Jim Carrey credited as playing...
Count Olaf
- Count Olaf: I must say, you are a gloomy looking bunch. Why so glum?
- Klaus Baudelaire: ...Our parents just died.
- Count Olaf: Ah yes, of course. How very, very awful. Wait! Let me do that one more time. Give me the line again! Quickly, while it's fresh in my mind!
- Klaus Baudelaire: [uncertainly] Our parents just died?
- Count Olaf: [gasps dramatically]
- Sunny: [in baby talk] What a schmuck!
- Violet Baudelaire: Dinner is served. Puttanesca.
- Count Olaf: What did you call me?
- Klaus Baudelaire: It's pasta... Pasta Puttanesca.
- Count Olaf: Where's the roast beef?
- Klaus Baudelaire: Roast beef?
- Count Olaf: Beef, yes. Roast beef. It's the Swedish term for beef that is roasted!
- Count Olaf: [meeting the children for the first time] Ah! My dear...
- [looks at stick figures of children with names on his hands]
- Count Olaf: Violet. Enchantée!
- Violet Baudelaire: Uh... how do you do?
- Count Olaf: And this must be Klaus! Young Klaus! Your left side is the good one.
- [looks with disgust at Sunny]
- Count Olaf: And... what is *this*?
- Sunny: [subtitled baby talk] I'm Sunny!
- Count Olaf: I'm sorry. I don't speak monkey.
- Klaus Baudelaire: This is ridiculous! Violet's only 14! She can't be legally married!
- Count Olaf: She can if she has the permission of her guardian. And who's that? Oh, yes. Me!
- [laughs maniacally]
- Count Olaf: Look it up, bookworm!
- Count Olaf: [speaking to Klaus] Why, you little...
- Sunny: [bites him]
- [speaking baby talk]
- Sunny: Back off, Parrot Face!
- Count Olaf: Ohhhh!
- [gasping]
- Sunny: [baby talk] I'll bite higher!
- Count Olaf: [speaks gibberish]
- Sunny: [baby talk] Don't mock me!
- Count Olaf: [speaks gibberish again]
- Sunny: [baby talk] Wow, you *are* nuts.
- Count Olaf: Goodbye children. It's been fun.
- [leans in]
- Count Olaf: I'm gonna get you kids. No matter where you go, no matter what you do, I'll *find* you! Oh, you are so deceased!
- Klaus Baudelaire: You won't get a cent until Violet turns 18.
- Count Olaf: Oh really... says who?
- Klaus Baudelaire: The law. Look it up.
- [Olaf is about to enter the store, leaving the kids in the car]
- Count Olaf: [to Violet] Soda.
- Count Olaf: [to Klaus] Soda.
- Count Olaf: [to Sunny] Banana.
- Sunny: [subtitled baby talk] Bite me.
- Count Olaf: Got it.
- [Leaves and locks the doors]
- [on Stephano, after realizing that he had been caught in a lie]
- Count Olaf: Damnit. This was such a good character.
- Uncle Monty: Now, the children will be helping us extensively with the research in Peru. Do you have any experience with children?
- Count Olaf: [in disguise as Stephano] Children are strange and foreign to me. I never really was one. I do know that they are an important part of the ecosystem.
- Count Olaf: ...And I realized I have been a bit standoffish, Shall we say. Which in this case is a big, big word meaning...
- Violet Baudelaire: [interrupting] Pure evil.
- Count Olaf: [to the room of his troupe of actors] Let us go back to the time when dinosaurs ruled the earth!
- [raises arms like a T-rex and screeches, walking around like a pidgeon]
- Klaus Baudelaire: [watches, bemused, as Count Olaf heads into the hall, still doing his dinosaur impersonation]
- Count Olaf: [screeches, then sees Klaus] ... What are you staring at?
- Count Olaf: Why aren't you orphans in the kitchen preparing dinner?
- Violet Baudelaire: Dinner?
- Count Olaf: It's the French word for the evening meal.
- Count Olaf: Looks like you could use a little assistance.
- Klaus Baudelaire: You're gonna need assistance when we get back to town! Aunt Josephine's gonna tell everyone what happened!
- Count Olaf: [sarcastically] And then I'll be arrested and sent to jail and you'll live happily ever after with a friendly guardian, spending your time inventing things and reading books and sharpening your little monkey teeth, and bravery and nobility will prevail at last, and this wicked world will slowly but surely become a place of cheerful harmony, and everybody will be singing and dancing and giggling like the littlest elf! A happy ending! Is that what you had mind?
- Count Olaf: All that I ask is that you do each and every little thing that pops into my head, while I enjoy the enormous fortune your parents left behind.
- Aunt Josephine: The children are going to serve puttanesca.
- Count Olaf: [gasps] The very meal I ate before they took me leg!
- Count Olaf: This... is a little piece I like to call, "The Electric Chair".
- [Sits in a chair. Everybody stares at him, while nothing happens]
- Count Olaf: [Country/Redneck accent] I think ya' might have t' turn it up!
- Count Olaf: [Regular accent] Is anybody
- [Pretending to be electrified]
- Count Olaf: OUT THERE?*!
- Lemony Snicket: [narrating] I don't know if you've ever noticed this, but first impressions are often entirely wrong. For instance: Klaus, when Sunny was born, didn't like her at all; but by the time she was six weeks old, the two of them were as thick as thieves - a phrase which here means "fetching and biting for hours on end". In the case of Count Olaf, however...
- Count Olaf: Orphans!
- Lemony Snicket: [narrating] ... they were correct.