If Footmen Tire You What Will Horses Do?

Religious propaganda (exploitation) film that is so bad, I just could not stop watching. His sermon comes off as a poorly concocted conspiracy theory. I had heard this film was distributed to many churches around the country in the 70s. Oh, to be a fly on the wall at one of those showings back then.

All in all, it is a trainwreck of a movie that is not necessarily satisfying, but watching it gives you the satisfaction of knowing you watched something pretty bad, but has an appealing shock value.

If Footmen Tire You is the epitome of a cult film. You're not going to find this title on the shelf at your local Blockbuster or Movie Gallery. This is the kind of film that for years lived in near total obscurity only to gain an audience after being promoted through cult fanzines and websites. You can't find this at Best Buy, folks. You have to seek it out through a bootlegger or download a copy. Not because you're trying to cheat 'the man' but because there's simply no other way to obtain it. But the film is certainly worth the effort.

In keeping with the true meaning of a cult film, the original intent of If Footmen Tire usually has nothing to do with why people watch and enjoy it. Originally intended to save the good Christians and the United States from an impending communist takeover, the film is now seen as an over the top example of ridiculous religious propaganda. And rightfully so. Even in an age when communism did have a strong hold on some parts of the world, the scenario presented by If Footmen Tire was still impossible to believe. According to this film, the communist takeover of the United States would be accomplished in only fifteen minutes! Apparently there would be no resistance from either our own military or the vast number of armed civilians. Basically we'd wake up one morning to find ourselves under an evil communist regime. And a hilarious, stereotypical one at that. The evil commies are portrayed by rednecks and good old boys who either can't act at all or ham it up with Bela Lugosi type accents. At times it's difficult to tell who is supposed to induce more fear, the communists or the "strange children" who wear their skirts too short or fornicate at the drive-in. What is intended to be a very frightening film comes across as one of the most hilarious you're ever likely to see. Bizarre scenes of torture which range from improbable to impossible. Inane visions of brainwashing techniques. Wacko interpretations of biblical prophecy. Reminds me a lot of growing up here in the South. Too much maybe.

If Footmen Tire provides more laughs than most comedies ever manage. So do yourself a favor and find a copy on ebay or wherever you can and watch one of the best cult movies ever.

The Reverent Estus Pirckle (no--I never heard of him either) of the Baptist Church lectures a rapt audience on how the communists will be taking over America in the next 24 months! (Considering this film is over 40 years old and communists haven't taken over America I believe the good reverend was wrong). While he's lecturing we are shown "accurate" portrayals of what communists have done in other countries. We get LOTS of views of "dead" men, women and children covered with the fakest blood I've ever seen. The good (sic) reverend tells us about the evils of sex education, Saturday morning cartoons (!!), drive-in movies, dancing (which always leads to sex), alcohol, drugs, magazines, newspapers, books---hell everything! Only Jesus Christ and the Bible will save us. (I guess if you're not Christian you're out of luck).

According to this the takeover will begin with the president and ALL governors throughout the US being shot and killed! Then the communists will round up all Christians and torture and kill them. We see such charming sights as a little boy tied up and having a bamboo stick driven through his ears (and throwing up), a man dangled over pitchforks while tied up, another kid beheaded, people shot down left and right. It SOUNDS horrific but the "special" effects are pathetic, the acting is terrible and everything you're told is so inaccurate that it's impossible to take with a straight face. A laugh a minute here. It's not on DVD but is available (for free) through Google Video.

Before I get into the review, I must say that the background of this film is interesting. Ron Ormond, a low budget C-grade movie director on the level of Ed Wood, survived a small plane crash with his family. Instead of thinking that maybe he's not a very good pilot, he saw it as a sign from God that instead of making terrible B movies, he must make terrible Christian movies. He teamed up with a preacher named Estus W. Pirkle to make Pirkle's book of the same name into the hour-long sermon that is "Footmen."

From the very beginning, even before watching the film, you know it's going to be terrible, mainly in that the title is too long and unwieldy. It may be OK for the title of a book, but movie titles are usually a lot shorter and to the point. Something Ron apparently didn't learn in film school.

The film itself consists mainly of Estus W. Pirkle giving a sermon in a church while occasional flashbacks show graphic detail of what Pirkle believes will happen if the United States doesn't get Christian enough and allows the commies to take over. From making children run through a stream, numerous shots of dead bodies with ultra-fake blood all over them, teaching children that praying to Jesus doesn't get you candy but praying to Fidel Castro does, dropping people on pitchforks, to shooting Christians leaving a church service, you get the general idea that when the commies come life will be particularly bad for Christians. The beheading scene is particularly hilarious in that not-meant-to-be-funny way of bad movies like this. However, the scene where the child with sticks poked into his eardrums is vomiting is particularly disturbing when you realize they must have really made him vomit for that scene.

And one thing that seems particularly funny is that when the commies come they won't be driving tanks, but they'll be riding horseback. In fact, none of the communist soldiers or officers drove any kind of vehicles at all except for the one white Ford pickup with a gun rack in the back window. And for some reason the commies all have M16 rifles in one scene. I guess living in a communist economy meant shortages of AK-47's so they had to steal rifles from the U.S. military when they invaded.

As far as the technical aspects go, the sound is bad and the color tends to get washed out even in dark scenes. The acting, of course, is particularly atrocious, and the main commie officer can't seem to hold his accent together. Not to mention that the armbands on their uniforms look like something made by children in grade school.

Then of course you have the message, a mixture of paranoia and religion. The basic message that Pirkle gives is that within 24 months (back in 1971), if we don't stop watching Saturday morning cartoons, dancing, and going to drive-in movies, God will leave America and go to Indonesia (strange because that country has a huge Muslim population) and without God living here (that's right, he seems to insinuate that God is an American) the commies will easily take over and start killing Christians. Apparently fundamentalist Christians had a persecution complex even 40 years ago. And of course the only solution is to fill churches with bible-believing people to listen to bible-banging preachers. I just hope they don't all fall asleep during the sermon like some of the people did in this movie.

The writing of this movie is completely horrible, since watching this movie is about as fun as listening to a street corner preacher for an hour. The flashback scenes with the communists persecuting Christians were totally laughable. And of course, what Christian movie would be complete without a come-to-Jesus moment? This movie is hilarious only when you look at it through the lens of what some crazy fundamentalist Christians believe. Of course, nowadays they're not afraid of communists so much as they are Muslims. The old paranoia is still there, only the bogeymen have changed. This movie is worth a laugh or two and shouldn't be taken seriously by anyone, even Christians. My condolences to anyone who was forced to watch this at their church group as a child.

The entire movie is available on Youtube, but for a better version look for the version by the Riffing Religion guys who give it an MST3K treatment.

This 1971 feature from legendary exploitation and western writer/producer/director Ron Ormond, teamed with apocalyptic fundamentalist preacher Rev. Estus Pirkle (best known as the source for the Negativeland song "Christianity is Stupid," which is also heard in its original form in this film), is pure over-the-top exploitation film-making at its rawest. Ormond's "dramatization" provide a running commentary on Pirkle's sermon, and also we have the story of a young lady who was making out with her boyfriend, who drops her at church "to keep up appearances," and the lady is moved by the sermon and by guilt to ask for salvation in the climactic scene. It's all edited together in the best agit-prop manner for maximum dramatic effect. Ormond's footage (the majority of the film) about a communist takeover of the United States is so grim and violent in a matter-of-fact way that it still packs a punch today. The semi-amateur quality of the production only adds to its melodramatic effect, in my opinion. This "lecture and dramatization" format was not new to Ormond, as he used a similar technique in PLEASE DON'T TOUCH ME, although the theme there was PRO sex education, and the theme here is ANTI sex education. There's a lot of 60s drive-in-style gore here, with knifings, a vomiting child, upclose shootings, impaling by pitchfork, and a decapitated head seen rolling away bloody. Had Ormond edited out the preacher and his commentary, and beefed up the communist atrocity footage and added more of a "plot" to that footage, he could have released this as an anti-communist and gore exploitation film to drive-ins. This is a primitive yet powerful film. As fire-and-brimstone apocalyptic preachers go (and I used to listen to these characters on the radio back in the 70s), Pirkle is impressive, in terms of being melodramatic and pushing every possible emotional-manipulation button that exists. He and Ron Ormond make a perfect pair, and this film is a gem that documents the anti-communist, John Birch Society positions of the 60s and 70s very well, even better than ANARCHY USA, since these dramatizations pack an emotional punch that documentary and newsreel footage do not. Students of cold war history who want to explore the link between anti-communism and fundamentalist religion need not look any further. If you really want to see this, an internet search should turn up a copy for you. No Ron Ormond fan should miss this. Some images, such as the young boy having his eardrums pierced with a stick by a sneering communist flunky so the boy can never again listen to the Gospel (!!!), are not likely to be forgotten by the viewer. I'll try to review the another Ormond/Pirkle collaboration, THE BURNING HELL, in the near future...