That's one point for the messy axe attack (which, being a gore-hound, I actually enjoyed); one point for the bit where the fat guy gets his face pushed in chocolate mousse masquerading as feces (hilarious); and one point for the sheer nerve to suggest that this film might somehow be a sequel to Meir Zarchi's superior exploitation classic I Spit On Your Grave.

What an awful, awful, awful movie. I tried *REALLY* hard to find something worth while in this and came up empty. I did enjoy the ending of the movie immensely, but that was only because it meant my suffering was over.

The story (which is *completely* irrelevant to the actual movie) is that some guy rapes and kills a woman on his brother's property. The guy goes to jail and because his brother tried to help him cover up the act he goes in for accessory to murder. He then escapes, meets up with his girlfriend and then introduces her to the 'gifts' he has stored in the basement, which is just a couple of people that somehow wronged him at his trial. He intends to kill them and her, so she tries to escape, struggles with and then subsequently kills the brother.

She's now home alone with 3 people that incidentally also wronged her in the past, so it's payback time.

At this point the movie has finally reached the part that people watching this movie paid for. Problem is it took almost 40 minutes to get there, and a *LOT* of those 40 minutes were spent watching long stupid scenes of nothing shot like your dad would film something with his handycam while walking. The background noise during this was a bunch of annoying buzzes and shreeks. Guess even soundtracks cost a lot of money these days.

The acting... It's a stretch to even call what they are doing 'acting', but for argument's sake let's do so. It's terrible. There's a scene where one of the 'actors' actually laughs when he's clearly supposed to be in pain. My guess is these 'actors', if they were even slightly serious about their acting career, pretty much blew it by signing on for this movie. If they had an agent, he should be shot (or worse, be forced to watch this movie).

There's a whole bunch of nudity in the movie, and while the main subject isn't exactly ugly, she probably won't become Miss Universe anytime soon. I think she's also the most tattoo-covered girl I've seen on film ever. There's a pretty explicit up-close and personal masturbation scene with her too, but that's about it. When she then does a similar thing with one of her captives, there's a striking lack of close-ups of the act. If anything would've been considered shocking (which is probably what the movie was intended to do) *THAT* would've been it.

Oh yeah, to keep some sort of story going, every so often they cut to black and white segments of her moaning on about why who did what. Aside from the fact that absolutely nobody cares about the story, this monotonous monologue is about as interesting as listening to someone reading entries out of the phone book.

If you have any plans at all to go watch this, PLEASE DON'T! If you wanted to see it for the shock-value, watch either "I Spit On Your Grave (1978)" or the less sexual "Broken" video by Nine Inch Nails front man Trent Reznor. And if you wanted to just see the naked girl, rent a porno. I can guarantee you it'll be more interesting, have a better story, makeup, lighting, acting and BUDGET, and give you a lot more value for your dollar.

0 out of 10. Avoid at all cost.

I expect the same excitement as I SPIT ON YOUR GRAVE but I was let down by just junk how can you even call this a movie ( its kinda of a mini porno) . It made my sick when the guy was made to eat his own business. There is no story line to it at all it jumps to quickly from each murder. If you like seeing a women naked or even mens parts then there's spots in the movie for and there's even a masturbation spot in the movie which makes it a porno and not a movie at all. I have seen some dumb movies in my time but this is number 1 . I want be watching it again at all. The actors even look bored during the movie to me so they probably were in need of money badly to make this movie.

I like B-grade horror movies. This movie does not merit a "B". Nor "C". Nor "Q". See where I am going? I'd give more details about what precisely was bad about this, but my mind is blocking most of this steaming turd from my memory as a defensive measure. (I defer to the gentleman's review above.

Well put, sir!)

The people who made this movie took a page from Ed Wood in that this movie is not about the details. It's about a 'big picture' that never seems to materialize. It is an amateur Goth/S&M piece that was scripted entirely by phrases beginning with "...and then wouldn't be sooo cool if...". A lot of nothing happens. It's like waiting behind a convenience store waiting for a blind date to arrive would be like if said date never existed and was merely a prank on you by people who hate you a lot. After you realized your mistake, the pain and ridicule are already firmly in place.

This was the least enjoyable movie...ever.