Graeme Garden credited as playing...
- Prosecutor: Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you God?
- Mr. Bibby: [hand on Bible] I do.
- Prosecutor: Is your name Roger Bibby?
- Mr. Bibby: No.
- [Bible bursts into flames]
- Mr. Bibby: That means nothing.
- Iqbal: [after getting cable television] I have seen the future, and it is porn, sharks, and Nazis!
- Mr. Bibby: Excellent. That rather plays to my strengths.
- Iqbal: Ha! You's shat your pants! You's scared!
- Mr. Bibby: I assure you, I am not scared. The fact I shat my pants is neither here nor there.
- Iqbal: Bloody ridiculous... grown-up teachers behaving like children!
- Mr. Bibby: Morning headmaster.
- Iqbal: Ahh, Mr. Bibb. At least you are no like the children.
- Mr. Bibby: Oh, but I am, headmaster. I'm-a like the children very much.
- Iqbal: No, I mean you no look like the children.
- Mr. Bibby: Oh, I'm sorry. I'm-a thought you talking banana-boat English.
- [Iqbal is sobbing in the cloakroom]
- Mr. Bibby: Why, Headmaster, you're crying. I daresay, you're blubbering like a gimp. If you did this in Cyprus, or wherever it is you're from, they'd cut your nuts off.
- Iqbal: The teachers, they don' like me.
- Mr. Bibby: Well they didn't like me when I took their credit cards, but you don't see me crying about it.
- Mr. Bibby: Think what it would mean to your parents. Or guardians. Or whatever combination of incompetent caregivers attend to your domestic requirements.
- Mr. Bibby: I have the results from the latest GCSE modules from the assessment board. They are as follows: Biology - Poor, Physics - Very Poor, French - Unacceptable, Maths - Crap
- Martin: It doesn't say crap!
- Mr. Bibby: I'm paraphrasing, it actually says "cocking shite".
- Mr. Bibby: [Melanie is trying to bribe him] You think that my support can be bought? Does that mean that money would persuade me to forgo my principal my duty as a teacher? And even my responsibility to...
- [he turns around and sees her completely naked]
- Mr. Bibby: ...Money's fine.
