Jack Black credited as playing...
Dewey Finn
- Dewey Finn: Now, what makes you mad more than anything in the world?
- [sees Billy who has his hand raised]
- Dewey Finn: Billy?
- Billy: You!
- Dewey Finn: Billy, we've already told me off. Let's move on.
- Billy: You're tacky and I hate you!
- Dewey Finn: Okay, you see me after class!
- Dewey Finn: God of Rock, thank you for this chance to kick ass. We are your humble servants. Please give us the power to blow people's minds with our high voltage rock. In your name, we pray. Amen.
- Dewey Finn: [confesses] My name is Dewey Finn. And no, I'm not a licensed teacher, but I have been touched by your kids. And I'm pretty sure that I've touched them.
- [the previously calm parents begin murmuring in confusion; Dewey escapes]
- Dewey Finn: [on sticking it to "The Man"] Yes! But, you can't just say it, man. You've gotta feel it in your blood and guts! If you wanna rock, you gotta break the rules. You gotta get mad at the man! And right now, I'm the man. That's right, I'm the man, and who's got the guts to tell me off? Huh? Who's gonna tell me off?
- Freddy Jones: Shut the hell up, Schneebly!
- Dewey Finn: That's it Freddy, that's it! Who can top him?
- Alicia: Get outta here, stupid ass!
- Dewey Finn: Yes, Alicia!
- Summer Hathaway: You're a joke! You're the worst teacher I've ever had!
- Dewey Finn: Summer, that is great! I like the delivery because I felt your anger!
- Summer Hathaway: [proudly] Thank you.
- Lawrence: You're a fat loser and you have body odor.
- Dewey Finn: ...All right, all right! Now, is everybody nice and pissed off?
- Dewey Finn: Hey, you've got some everybody wants: You've got talent, girl! You have an incredible singing voice, and I'm not just saying that. You've heard of Aretha Franklin, right?
- [Tomika nods]
- Dewey Finn: She's a big lady. But when she sings, she blows people's minds. Everyone wants to party with Aretha! And, you know who else has a weight issue?
- Tomika: Who?
- Dewey Finn: Me. But when I get up there and start doing my thing, people worship me! Because I'm sexy! And chubby, man.
- Tomika: Why aren't you on a diet?
- Dewey Finn: Because I like to eat. Is that such a crime? Look, you know what? That's not even the point. The thing is, you're a rock star now. All you gotta do is just go out there and rock your heart out. People are gonna dig you, I swear. Let's go out here and show 'em what you got, what do you say?
- Dewey Finn: I pledge allegiance... to the band... of Mr. Schneebly... and will not fight him... for creative control... and will defer to him on all issues related to the musical direction of the band.
- Dewey Finn: [talking to the other teachers at lunch] Oh, I was this close to getting the Polish Philharmonic and I nailed the audish, but I didn't get it. Guess who did? Yo-Yo Ma's cousin. Little nepotis! Anyway, I just decided to give up and become a teacher, because those that can't do, teach, and those that can't teach, teach gym.
- [the other teachers laugh]
- [Billy has just showed his completed stage outfits for Katie and Freddy]
- Dewey Finn: I don't know... They might be a little distracting...
- Billy: It's glitter rock, and it's glam, and it's fabulous!
- Dewey Finn: Billy, it's just not the right style.
- Billy: Style? You're gonna talk to me about style? You can't even dress yourself! Look at that bow tie!
- Dewey Finn: Don't you be talking about my bow tie!
- Billy: You know what? I give up, they can just wear their uniforms.
- Dewey Finn: [considers] That's not a bad idea...
- [improvising an educational song]
- Dewey Finn: Math is a wonderful thing. Math is a really cool thing. So get off your ath, let's do some math. Math, math, math, math, math. Three minus four is?
- Summer Hathaway: Negative one.
- Dewey Finn: That's right. And six times a billion is?
- Marco: Six billion?
- Dewey Finn: Nailed it. And fifty-four is forty-five more than what is the answer, Marta?
- Marta: Nine.
- Dewey Finn: No, it's eight.
- Marta: ...No, it's nine.
- Dewey Finn: ...Yes, I was testing you... it's nine. And that's a magic number.
- Dewey Finn: Katie, what was that thing you were playing today, the big thing?
- Katie: Cello.
- Dewey Finn: Okay. This is a bass guitar. And it's the exact same thing. But instead of playing it like this, you tip it on the side... cello, you got a bass.
- Dewey Finn: [half asleep] How'd you guys get in there?
- Freddy Jones: Front door was open.
- Dewey Finn: Why aren't you guys at school?
- Lawrence: We did what you told us. We stuck it to the Man.
- Dewey Finn: Forget about everything I told you. Look, I'm a loser, okay? You listen to my advice, you'll end up like me with nothing.
- Freddy Jones: Come on, man, quit goofing around. This is serious business. We're on a mission. One great rock show could change the would. Look out the window.
- Dewey Finn: [looks outside to find the school bus with all the other kids calling for him to come down] No way... That is so punk rock...
- Dewey Finn: [sung to the kids] In the end of time, there was a man who knew the road. And the writing was written on the stone. In the ancient time, an artist led the way, but no one seemed to understand. In his heart he knew, the artist must be true, but the legend of the rent was way past due! Well you think you'll be just fine without me, but you're mine! You think you can kick me out of the band? Well there's just one problem there. The band is mine! How can you kick me out of what is mine? Well you're not hardcore unless you live hardcore, but the legend of the rent was way hardcore!
- [Dewey is lounging at his desk]
- Michelle: Are you going to teach us anything? Or are we just going to sit here?
- Dewey Finn: [mumbles] Just do whatever you want.
- Summer Hathaway: I want to learn from my teacher.
- Dewey Finn: [loudly] Besides that! Freddy, what do you like to do?
- Freddy Jones: [drawing flames on the name tag on his desk] I dunno... burn stuff?
- Dewey Finn: [to the entire class] Look, just go out and have recess.
- Summer Hathaway: My parents don't spend $15,000 a year for recess.
- Dewey Finn: I totally screwed up. I told the kids that if they practiced, they'd get into the Battle of the Bands.
- Battle of the Bands director: What'd you tell them that for?
- Dewey Finn: I don't know, I just... I wanted to give them something to look forward to, to keep their spirits up. Look at them.
- [He and the Battle of the Bands director look at the kids, who are faking sick]
- Dewey Finn: They're terminal. Every last one of them. And all they wanted to do before they bit the dust was play Battle of the Bands.
- Battle of the Bands director: What do they have?
- Dewey Finn: It's a rare blood disease: "Stick-it-to-da-man-neosis".
- Battle of the Bands director: What's that? I've never heard of it.
- Dewey Finn: You're lucky. Because it's hell.
- Dewey Finn: [to the students about his rock project] It may sound easy, but nothing could be harder. It will test your head, and your mind, and your brain, too.
- Summer Hathaway: Groupie?
- Dewey Finn: What's the matter?
- Summer Hathaway: You want me to be a groupie?
- Dewey Finn: Well, a groupie is an important job.
- Summer Hathaway: I researched groupies on the Internet. They're sluts! They sleep with the band!
- Dewey Finn: No, that's not true! They're like cheerleaders.
- Summer Hathaway: I don't want to be a cheerleader. Look, my mother's a room parent, and she's not gonna be happy when she hears about this.
- Dewey Finn: Okay, I didn't want to say this to you in front of the other kids 'cause I didn't want make them jealous, but I made a special position just for you. And it's the most important job of all: band manager.
- Rosalie Mullins: The children just had their lunch. Is there anything else you need?
- Dewey Finn: I'm a teacher. All I need are minds for molding.
- Rosalie Mullins: All right, then. Well, thanks again. You saved the day.
- Dewey Finn: You want me to teach you something? Here's a useful lesson for you: give up. Just quit. Because in this life, you can't win. Yeah, you can try. But in the end, you're just gonna lose, BIG TIME. Because THE WORLD is run by the Man.
- Frankie: Who?
- Dewey Finn: The Man. Oh, you don't know the Man? He's everywhere. In the White House, down the hall, MISS MULLINS, she's the Man. And the Man ruined the ozone, and he's burning down the Amazon, and he kidnapped Shamu and put her in a chlorine tank! Okay? And there used to be a way to stick it to the Man, it was called rock 'n roll. But guess what? Oh no. The Man ruined that, too, with a little thing called MTV! So don't waste your time trying to make anything cool, or pure, or awesome, 'cause the Man is just gonna call you a fat washed up loser and crush your soul. So do yourselves a favor and just GIVE UP!
- Rosalie Mullins: [about the teachers] They hate me.
- Dewey Finn: No, they don't.
- Rosalie Mullins: Yes, they do, I can see. I wasn't always like this, you know, I wasn't always wound this tight. There was a time where I was fun. I was funny! I was. But you can't be funny and be the principal of a prep school! No, you cannot. Because when it comes to their kids, these parents have no sense of humor. No. And if something goes wrong, it's my head in the smasher. And these parents will come down on me like a nuclear bomb! I can't make a mistake! I gotta be perfect! And that pressure has turned me into one thing that I never wanted to be!
- Rosalie Mullins: [silently mouthing the words] A bitch!
- Dewey Finn: No, you're not.
- Rosalie Mullins: Yes, I am. I am a big one!
- Dewey Finn: [singing their song in the Battle of the Bands] May I please have the attention of the class: Today's ass-ignment...
- Tomika, Marta, Alicia: ...kick some ass!