Catwoman

Oh my, where do I begin? Well I could tell you that this is a well made action movie, but obviously I would be lying my head off. So instead, I want to tell you the truth. Are you ready? Here it comes… "DON'T SEE THIS MOVIE" Let me tell you why. If you see this movie and are over the age of 16, you will end up hating yourself for letting yourself rot for 104 minutes without getting anything back, except an increased feeling of wanting to get revenge on Hollywood. They say that it is very hard to get your script into a movie. Well, after seeing this movie, I think a one legged monkey could write a better script, without either pen or paper. The fact that Halle Berry even uses a male stunt double, makes me loose all respect for both her and this movie. Besides the stunt double thing, the movie still sucks. The dialog sucks, the acting is not even present and the action looks sloppy and poorly thought through. This movie actually made me like The Core better, which is pretty much impossible. I rate this movie 1/10

Directing 0/10, Writing 0/10, Cinematography 0.5/10, Editing 1/10, Acting 0.5/10, Overall Satisfaction 0/10

Final- 0.5/10

One word is brought to mind when thinking back to my viewing of, Catwoman- Crap. It might be inspired by my estimation of the film's display of only 12 minutes of living, breathing actors (which I will get into more below). Or it could possibly be inspired by the many errors that there wasn't even an attempt to cover, i.e.- Patience becomes Catwoman after wandering into a restricted area. How did she get into this restricted area, you ask? By walking through the door marked 'RESTRICTED AREA,' in bold, red text, which was simply unlocked and didn't even have a significant locking device on it. You know, I might've also hated the movie (not worthy of the word 'film') because of the pointless-undeveloped story line. And, really, it's not possible to look beyond the disgustingly audacious 'style' of one-named director, Pitof, which can only be described as the style of a headless chicken running through a maze of landmines. Oh, yes, said headless chicken is also being chased by angry natives wielding machetes.

I mentioned above that I estimated that only 12 minutes of living, breathing actors were shown during the entire 140 minutes of film. Almost every sequence of the movie featuring an actor seemed to be butchered by the insertion of CGI's. I'm dead serious. I'm not just talking high-flying, sucky action sequences- I'm talking scenes of Catwoman walking to a motorcycle and calmly getting on it, and the other one that immediately comes to mind is a sequence where a man (a baddie) is simply walking. Yeah, walking. It seems agents and managers are really watching over their clients these days.

Now, two questions I'm asking-

1) What is the point of Catwoman? What the [expletive] does she do?

It's explained in the film that Midnight, the 'magical' cat, chose Patience to become Catwoman, but something is wrong here- CATWOMAN HAS NO PURPOSE!! Every other superhero out there has a purpose- They save people! It seems Catwoman's only purpose is to kill the people who attempted to kill her and chase a cricket or two. There's nothing else to her!

2) Where is the REAL back story?

It sure as [expletive] wasn't in the film! Why wasn't she shocked and attempting to reason and deal with the emotional ass-kicking that would come with the revelation? She's told she's Catwoman by the cliché cat lady, she buys a mask and nails and the result is the 'superhero.' It's adds up, but not into anything of any value whatsoever. Shame on you terrible writers!

Halle Berry is a good actress. I'm not doubting or denying that. She fully deserved her Academy Award nomination and win for 2001's Monster's Ball, but something bad happened here. Her acting started awful and ended awful. I'm hoping the talents and reputation of Berry won't be harmed by her inadequate performance.

Now, My request to Halle Berry- Ms. Berry, I want my money back. I never thought I could see such a terrible performance from an Oscar winning actress. Maybe you were just doing your best with the material? But, you know, that really is not a valid excuse. After reading the screenplay, you should've thrown it in the face of the agent who dared display it to you. How could you not notice how awful it was? Make some better choices and hopefully your career won't plummet as so many others have.

I recall an interview with Ashley Judd, the original casting choice for Catwoman, who said something along the lines of, 'Turning down the role of Catwoman is one the things I regret the most.' Ashley, never say that again. You have only been saved by not appearing in this hilariously terrible film.

Listen people, don't waste your money on this glorified..er…um..crap. It's not worth the $6-$15 bucks!

So now you ask, why not just give it a zero? Why the zero-point five? Well, The editing was sufficiently bad; the acting of Alex Borstein could've possibly taken some effort, appropriately placed CGI's were okay, and I like cats.

Directing 0/10, Writing 0/10, Cinematography 0.5/10, Editing 1/10, Acting 0.5/10, Overall Satisfaction 0/10

Final- 0.5/10

I'm tempted to write a long piece explaining why this film was so bad, but I can all too easily summarise by saying "Everything".

It was poorly acted, predictable, unenthralling, clichéd nonsense. And that was just the first half hour, at which point, for the sake of my brain and stopping it melting with the sheer tedium, I walked out of the cinema.

If you're genuinely sad enough to believe that paying good money to see Halle Berry in a PVC suit is good enough reason to spend time gawking at this trash, then fine. Who am I to try to persuade you to try and do something more valuable with your time, like base-jumping without a parachute?

Utterly abysmal

remember this flick; recall every poorly crafted detail; recite every stale line repeatedly. Why? Because one day, my friend, this train-wreck will be playing at your local buck and a quarter cinema @ midnight 30 with a line of freaks rolling along the walls. Each will be holding a ball of catnip in one hand and a jar of face cream in the other; and you'll be the #1 popularoso if you can recite along with this mutt. All I can say is WOW. That is the worst villain of all time: Marbleface.. my face has become marble from too much toxic face cream? No, this wasn't directed by a Frenchman. I mean it..This movies is A+ cheese. CGI catwoman to real Berry is stunning. Goes from sleek to klutzy instantly. If you like this movie like i do, your rolling on the floor. Every second is purely genius. If you liked it for real, your bus just pulled up, get away from the comp.

Highlights: 1) This is not Catwoman. Catwoman is Selina Kyle; this is patience something or other. This movie was too embarrassing to be connected with such an awesome character 2) My fav part of the lame costume: the shoes with the toes sticking out. 3) Oooooh the most sinister thing we can think of: the fiend knows the face cream is ruining the beautiful girls faces, but wants to profit anyhow. This kind of villainy puts Lex Luthor to shame! 4) Catwoman's freak out with the catnip! This is when the Rocky Horror crowd crowd will toss the catnip balls at the screen 5) You cannot argue with the music too loud scene. period. A keg's nozzle will NOT squirt that far Patience. How did you achieve such a feat. You really are a super hero.

+Halle Berry as Catwoman is sexy as hell in that outfit & the whip.

+It presents a positive image of a woman choosing not to go along passively with Evangelical Christian pastors making reproductive health choices for them as many women today won't vote anti-women politicians out of office.

+It goes against the political correctness where women are frowned upon when they keep their bodies healthy.

+The script was okay for an origin story of what was a comic book. They did a good job of writing lines that were appropriate for Catwoman (decisive, confident) and Patience (no confidence, apologetic). Also, the woman professor scenes adds credibility to the story.

-The computer animation was crude with Catwoman's movement being too fast and unnatural, perhaps due to poor s/w and slow computers of the time. Also, the cat computer animation was terrible. They needed Pixar.