Bette Midler credited as playing...
Bobbie Markowitz
- Stepford Wife: I'm going to use a pinecone as the baby Jesus this year.
- Bobbi Markowitz: And I'm going to attach a pinecone to my vibrator and have a really merry Christmas!
- Bobbie Markowitz: Add it up. All the women around here are perfect sex-kitten bimbos. All the men are drooling nerds. Doesn't that seem strange?
- Joanna Eberhart: Not to me.
- Bobbie Markowitz: Why not?
- Joanna Eberhart: I work in television.
- Joanna Eberhart: Hey, aren't you Bobbi Markowitz? I love your books. What was the name of that book, the one about your mother?
- Bobbi Markowitz: "I Love You, But Please Die."
- Bobbi Markowitz: My psychiatrist says I need creative chaos.
- Roger Bannister: My shrink says I need boundaries.
- Joanna Eberhart: My doctor says I need enough electricity to jumpstart Vegas.
- Joanna Eberhard: If you're in Manhattan, what do you do if you find out you're neighbour is sick?
- Roger Bannister: Call her...
- Bobbi Markowitz: -To see if she is going to die...
- Roger Bannister: -So we could rent the apartment.
- Bobbi Markowitz: [Discussing how to include Jewish Bobbie in Stepford's Christmas] Or maybe I could just use hundreds of Pine Cones to spell out the words 'Big Jew' in letters 15 feet tall, on the snow in my front yard?
- Claire Wellington: ...That's a wonderful idea!
- Bobbi Markowitz: I got you Mace Windu and Amidala.
- Max Markowitz: And Boba Fett?
- Bobbi Markowitz: They were all sold out.
- Max Markowitz: Aw, Mom.
- [grumbles]
- Bobbi Markowitz: Here's five hundred dollars.
- Joanna Eberhart: How do I look?
- Bobbi Markowitz: Can I be perfectly honest?
- Joanna Eberhart: Mm-hmmm.
- Bobbi Markowitz: You kind of look like Betty Crocker.
- Joanna Eberhart: I know.
- Roger Bannister: At Betty Ford.
- Claire Wellington: [at the Stepford Bookclub, Claire is discussing a book on Christmas] Now Bobbi. We all realize you're probably feeling a bit uncomfortable with this weeks book because...
- [Frowns]
- Claire Wellington: what's the word I'm looking for
- Additional Stepford Wife: New?
- Sarah Sunderson: Scared?
- Roger Bannister: Cranky?
- Claire Wellington: [remembering] Jewish.
- Bobbi Markowitz: [smiling] Same thing.
- Claire Wellington: [to all] But the Heritage Hills series is very inclusive. In fact there is a whole chapter,
- [to Bobbi]
- Claire Wellington: about Chanukah
- Joanna Eberhart: Bobbie! Bobbie... this isn't you...
- Bobbie Markowitz: That's right, Joanna! This isn't me, it's a whole new me. I'm happy, and I'm healthy, because I understand what's important in life.
- Joanna Eberhart: Yes, your new book!
- Bobbie Markowitz: [starts advancing on Joanna] That's right! That's what's important, my new cookbook. And my husband, and my family, and making a perfect home. It's a lesson every gal needs to learn, especially you. I'm your friend, Joanna, I'm going to help you. You need me.
- Joanna Eberhart: You stay away from me!
- Bobbie Markowitz: You are driven.
- Joanna Eberhart: Well, sometimes...
- Bobbie Markowitz: And you're selfish! You wanna rule the world! I can fix you. I can change you.
- Joanna Eberhart: [notices Bobbie's hand is resting upon the lit stove, yet she doesn't burn] What... have... they... done... to... you?
- Bobbie Markowitz: Let's get busy!
- Dave Markowitz: Cup cakes anyone?
- Dave Markowitz: Cup cakes! Hey, right on time. Jo these are smokin'.
- [to Bobbie]
- Dave Markowitz: Why can't you make stuff like this?
- Bobbie Markowitz: Why don't you?
- Dave Markowitz: Because I have a penis.