Jeff Foxworthy credited as playing...
Self
- Ron White: I got thrown out of a bar in New York City. Now, when I say I got thrown out of a bar, I don't mean someone asked me to leave, and we walked to the door together, and I said, "Bye everyone, I gotta go!" Six bouncers picked me up and hurled me out of that bar like I was a Frisbee. Those big old New York bouncers that think that bouncing is cool. They hang out with other bouncers, talking about bouncing. They go home at night and watch 'Road House' and fondle themselves. For wearing a hat. I walk into a bar and the bouncer comes over to me, real pissy, and goes, "Take off the hat!" I'm like, "What's the deal?" He goes, "I'll tell you what the deal is. Gay people in this area wear hats; we're tryin' to keep them out of our club!" Oh really? The only way we can tell down in Texas is if they have their hair cut like, yours. And he got all pissed. Anyway, I took off the hat, and he walked away. About an hour later, I was drinking and I forgot. Ever forget? It happened to me. I put the hat on, and he comes back over. Now, I'm between six-one and six-six depending on which convenience store I'm leaving. I weigh two hundred and thirty pounds, and this guy comes over, poking me in the shoulder. He says, "You're outta here!" and I said, "I don't think so, Scooter!" And I was wrong. They hurled me out of that bar. And then they squared off with me in the parking lot, and I backed down from the fight, cause I don't know how many of them it would have taken to whip my ass, but I knew how many they were going to use. That's a handy little piece of information, right there. Well, they called the police because we broke a chair on the way out the door, and I refused to pay for it. I refused to pay for it cause *we* broke it over *my* thigh. The cops showed up, and at that point, I had the right to remain silent, but I didn't have the ability. The cop was like, "Mr. White, you are being charged with drunk in public-KA!" I was like, "Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey! I was drunk in a bar! They, threw me into public-KA! I don't want to be drunk in public-KA! I wanna be drunk in a bar, which is perfectly legal! Arrest them!" Well, he didn't arrest them, instead he made me do a field sobriety test, where you stand on one foot, raise the other foot six inches off the ground, and count to thirty. I made it to "woo!" Is that going to be close enough? It wasn't, so they called in for my arrest record. There's some good news! Satellites are linking up in outer space. Computer banks at NASA are kicking on. There's a telegraph in Fritch, Texas, going: beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep.
- [Takes breath]
- Ron White: Beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep. This part takes a while. Brrrrinnnng! Shorthand.
- [pause]
- Ron White: Beep. Now, I told you that story, to tell you this story. When I was seventeen, I was arrested for being drunk in... public-KA.
- Jeff: Kinda seems to be a pattern there, Ron.
- Ron White: If you knew Morse code, you'd already know that. And one DWI, which was a bogus charge, cause it turns out they were stopping every driver, traveling down that particular sidewalk. And that's profiling. And profiling is wrong! The arresting officer, who I had literally known, all my life. You know what I mean? This guy lived four doors down the street me, in a town of less than four hundred people. *We've met.* Now, he takes me to jail, and he asks me if I have any aliases.
- [Confused, stupid look]
- Ron White: And I was just being a smartass, and I said, "Yeah. They call me, "Tater Salad!" " Seventeen years later, I'm handcuffed on a bench in New York with blood coming out of my nose, and this cop goes, "Are you Ron 'Tater Salad' White?" Ya caught me! Ya caught the tater!
- Jeff: If you have a full set of salad bowls and they all say "cool whip" on the side, you might be a redneck.
- Jeff: Phoenix in July. Apparently, the people that book these things don't get the Weather Channel.
- [laughter]
- Jeff: But, uh... It's been one of those years like that for me. In February, I was doing a show in the northern part of Minnesota. It was so cold. Beautiful place, it was so cold. It was like fifteen below zero. And after the show, we were talking to some guys backstage, and they were trying to talk us into going ice fishing with them. It's fifteen degrees below zero! I said, "Guys, you know what, I really appreciate it." I said, "I don't really think I want to be that cold." And one of the guys goes "Oh, it's not that cold." He goes "We build a big bonfire out on the lake."
- [laughter]
- Jeff: [holding back laughter] And you call us stupid in the South?
- [his definition of redneck]
- Jeff: A glorious absence of sophistication. It can be full-time or part-time, but we're all guilty of it at some time or another. And if you're not guilty of it, then you have relatives who are.
- [after re-telling the story of a Georgia man who had his nipple bitten off by a beaver]
- Jeff: It is so rare that I am at a loss for words, the only response I could come up with was, I said "I'll bet that is the first time in history the headline of the paper could include the words 'beaver' and 'nipple' and nobody would be offended by it."
- [about rental car employees who ask if he wants the additional insurance]
- Jeff: I say "Yes, I would. 'Cause you've got a Ford Fiesta that's about to see more air time than a skateboard at the X-Games."
- Jeff: In defense of my in-laws, my in-laws are nuts. But I know why they're nuts. It's because a long time ago, they turned to each other and said "Hey, why don't we have children?"
- Jeff: Little kids buy cereal the same way grown men buy lingerie. They will buy stuff they care nothing about just to get the prize that's inside.
- [laughter and applause]
- Jeff: I always felt like you couldn't talk about rednecks unless you are one, and I are one.
- [laughter]
- Jeff: You know what? Growing up, I didn't know that's what I was. And now, looking back, it was oh so obvious.
- [laughter]
- Jeff: Ya'll, I'm not making this up. My entire childhood, the mailbox in front of our house had the letters "M-A-L-E" painted on the side of it.
- [laughter]
- Jeff: And by the time I was in the eleventh grade, I was like "that ain't right! That 'm' is supposed to be capitalized, isn't it?"
- [laughter]
- Jeff: That is a true story. When I was in the third grade, my uncle did that as a joke. And NOBODY got it.
- Larry The Cable Guy: Hey, Bill, tell 'em about the one you done did over there in whatcha callit
- Jeff: Yeah, Bill, tell them about the one you done did over in that deal there.
- Jeff: If you think "Silence Of The Lambs" is what happens when Larry goes out to the barn, you might be a redneck.
- Jeff: If your working television sits on top of your non-working television, you might be a redneck.
- Larry The Cable Guy: Is that a remote control fart machine? Wow...
- Jeff: This man has enough money to buy anything in this mall, and he gets the remote controlled fart.
- [starts to cry]
- Jeff: I'm so proud!
- Jeff: Men, if you have a wife, a girlfriend, or a daughter, you are being trained. And just cause they aren't doing it with a cattle prod does not mean it isn't working. I'll tell you when I first realized I was being trained. I've been married to a wonderful woman for seventeen years; it was about year five when I realized it. We were lying in bed reading, when she just says, "I'm hot." And I closed *my* book. Got out of bed. Went over to the wall, and turned the ceiling fan. I got about halfway back before, whoa!
- [bewildered expression on Jeff's face]
- Jeff: I wasn't hot! And I swear to god the next day she called her mother and was like, "Momma, it is working so well! I just had to say it, and he got up and turned the ceiling fan on for me!" And her mother was like, "Baby, I'm so proud of you! I'd put your daddy on the phone so you can tell him, but I just said I'm hungry about twenty minutes ago, and he went into town to get me something to eat!"